Well Carmageddon passed with nary a whisper, the debt ceiling debate is still a non-starter. But the real tragedy is the media black-out over Bayshore-ageddon. The tandem fairness squad of El Presidente and Il Padrino a.k.a. The Wonder Corruption Twins or as they’re known in Cuba “El Fairness Conquistadores” have completed obliterated all mention of the current strife at Bayshore lanes from all media outlets. I’m pretty sure this blog will be taken down within minutes of it being posted and the key words bayshore, corruption, and balls being picked up by EP’s Cray 6 supercomputer that’s sole purpose is rooting out the truth and corrupting it.
As anyone in the know knows Bayshore lanes has been undergoing a renovation of sorts. A couple seasons ago the bathrooms were remodeled, last season they classed up the bowling alley diner. This season apparently they won’t be happy until they bring the roof down over our heads. In the past I’ve written about the lack of A/C at the lanes. I’ve also speculated that EP likes no A/C because as I’ve heard him say on more than one occasion “I’m hot blooded baby, I need the heat it warms up my balls.” The thing is this current construction is leading to issues with our ability to bowl. Four teams each week will be unable to bowl because pillars restrict the gutters.
Initially Padrino floated the idea of teams meeting on non-league nights to compete. Everyone knows this is horseshit. Teams bowl worse when they don’t have an opponent. It’s simple math. Thing is when I turned a TV last week all the news was about the 405 and its closure. When I asked the league leadership **cough** corruption**cough** why there were no stories on Bayshore I was informed that “The world doesn’t need to know about bayshore.” I’m sorry people but this is ridiculous. The world doesn’t need to know that the Wallendas are suffering through a horrid season because EP’s rule changes have enabled his team to accumulate a 1,765,832 pin handicap? Or that Padrino and his lot have themselves doctored scorecards to take points away from TBW in order to oppress them? League secretary and apparent forgery expert il Padrino said this when questioned:
“The charges of point tampering are
completely and utterly unfounded.
Kevin is just trying to justify his teams
abysmal record. I won’t (drops scorecards)
DON’T LOOK AT THOSE!!! THOSE ARE FOR
ANOTHER LEAGUE!!!”
A search of IP’s briefcase turned up various calligraphic devices, the same brand used by moi when I fill out a scoresheet, right down to the ink. Coincidence? No way Jose. TNT is dirtier than Tijuana whore on her lunch break. El Presidente is all for it because he’s been trying to get in on some of that sweet endorsement money that TBW and Backdoor Santa have been pulling in, current estimates have their weekly earnings somewhere in the high nine figures. EP thinks if he can make the Wallendas suffer enough they’ll cave to pressure and open up the profit sharing to the whole league. As captain of the Wallendas and legal counsel to BDS I can tell you guys THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN!!! We would rather suffer through 8 terrible seasons and continually amaze and dazzle fans then to cowtow to these little napoleons.
So I say write your congress person, ask them “WHAT IS GOING WITH CONSTRUCTION AT BAYSHORE LANES?!?!?!?! How come than can finish a multi-million dollar highway project 17 HOURS AHEAD OF SCHEDULE BUT BAYSHORE’S CEILING WILL STILL BE WORKED ON TWO WEEKS FROM NOW???” Only through your help can we hope to begin toppling these dictators. We’ve beat them in the courts, we’ve trounced them in public opinion polls conducted by myself and Dynamite Parish, now we need to get congress involved. Let’s put their feet to the fire, let’s make em sweat.
There’s nothing to do about it I suppose. Even Shotboy and my testimony before congress has yielded zero results. So we press on and here’s a tidbot you’ll enjoy. A few months ago I was base jumping off the Burj Khalifa building in Dubai with BDS captain, and TNT board mole, Shotboy and we got to thinking. We play on two pretty dynamic teams, we rake in billions of dollars monthly in revenue, we are pretty close to discovering a cure for the common cold; why aren’t we in business together to give back to the community? So we’ve just inked a deal that will make you cream your jeans. The Bowling Wallendas and Backdoor Santa are pleased to announce that just in time for Labor day we are opening “The TNT SUPER FANTASTIC WATERPARK!!!” or as Its been nicknamed by the crew “THE GIANT DOUCHER”. The park will cover 87 miles of beautiful Southern California and will consist of 1800 different waterslides. Water slide based variety shows for the whole family, and a life sized replica of Hackasaur, that lovable scamp who trains BDS teammates. Tickets will be a reasonably priced Free for families in need and if you work above middle management for a major or minor corporation, bank, or are an elected official the cost is $8 billion dollars per person and each family member must give up a kidney. So save the date and come on out to our grand opening, get douched with the stars.
Since congress was unwilling to act, despite the impassioned speeches we gave. TBW were forced to post-bowl this past Thursday. The weeks leading up to our Challenge of the Superfriends has been marred by losses, pain, and an evening of over-imbibing (which itself led to an awkward bike ride home). So when going against the Superfriends we were nervous.
The Trashman had himself a pretty sexy night of bowling. He enjoyed dancing with the 200’s all night long. At one point he prepared to roll the ball but instead merely looked at the pins which immediately burst into splinters. After the match he returned his ball to his bag and walked into the distance. Before leaving he said “I’ll be back next week to kick some more of these pussy assholes around.”
Garddog weathered the storm of a fairly average night of bowling. He exploded her early on only to be felled by the fact that since we post bowled no one was there to marvel at our awesomeness. Much like the rare corpse flower without an audience to observe his skills the Garddog will wither and die. By the end of night Adam was worried about keeping his 300 average. His worries were founded as he slipped to a 299 average. His performance was a big disappointment to the whole team. He booked a flight to the Himalayas to get his shit in order.
Heather “Okay Now Cough” Krull couldn’t make it out to the games because she’s back in the studio recording yet another platinum hip-hop record. She’s said that this one is tentatively titled “Rip Yo Azz!!!”, she’s played the single “Biking n Puking” for us and that shit is truly off the hook. She promises to be back next week.
For my part I didn’t suck…in the first game. Then I decided to go back to my original ways and completely let every down. But I don’t know that I can be blamed, I was bowling with a 30 frame boner so that makes rolling the rock difficult at best. The worst part is that when I agreed to post-bowl I also agreed to bowl for children cancer patients. In my defense I was whacked out on Percocet when I agreed to bowl three 300 games for the tumor ridden tykes, but that didn’t make the sting of their accusing terminally ill eyes any less painful. NO MORE CHARITY GAMES FOR ME!!!
I don’t even know who we bowl this week. I assume we’ll either win or lose, but I do know this. It’s going to be fucking hot if we’re on any lanes past 17.
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