BRING OUT THE GIMP, WALLENDAS!!! CLIMB THE STANDINGS… 15 MUST DO ACTIVITIES THIS SUMMER

Four long weeks the Wallendas have suffered, they’ve strived, they’ve anticipated and finally it is here. Meister debuts his horribly inflated 158 pin average. Can he maintain that number? No freaking way. He is screwed. Considering the slumping Doc Krull has one more week left to establish and…oh yeah the formerly injured Trashman returns to the Wallendas!!! fold.

CJ decided to announce to our esteemed captain Gard Dog that he was ready. At least he asked:

As you can see, he suffered brain damage as well.

Then we realized where he was coming from:

Eventually all of the hubbub died down and we got down to the business of ass destruction. Tonight The Bowling Wallendas!!! face off against the new team Spare Us. Is that name clever? I can’t tell, I don’t understand bowling references. At least it isn’t a overt-sexual-bowling mish-mash name.  At least it wasn’t until now. Even with the 252 pins that the TBW!!! have to make up, I doubt TBW!!! will be “sparing” that team the bowl-raping we intend to inflict upon them. I guarantee we will not be as kind to them as this animatronic mother is to her perverse tweener:

It’s a vital time at TNT, Il Padrino has made his usual powerplays, none of which have born fruit. But this time TBW!!! has the inside track on El Presidente. We’ve planted a spy within his close circle. His code name is “Rowlsberg” and he has spent the last 3 years training for this mission. His first stint was at Quantico training with the marines and FBI. Then it was off to Navy SEALS training so he could learn how to snap a man’s neck with his dick (security forbids us from posting the videos we have of him actually doing this, trust me it's freaking brutal). But his real training came in the form of Adam Gard and the art of ninjitsu. When the time comes, it’ll be lights out for El Presidente. It seems the only thing missing from his training was doing any actual bowling, cause he is awful.

Meister Out

Wallendas!!! Return, Adam Says Enough is Enough and fucks up Best Korea, Tips for getting into that swimsuit this summer

In a stunning move surprising even the most vocal critics of Best Korea, Adam Gard was so sick of the war rhetoric, and lack of Dennis Rodman rhetoric, that he chartered a bus and drove to the rogue nation in order to deliver a smackdown to Best Korean dictator Kim Jong Un.

Un was so impressed he tried to sign Gard to a multi-year deal as Generalissimo in Chief of the Best Korean army and navy. Gard told Un he had “better shit to do.” And drove that bus all the way back across the pacific and home.

What did he have to do? Weeeelllllllll……

TNT begins anew this Thursday. The Bowling Wallendas!!! are ready for action…well kind of. At the end of last season’s 4^th place finish the Wallendas!!! Found themselves in an extreme game of “who can throw the bottle in the trash so they don’t have to be captain.” Heather Krull was all, it ain’t gonna be me so she nailed her first shot. The Trashman was all, me either I don’t wanna. Heart & Soul, the notoriously worst shot of all of them looked to be a lock for the new captain. But a voice in the wilderness stood up and said “Enough is enough”, the normally clutch Adam “Gard Dawg” Gard (fresh off his bus tour of the Korean peninsula) continually tried trick shots in an effort to WIN THE CAPTAINCY. When I asked him why he was doing that later he told me, in his most eloquent fashion, “Because I’m bringing this shit home, no more pussy shit.”, sorry ladies he is spoken for. So Adam Gard took over and immediately ordered up 5am circuit training 8 days a week for the team. No more late night orgies for me, no more cutting out to the recording studio for Heather, and no more sketching naked homeless people for the Trashman.

In protest the first thing Trashman did was break his foot chasing a purse snatcher down the street. He caught the miscreant only to find that they weren’t stealing a purse but rather kisses. Initial doctor’s reports indicated an 8 week absence from the lanes. Jones will be back in two.

Meister found his back injured over the weekend after too much experimental conditioning. He read somewhere that trampolining was the new conditioning and went at it with gusto. Two hours later he found his back protruding various bones in several places. Doctors have given him a recuperation time of 4 weeks, he’ll be ready to roll on Thursday. That’s how Wallendas!!! do it, we listen to the learned doctors and then proceed to tell them to “Fuck off, we’ll do it live.”

The thing is, the full weight of Wallendia!!! needs to be present on Thursday. Il Padrino is looking to remove the post-bowling rule from the league. It’s bullshit, it’s kind of like adding a regular roster player to your team on Position Night in order to be able to compete for one of the top 3 trophies. TBW!!! Will be vocal in our disgust with Il Padrino and his new lackey Big Ern’s Ryan Gallagher (mean nickname still being decided).

