70,000 eager fans, 300 of which were Make-A-Wish Foundation recipients crowded Pico Blvd. and Bayshore lanes to get a glimpse of the bowling exhibition put on by The Bowling Wallendas and Back Door Santa only to be sorely disappointed. The crowd was a motley crew sporting signs and t-shirts that read things like: “Keep Molina out of TNT” “No Molina is the best Molina” and “Kevin Call Me, I’m Late”.
Both teams were off their games last night. Chris Jones could not attend as he was having a delayed “tommy-john” surgery in hopes that he’ll be good to go come the next season. Powderkeg spent the evening cruising Planned Parenthoods hoping to meet “easy chicks”. Heather Krull was the only stand-out on both squads as she battled Adam Gard for hot Fudge Sundaes and bowled her heart out against Kevin “Built in Nickname” Meister so she wouldn’t have to blow him…again. She released this statement:
“He has this rule, since he’s the worst on our team if we
bowl worse against him we have to give him a BJ’er. I
honestly think that he slipped us all something when we
agreed to that bullshit. But rules are rules and we are
trying to have a society here.”
Heather did not have to give any blowies, or handies, to team member Meister; who himself struggled all night long.
“I’m trying out a new throw. I’ve gone as far as I can with
my straight ball. It’s time for something different. I could
wrestling boots but they don’t slide.”
One spectator, Little Mikey Sorenson from Fargo, was so un-impressed with Dynamite Chris Parish’s awful accuracy said he was thinking he may just go into the priesthood.
“These guys are awful, it’s so fake. Just like when I watched
Hollywood Hulk Hogan against The Rock and my dad told
me it was scripted. I think these guys are bogus. I’m going to
become a priest so I can touch kids…hearts.”
The whole night was a debacle. When the teams were eating pizza they were subjected to boos, thrown tomatoes, and signs reading “I got Cancer for this?!?!” One Make a Wisher died mid-evening from disappointment. That really seemed to get to Hacksaw who openly wept. When league dictator El Presidente said “He’s going to die anyway, why are you crying fool?” Hacksaw could contain himself no longer. Weeks of pent up frustration at the leagues mistreatment were released in one tremendous blow and he felled El Presidente. That was the only big pop of the evening as the crowd, which by now had dwindled to a measly 54,329 cheered the images broadcast on the jumbo-tron.
At the end of it all both teams were glad it was over.
“Hey it was an exhibition match and I think as Dynamite said
we left it all on the lanes last week. I’m just glad we were able
to raise over $3 billion for Sri Lankan orphans.” Kevin Meister
Aside from the altercation on Lane 14 there was also considerable controversy regarding the three-way tie for second. While the Wallendas bowled on lanes 1 and 2 last week, and were true second placers, league miscreant and shameless self-promoter Tony “Il Padrino” Cortese named his team as “First Second Place Team” because of the introduction of season total pins plus handicap.
When reached by telephone at his un-disclosed hospital, seriously he’s not in drug rehab, Chris Trashman” Jones was livid:
“Are you kidding me? I think it’s a well established fact that
the Wallendas may have one of, if not the lowest handicap
in the league. Padrino is an attention whore. If he can talk his
team up then that’s what he does. Meister better not hump
one ball return tonight. Cut into TNT’s revenue stream and
teach Cortese a lesson.”
Meister didn’t hump any returns despite recording multiple strikes in all three games he bowled. In fact none of the Wallendas did anything resembling overt celebration even as Adam “The Guv” Gard recorded some pretty sweet shots simply bowling from “Downtown”.
The evening was further hampered when Meister was served no fewer than 13 times with paternity suits. “I guess standing in front of the microwave doesn’t kill my virility” quipped an easy going Meister, who took every process server in stride and also remarked “hey man if they didn’t want to get pregnant they would have sex with Glass Wall.”
Another angry fan attacked Adam Gard with a samurai sword, Gard took the sword broke it over his knee like Sully smashing a pizza box and bowled a strike. Then after the evening proceeded to teach his would be attacker how you really kill someone with a sword. It was a one time lesson.
So another season comes to an end. They’ve got a one week lay-off then their back at it on May 12. There was the possibility of some off-season moves but it appears the grass roots “Keep Molina Out” movement has gained some steam after being heavily featured on “360 with Anderson “premature grey” Cooper. Who knows what the summer season will bring, will TNT be ready for a rematch? Will Turkey Juice finally start bowling to their potential? Will Hacksaw be indicted again? Only time will tell.
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