TNT bowling was rocked with news this week that multiple members of The Bowling Wallendas are embroiled in multiple scandals. Ambrose Burnside was heard to say:
“My faith in man has been shaken to the core, I don’t
know if I’ll ever be able to love again.”
Personally I think the team’s overall poor performance is to blame for these alleged transgressions. Of course they could all prove to be more false propaganda perpetrated by El Presidente. He’s been awfully quiet as of late and that can only mean one thing…he’s been rhyming and scheming again.
Il Padrino has called for sanctions and wants to impose fines on those rich rich endorsements that TBW have been getting. I’ll fight him tooth and claw before I let him touch our team coffers. That’s the money we use to buy pop and alcohol, we need every penny of the $15 million we pull in weekly.
“I feel just like I did when I almost walked in on my parents
doing it…let down.” Shawn “Necktie” Clancy
Talk on the other lanes is continually returning to TBW and sister squad Backdoor Santa, why have they underperformed this season? Are they trying to “Suck for Luck”? Maybe they’ve overextended themselves with all their personal appearances at bowling alleys and peace negotiations around the world. I’ll tell you right now that is complete and utter bullshit; we make those appearances because we can’t turn our public down, and aside from the occasional back rub from a pretty little co-ed, we’ve never accepted a dime for our time. How’d you like that rhyme El Prez?
Non-believers in TNT have tried to claim TBW forming the Wallendas Auxiliary Youth Paramilitary goes against league by-laws, but I refute those charges and will raise my hand and point to the spot on the wall where I would hang my fake law degree if I ever got around to printing it out, framing it, and actually hanging it. We need WAP to guard our many bejeweled crowns and scepters. It also keeps at risk kids off the street.
“Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy,
The Wizard of Oz. All fictional characters, and like
TBW, they’ve broken my heart.” Scotty Chestnut
The rest of TNT can go ahead and kiss our gorgeous asses. TBW and BDS have nothing to hide, in fact we gladly open our books for the entire league to peruse and look over every two weeks. We insure transparency in our awesome-ness and will combat any charges of impropriety. Plus showing everyone how much we make keeps them hungry. So you see it’s win win, we get semi-chubs from their jealousy and they try to improve, so that they too may one day accrue the same wealth we do. Actually it’s win-lose when you really think about it. We get to show off our monies and they can never hope to attain the same kind of scratch. You see you can be as good as you like but when you can’t sell a simple ball return hump, then you can’t hope to be in the same class as us. It’s like Wilbur Wright said before he fucked shit up in Kitty Hawk, “You can’t coach height.”
“I used to really like those guys, now I think they’re
worse than Hitler.” Godwin
As I sit here polishing my authentic sabre-toothed tiger skeleton and reminiscing about the time I beat the shit out of panda bear I find solace in the fact that my team and I are so much better than the teams we deign to share the lanes with. Lanes that were built on the backs of TBW and BDS victories. Lanes that continue to exist because our bowling pays they fucking bills. Think about that next time you’re wondering what to do on a Saturday night and all the alleys are closed.
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