Browns sharp in preseason-opening win over Rams

Sometimes folks, the dynamite goes boom. Provided you light the fuse, that TNT will most definitely make a loud noise.

Last night the fuse was lit, fighting for a spot in the money game was all it took for The Bowling Wallendas!!! to start their engines.

After spending the afternoon going over plans to buy some electric scooters the Wallendas!!! sans Jones (in London) and Krull (giving those military fat cats hell in the P-gon) showed up ready to bowl. Stunt Cock couldn't make it, so we invited Mel "Mouth of the South" Murphy to join our endeavor and become a part of history. What she became a part of was the most stellar bowling clinic Meister has ever put on.

After a first game that made all my dead relatives roll in their graves I turned that suck knob way way down. Game 2 went thusly-

Frame One- open
Frame Two- open
Frame Three- open
Next Five frames? All strikes motherfucker
Spare
Strike
Spare

See what happened there? I closed that shit out faster than Jesus turning out the money lenders.

Game three was more of the same, it wasn't until the twelfth frame that a pin defied me. Don't worry, afterwards I found that pin, drill a hole in it with my dick and sent it to Libya. In hindsight that seems like a weird thing to do to an inanimate object, but whatever I was pissed.

Gard Dawg came through with his usual panache and Mel proved herself an able-bodied addition to the squad. Hear that Stunt Cock? Your job is on the line.

Oh yeah the Browns shamed the Rams in a stunning pre-season game. GO BROWNS!!!

Meister Out

NIK WALLENDA!!! MAKES HISTORY!!! EL PRESIDENTE LICKS HIS WOUNDS! WHAT ARE WE WATCHING? AND SPANISH FOR BEGINNERS!

Adam Gard was busy captaining and doesn't have time to be a Goodwill Ambassador, plus Nik was afraid he'd fall if the Dog was there, judging him.

Nik Wallenda!!! made history this past Sunday as he walked across a section of the Grand Canyon and TBW!!! Was there to witness the momentous feat. Nik specifically asked for us to be there so we loaded ourselves onto our WallendaGlide* (if we don’t go green, how can expect emerging economies to follow suit?) and took a 3 hour glide to our destination. Where we watched Nik balance and walk his way into history and into America’s heart. A quick photo-op and it was back to LA. Sadly team captain Adam Gard Dog Gard couldn’t go since he was assembling game tape on Blue Collar Balls so Stunt Cock went in his place.

The glide had me thinking- What are the Wallendas!!! doing with their free time besides recording multi-platinum albums? So I walked around the spacious 200,000 sq yd WallendaGlide and peeked in on the other members of the team.

Trashman Jones seems to really dig Tyler Perry movies. “Finally, the black population of America has their own Woody Allen.” He said as he popped “Good Deeds” into his blu-ray player.

Stuntcock claims he only watches documentaries about the fashion industry, but I glimpsed him watching “Cocoon II : The Return” and weeping gently.

Heather “Doc” Krull had her DVD library stocked up with only episodes of “Malcolm in the Middle” and was very unapologetic about it.

After my recon was done I texted Gard Dog to get an idea of what he watches in his spare time, his response was this: South African comedies.

Me personally, I only watch romantic comedies. If it stars Sandra Bullock all the better, I like it when she gets the guy in the end. My team thinks it’s because I’m a hopeless romantic, but it’s really because I don’t understand how social interaction between human beings works.

Blue Collar Balls tonight. Dumb name, bad team and a look towards putting four more points on the leaderboard.

Meister out

*The WallendaGlide was built with the idea of Flying Squirrels. So we actually used 1,342,673 actual flying squirrels in the make-up of the craft. They form the wings and even the interior walls are all squirrel fur. PETA has called our craft a menace to the animal kingdom and ELF has condemned and praised us all at once, their exact press release had this snippet:

The Bowling Wallendas!!! are one of the most egregious eco-terrorist groups ever to exist. In building their “green craft” they raped mother earth of so many bright flying squirrel lives and created more greenhouse gases in a single day than the big three polluting nations do in a month. But having seen the contraption in action we marvel at it’s beauty, comfort, and overall eco-friendliness. We’re torn, we should probably disband.

BOWLING WALLENDAS!!! MOVE INTO 3RD PLACE, ADAM INCONSOLABLE. HOW TO MAKE THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE A SPECIAL MEATLOAF

Maybe it was having the local villagers massage linseed oil into his foot thrice daily. Perhaps it was the afternoon sauna sessions he took where the steam was generated by heating up 80 Nuns’ tears, or it was possibly the three daily meals consisting only of endangered species; but Chris “Trashman” Jones is out of St. Nik Wallendas Bowling Wallendas!!! Rehab Facility and Day Spa for Incredibly Good Looking People.

I feel good, I probably should have opted for the “Orphan Package*” but the rehab sessions I got did the trick. I should be less stupid from this point forward. And by stupid I mean awful at bowling. I still have no idea who won the Civil War in America.

Team captain Adam Gard was most pleased with his return performance. But Adam is pleased with pretty much everything, I mean who can tell. The guy is like Silent Cal Coolidge. It seemed like he wasn’t that pissed about the bowling and he wants to get roast beef sandwiches.  That boy do love his roast beef.

There isn’t much else to report aside from us putting a down payment on Switzerland, but that’s still kind of a hush-hush deal so instead I’ll post a video of the Carpenters singing “Sing”

Voice like an angel...

Meister Out

*The Orphan Package consists of about 50 orphans following you around and trying to impress you to adopt them. You can’t really adopt them and they know it, but it makes you feel wanted and needed. For their services the orphans (and these are real orphans whose parents were probably killed by our elite Wallendian Ninja force) earn about 7 cents a day, a kings ransom if you’re an orphan. It truly is one of the best packages offered at the facility. Some other amazing packages include:

Find a Hobo, Punch a Hobo- When visitors opt for this package if they come across strategically placed hobos at our facility they are allowed to punch them, kick them, spit on them or whatever basic physical threat they want. Great for rage sufferers.

The Lollipop Girls- Need to simply de-stress? Why not spend an hour watching buxom young gals lick popsicles in school girl outfits. NO TOUCHING!!!

And How Was Your Day? – Hey ladies, do you feel like your man doesn’t seem interested in what’s going on in your life? Well these gentlemen only care about what’s going on with you. If you’re lucky they may even notice you’ve been losing weight.

You mean that wasn’t a drone video game? – That’s right folks, TBW have inked a deal with the CIA and for $120,000,000/hr you get to fly actual drone aircraft and fulfill assassination missions for the good old U.S. of A. You’ll delight in dropping smart bombs into heavily populated areas and assassinating top level Al Queda figures all for your mental health.