After spending time wandering Death Valley; helping the
downtrodden, defending the defenseless, and doing some much needed soul
searching, the BOWLING WALLENDAS!!! ARE BACK!!!
Enough with the horseshit, it’s time to explode on the
winter season of TNT like my bottle of shampoo after a long flight. We’ve
sulked, we’ve drank, we’ve blamed others. It’s time for TBW!!! to take the
driver’s seat, this season we make dreams come true. This season we arm
ourselves for war.
It’s true we’ve spent some seasons disguising ourselves,
trying to hide from the far reaching and corrupt tendrils of El Presidente and
Il Padrino. We became tax exiles after our own freely elected government of
Wallendia turned us out due to our losing ways.
Months in the wilderness led us to one decision- We Must
Reclaim What Is Ours. Our first stop on the road to redemption was overthrowing
the Wallendian Parliament. That was easy, Adam “Ninja” Gard just grabbed a
couple of sticks and started whuppin A. Getting rid of the government was easy,
trying to make sense of all the whacky changes they made was scads harder. It
seems in offering full citizenship we didn’t foresee the corruption levels El
Presidente was capable of. His agents insinuated themselves into all levels of
Wallendian government and began a massive dismantling of all our humanitarian
missions.
He and his cohorts so badly damaged Wallendian reputations,
the UN considered revoking our National Sovereignty. But in an impassioned
speech before the assembled UN and broadcast over the whole world (and beamed
directly to Europa, the Jovian moon) former team captain Kevin Meister plead
the case of Wallendian independence. Bashir al Assad listening in from Damascus
was said to have wept and stated:
That’s why I got into politics in the first place. I blew it, I suck. But I can’t turn back now; Murray, get the sarin gas ready.
That guy is still a major dick.
After a unanimous vote to insure Wallendia will survive in
perpetuity the entire assembly of the UN went out for wings, where a dispute
arose between Libya and Turkey over how hot the sauce should be. Atomic hot was
the ultimate compromise as Heather “Doc” Krull mediated the situation.
Team Captain Chris “I rub my ball with linseed oil” Jones
has insisted that each team member spend 3hrs a day having their arms massaged
by a group of trained 3-Toed Sloths.
Their slow movements are perfect for the level of deep relaxation we’re trying to accomplish.
Team Backbone and general heart of the team Kevin “Don’t
Touch Me” Meister has been sending inspirational messages to the squad. Team
sub Ryan “Stunt Cock” Adams has reported receiving no fewer than 243 of messages, yesterday alone, reading such tidbits as:
Your Parents Think You’re a Failure, Prove Them Wrong
Why do you even bother bowling? You suck.
What does it feel like to be a complete loser? Seriously I
want to know
You’ll probably die alone
Adams had only this to say:
I’ll only worry if I stop receiving the motivationals.
So watch out TNT, The Bowling Wallendas!!! have some scores to
settle.
