Some people have been saying “When are you going to post something?” It’s been weeks. Well maybe you aren’t familiar with another TNT posters blog, Back Door Santa. If you aren’t you should take a look see and you’ll understand why I haven’t posted. I’VE BEEN BUSY!!! Running point for Back Door Santa’s legal needs is like three full time jobs.
My days have consisted of trial prep, pre-trial motions, more prep, client meetings, and ultimately the trial itself. Am I hopeful for a positive outcome? Of course I am, the plaintiff’s have no case whatsoever. They’re nothing more than cabal of thugs trying to enforce their “non-justice” on Patriotic Americans like good old Hacksaw and yourself.
I thought after we won the sponsorship battle with El Presidente he would have known he wasn’t dealing with a bunch of rubes. Well it turns out he’s gone completely loco with power and is trying to cut both BDS and TBW off at the knees. Last night The El One was overheard saying: “Those Wallendas think they’re all that and a side of some grade A blow, well just wait till I lay the whammy on them.” I’ve got news for you Senor Presidente, we are all that and a huge giant bag of Grade A Columbian Yay. You want to make the Wallendas pay because I represent your mortal enemies? In the words of Heather “Doc” Krull “That’s fine.”
That is why I am declaring next Thursday April 21, 2011 the first ever “WEAR GLOVES TO COMBAT CORRUPTION DAY!!!” I encourage you to tell your friends and family to wear sanitary leather gloves next week, keep your hands free of corruption.
Okay enough proselytizing, on to new business. The Wallendas needed to finish strong in order to get where they want and should be. Sadly the past few weeks were not the best bowling the Wallendas had to offer. We needed to win 3 or more games the previous 3 weeks leading up to last night. I think we did that once out of those 3 weeks. It wasn’t all my fault, last week was the notorious night of the 30 frame boner as our competition was especially pants splittingly hot.
As we entered last night’s games we held our heads low as we had dropped to 4th with nary a chance of making it to any type of placing game come position week. Things started as usual, Kevin “Moral Center” Meister was up to his usual tricks of bowling awful but charming the panties off the other team. Heather “Doc “ Krull bowled capably and encouraged Meister’s shenanigans. Chris “Brooklyn Trashman” Jones and Adam “I wasn’t Elected but I’m the Guv” Gard both amply fulfilled their duties as the “big guns” of TBW. Before we knew what hit us TBW had won 2 games, and we’re well on our way to 4 points. But 4 points without a little help is like going to the donkey show in Tijuana without and singles, it’s just not worth it. We needed other teams to fail, and they did not disappoint.
That’s How We Storm Out of the Bowling Alley when we don’t do very well took only one point from their far inferior competition. Perennial cheaters Pants on the Ground couldn’t get their opponents to look away long enough to change the scores. But the losses that will be most debated are those of BDS.
El Presidente was already crying foul last night when he saw the match up forming for next week on lanes 1 and 2. The possibility of this match up has haunted his dreams for over a year now, the mere thought of seeing two teams so perfectly matched up in both skill and charm has been known to send El Presidente running like a mad man to where the ocean meets the shore. I’ve even heard that when someone floated the idea of this match up to him two weeks ago he crapped his pants, put his thumb in his mouth, and called his mother. That’s right readers, next week brings to TNT the most dynamic, most talked about, most hotly anticipated championship game this league has ever seen.
Next week on lanes 1 and 2 you will see the two teams that define TNT face off for the first time in a championship match. Back Door Santa vs The Bowling Wallendas, a match up that Rich Eisen said this morning was “Devoid of an underdog.”
Below is a timeline of the events that occurred after the match was announced:
9:15pm- BDS and TBW learn they will face eachother in the finals.
9:16pm- BDS collectively pulls their jaws off the floor and begins dancing. Shotboy jumps to the bar begins masturbating furiously. Three women in the bar leave for planned parenthood shortly thereafter for the morning after pill. There’s a 57% chance that the pill will not work.
9:17pm- The Guv punches waiter Josh “Ambrose Burnside” in the face, just because.
9:18pm- The Trashman asks Don “The Bear” Phillips if he’s getting laid this season, Don answers yes. Trashman replies “That’s a no.” Meister can’t restrain his laughter anymore and walks away missing the rest of the conversation.
9:20pm- Powderkeg picks “Don’t Stop Believing” by journey on the jukebox.
9:21pm- Powderkeg realizes his mistake and instead chooses Miley Cyrus’s seminal classic “Party in the USA”.
9:22pm Hacksaw chews through a bowling pin, realizes that the Wood Mafia have spies everywhere and attempts to call legal counsel.
9:22:30- Kevin Meister sitting two bar stools away is already working on an alibi for Hacksaw, he has called a press conference and is ready to present evidence that the pin was destroyed by an angry beaver released into Bayshore by an already on the ropes El Presidente.
9:25pm- Dynamite gets a tattoo on his back to celebrate the occasion, future generations will use images of this tattoo as the basis of a new religion.
9:30pm- The Doc makes sure Ambrose Burnside is fine, promptly punches him again.
9:40pm- El Presidente is found in the ladies room weeping into the biggest pair of granny panties anyone has ever seen. As the paramedics take him to the UCLA Psyche Ward he is heard mumbling “It’s all over, my anti-justice campaign is done.”
10:00pm- both teams take to the streets, roll several hobos and set fire to 3 conversion vans. Subsequently their mere presence gives 2 cripples the ability to walk and it’s been reported that Los Angeles didn’t suffer a single suicide that night.
8:00am EST- White House Press Secretary Jay Carney calls a press conference to discuss how ticket sales of this “most electrifying of match-ups” will erase the deficit and usher in a new age of American prosperity. It’s also believed that if tapes of the match can be smuggled into Libya, Muammar Qadaffi will most probably end his war against his population.
Where will you be next Thursday?
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