Either way, TBW!!! Is ready for another season of awesome-ness.

Meister Out

While I  was typing this, some jackhole just walked by my desk and asked if The Bowling Wallendas!!! were any good. I held back on throat punching him and instead just put syphilis in his lunch. Enjoy the burning pee sucka.

***SUPPLEMENTAL*** WALLENDAS!!! SNUBBED IN LATEST LEAGUE NOTIFICATION, MEISTER UNDER INVESTIGATION

Well Il Padrino has done it again. His weekly notice to the league has gone out and once again he snubs the most electrifying, stupefying, self-aggrandizing team in all of TNT.

He has ignored the fact that over the last two weeks TBW!!! has been putting a hurt to TNT. He thinks because his teams bowling shirts are kind of sharp that he doesn’t need to mention anyone else. WRONG!!! When we offer up another thrashing of a storied team, he will be unable to ignore us any longer.

In the same e-mail where he ignores our accomplishments, he announces to the league that I am under investigation stemming from allegations that I put the hurt to league sub Carlos Hernandez. He thinks he can try and stymie us with a trumped up charge of senior abuse, what a crock.  I’ve got news for you Cortese, I never touched Hernandez physically. I broke him with my mental game. I don’t need to touch another player to hurt them. One look in a bowlers eyes and I get the full measure of them. Their hopes, dreams, and aspirations. I take that knowledge and destroy them with it. Like the time I made that kid who looks like Corky from “Life Goes On” cry because of his lack of lane courtesy. In hindsight I’m pretty sure that kid was actually disabled and I may be a bad person, but rules are rules.

Meister Out

Wallendas!!! Tearing Up Opponents’ Asses! El Presidente Eerily Quiet but still needs to be in the headline!!! Plus, Quiche… WTF!?!?!?! #ItsEggPie

Like the camouflaged jaguar poised to pounce on it’s prey, so were The Bowling Wallendas!!! I would say we were lying in wait like a trapdoor spider, but I hate spiders so fuck them. Goddamn bottom feeding, 8-legged, creepy-crawlies.

Anyway TBW!!! started the season slow. Week 2 coincided with team heart Kevin “Yes I’m Drunk” Meister’s birthday.

This guy is deee-runk, egotistical, and the most stylish motherfucker you know

Week 3 was when TBW!!! would make their presence known. TBW!!! entered into their age-old feud with Big Ern. Side note, I’ve recently learned that the quandary of the immovable object and the unstoppable force was solved using physics:

That video has absolutely nothing to do with the price of Swiss cheese. I just like simplified science. But as for Big Ern; even with a ringer sub, and Meister bowling well below average, they couldn’t manage more than one paltry point. They hung their heads in shame, akin to Charlie Brown after one of his many disappointments. After week 3 TBW!!! was back to even. It was time to rededicate ourselves to winning.

At the urging of the young and, as of yet, unproven new captain Chris “Trashman” Jones TBW!!! spent a week at “Nude Nude Nudes” on Century Blvd. We lavished ourselves with skanky lap dances; Adam “Disco Isn’t Dead” Gard caught crabs…twice. It was awesome.

We're looking for skanks

Heather “I Don’t Likes the Ghosts” Krull took off after 6 days to go back to the studio and drop some sick rhymes for her new single “Need a Penny, Leave a Penny”.  She demo’ed it for us and it is fucking sick. It’s like “The Humpty Dance” meets “The message” meets “The Way We Were”.

Week 4 saw us facing off against the badgers of honey. Now they were never really a tough team to begin with; and like R.E.M., they’ve only gotten worse with age. I believe some of the exact words used by Bowling Monthly Illustrated to describe them were: laughable, non-threatening, and sad eyes. The only time the night was in question was game 2 after a 6-strike tear by their anchor. I had given up, Krull had given up, and the stock market was probably going to open down 800 pts. Jones and I walked away. Adam “I’m Clutch When I Don’t Suck” Gard came up to us and posed the question:

(Forlornly) Who just got a turkey to win that bullshit game? This guy.

From then on it was sweep city. We did start from behind in game 3; but we love coming from behind, it gives us easier “access”.

Tonight sees a return to lanes one and two and a match- up with the renamed “Wash Your Balls”, clever…nope. Who will be Gurri-less, and therefore easy prey. The only possible detriment is the shrill ass cries those bitches be making whenever someone picks up the bowling ball. Also my mind will be elsewhere because this is happening:

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