BOWLING WALLENDAS!!! MOVE INTO 3RD PLACE, ADAM INCONSOLABLE. HOW TO MAKE THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE A SPECIAL MEATLOAF

Maybe it was having the local villagers massage linseed oil into his foot thrice daily. Perhaps it was the afternoon sauna sessions he took where the steam was generated by heating up 80 Nuns’ tears, or it was possibly the three daily meals consisting only of endangered species; but Chris “Trashman” Jones is out of St. Nik Wallendas Bowling Wallendas!!! Rehab Facility and Day Spa for Incredibly Good Looking People.

I feel good, I probably should have opted for the “Orphan Package*” but the rehab sessions I got did the trick. I should be less stupid from this point forward. And by stupid I mean awful at bowling. I still have no idea who won the Civil War in America.

Team captain Adam Gard was most pleased with his return performance. But Adam is pleased with pretty much everything, I mean who can tell. The guy is like Silent Cal Coolidge. It seemed like he wasn’t that pissed about the bowling and he wants to get roast beef sandwiches.  That boy do love his roast beef.

There isn’t much else to report aside from us putting a down payment on Switzerland, but that’s still kind of a hush-hush deal so instead I’ll post a video of the Carpenters singing “Sing”

Voice like an angel...

Meister Out

*The Orphan Package consists of about 50 orphans following you around and trying to impress you to adopt them. You can’t really adopt them and they know it, but it makes you feel wanted and needed. For their services the orphans (and these are real orphans whose parents were probably killed by our elite Wallendian Ninja force) earn about 7 cents a day, a kings ransom if you’re an orphan. It truly is one of the best packages offered at the facility. Some other amazing packages include:

Find a Hobo, Punch a Hobo- When visitors opt for this package if they come across strategically placed hobos at our facility they are allowed to punch them, kick them, spit on them or whatever basic physical threat they want. Great for rage sufferers.

The Lollipop Girls- Need to simply de-stress? Why not spend an hour watching buxom young gals lick popsicles in school girl outfits. NO TOUCHING!!!

And How Was Your Day? – Hey ladies, do you feel like your man doesn’t seem interested in what’s going on in your life? Well these gentlemen only care about what’s going on with you. If you’re lucky they may even notice you’ve been losing weight.

You mean that wasn’t a drone video game? – That’s right folks, TBW have inked a deal with the CIA and for $120,000,000/hr you get to fly actual drone aircraft and fulfill assassination missions for the good old U.S. of A. You’ll delight in dropping smart bombs into heavily populated areas and assassinating top level Al Queda figures all for your mental health.