BILFS Have Like The Biggest Week Ever In the History of the World!!! And That Ain't No Chicken Joint

After one of the biggest wins of their career, BILFs ringleader and snappy dresser Kevin Meister hit a low spot.

                     "I was standing there talking to a buddy, we looked out the front
                      window of the bar. WTF!!! It's fucking Tony Cortese and
                      Mr. Corruption himself El Presidente Rue Meade stealing my gorgeous
                      20 million dollar bike."

Kevin and his friend gave chase; but aside from the initial 20mil price tag Kevin implemented some 2 billion in upgrades to not only make it the fastest bicycle on the planet, but also the only bike on planet earth that uses the stored kinetic energy to grow food for fat kids. In a recent global opinion poll the world unanimously said it was "The Coolest Bicycle Anyone Had Ever Owned."

With his bike alone and he powerless to do anything about it, Kevin hatched a plan. How many of you remember a movie called Pee Wee's Big Adventure? Great movie right? Yeah Kevin made that shit. Since Saturday he has worked tirelessly in BILFs state of the art "Time Travel and 4-Headed Shark Institute" The institute serves two purposes: to seek out the mysteries of time travel and to find ways to make sharks even deadlier. 72 hours later he had perfected time travel, went back in time and wrote, and directed the greatest movie about bike theft since DeSica's "The Bicycle Thief". Pee Wee's Big Adventure is in fact a semi-autobiographical film about the theft of Orangensaft. Even in his darkest hour, he giveth to the world.

How else can the most sensational, muppetational, dynamic bowling team in the history of the universe prove they deserve to be in 1st? They've gone 18-2 in recent weeks, produced a viral video about an Ugandan warlord, and agreed to star in an LA revival of CATS. So what else helps them prove how much they love their sloppy faced, dirty shirted, slack jawed fans? They grant them the power of madness, March Madness to be precise. In an agreement with the NCAA, BILFs are proud to announce that they, and their subsidiary organizations, are the sole sponsers of this years NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament. I believe the words you're looking for are "Thank" and "You".

BEACH PATROL DISCOVERS NEW USE FOR HUMAN SKULL--HINT? IT'S AN ASHTRAY

Last week saw something awesome happen in Los Angeles. No I’m not talking about the BILFs sweep of AWOL and moving themselves into a 4-way tie for 1^st in the TNT League. No the amazing thing happened after the most viewed sporting event in the history of awesome. That awesome thing that happened was the founding members of Beach Patrol , Kevin Meister and Adam Gard, stumbling upon an Al Queda terror cell and doing what they do best…kicking ass.

Using Asian arm movements, taught to him by Adam, Kevin made a guy’s head fall off into the river. Adam punched a guy’s lungs out while drinking a shamrock shake. Kevin started telling another combatant about the time he…HEE-YA! He fucking round housed that motherfucker into 2017.

While it’s been disputed if they were truly Al Queda or possibly just hobos. A new theory has come to light, they were hired assassins; bought and paid for by El Presidente and Il Padrino Cortese.

I’d like to think that theory is true, because it shows everyone how afraid the world is of our might. What our possible attackers didn’t realize is that BILFs are serious motherfuckers. We eat our beef raw, in that we actually will eat beef from a still living cow. Beer and Liquor are the only things flowing through our veins. For snacks we eat tree bark. Fiber is good.

So keep trying iL Padrino. Plot away Presidente. BILFs, much like the storied Goonies, never say die. All we ever say to opposing teams is:

“Where do you want your remains sent?” or Jonesies personal favorite “Here’s a list of local rape crisis centers.”

In a press release to the TNT league Cortese showed his fear by inserting the same match of the week twice. His fear grows daily, and everyone knows that hungry BILFs feed on the fear of their foes. Fear and Arby’s that is. It’s a well-rounded meal of emotion and beef n cheddars.

God’s Favorite Bowling Team?

God’s Favorite Bowling Team?

Move over Jews, God has a new chosen people, B.I.L.F.’s. How else can you explain that over the past four weeks the team has gone 15-1? Was it the re-branding of team formerly known as Wallendas? Was it really a pact made with the devil himself; at a Denny’s, by the 405? We may never know, the recent resurgence of B.I.L.F.’s is a mystery, just like the totemic statues of Rapa Nui or the enduring popularity of Chelsea Handler.

                                “What’s been happening these past few weeks is better

                                  than the signing of the declaration of independence.

                                   And I’m pretty sure that was kind of a big deal.” Chris Jones

BILFs have been bowling like motherfuckers under the rallying cry of “AMEN HALLELUJAH BILFS FUCK SHIT UP!” And it’s working. Apparently it’s how they close each team prayer. Other teams are driven to extreme fear by BILFs piety and grace. A recent study shows that of the last 4 teams to face off against BILFs- 1 whole team has turned to cannibalism, 2 teams became born again Christians, and the last team committed themselves for a 72hr psychiatric evaluation late last night. With 3 more regular season weeks left, one can only wonder what will happen to the remainder of teams BILFs faces.

                                “I always thought Jesus had a foot fetish, what with him

                                 washing the feet of his apostles and all. But it turns out

                                 the guy was a major butt freak, because all our prayers

                                 are about uniting as a team and bowling our way through

                                 our opponents collective asses and working our way

                                through the colon. Mazel tov?” – Adam Gard

Some have claimed that Jesus is in fact not a “butt freak” and that aspect of the prayers is instead the brainchild of team megalomaniac Kevin Meister. They also claim that by perverting the son of God with a rather grotesque ass fetish it proves he is really in league with satan himself.  Kevin Meister released this statement earlier in the week.

                                “Believe what you want. I was asleep on the beach and

                                 when I awoke, there was a bright light in my face and I

                                 heard the most beautiful music. It was angelic. But over

                                 that choir of angels I heard God himself say, “Kevin,

                                people will say you’re crazy, but you must spread the

                                word. I am mad about the ass.”  Was it God? I don’t

                                know for sure? But I do know it wasn’t some stank

                                ass hobo, that would be crazy. And I’m not willing to

                                risk eternal damnation just because I’m a breast man.”

The debate may rage on but it hasn’t hurt the BILFs bottom line. Revenues from sponsorships have shot up in the last two weeks by 500%. Three major worldwide atheist groups have shuttered their doors and posted only this message on their websites:

                                “The way BILFs perform on a weekly basis that there

                                 truly is a God in heaven. We’re sorry we wasted

                                 everyone’s time.”

Heather Krull was quoted as saying “We’re not in this for everlasting glory and to praise his name. We’re here to stick our amazing bowling dicks up the asses of our opponents. If Jesus gets his rocks off at the same time then good for him.” Good for him indeed, churches in the last few weeks have had to turn away parishioners because they’ve been standing room only. Pope Benedict stated he is looking into showing game tape of BILFs at Catholic masses instead of the usual sacrament.

How long can this BILFs love fest last? Well according to Team Captain Meister- “Listen, we each just down about 9000 tablets of Cialis, we’re good to go for a little while now.”