Well El Presidente and Il Padrino were trying to make moves behind the scenes. The way TNT has been ending this season has you would think that cultural heroes and American bad-asses Bowling Wallendas and Back Door Santa have been doing nothing to prevent it. Worry not brave followers, your idols have not slacked off one bit.
“But you guys aren’t playing each other in the championship this season?”
Let me explain to you what has happened this season. Somewhere around week 3 TBW team sage Adam Gard Dogg” Gard and BDS’s John “Walks with quiet dignity” Serris called each other on the phone at the exact same time. It was odd but they both had the exact same thought: “El Presidente is setting up an Evil Soup victory”. After they got over the whole “wow that is so weird that we tried calling each other at the same time” business they called number cruncher Heather “Doc” Krull. She looked at the data on hand:
El Presidente is a notorious cheater
Evil Soup is a new team with new girls, who have new breasts
Il Padrino hates BDS and TBW and some say he is the real brains behind the El Presidente situation.
BDS and TBW faced more top tier teams than any other team in the history of TNT combined
She also fed in a bunch of formulas that I won’t go into length at here because if I did your puny fucking heads would explode and you’d be institutionalized for at least a year before you learned to eat solid food again.
Any way she input this data into our supercomputer or the Wallendatron 9000 and in roughly 8 nano-seconds the computer spit out this tidbit:
“Evil Soup Wins the TNT league by week 9.”
Needless to say a conference was called; we all decided in fairness, because that’s what TBW and BDS are all about, the four day conference would be split between our Tibetan mountain retreat and BDS’s giant fucking yacht. We looked at every possibility to avert the outcome that Wallendatron had come up with, but no matter how we crunched the numbers we couldn’t do it without cheating. So we decided to take the high road and in a sense subvert El Presidente’s chances of TNT domination.
We danced his tarantella to its fullest; playing the part beautifully I might add. We came and bowled every week and sometimes we lost and sometimes we won. But the whole time we kept a close eye on our scores and the competition’s. In the end on position night, when TNT gets its biggest numbers on Versus, will the cameras be tuned to the first and second place game where the outcome is already decided? Will the viewers want to see a battle for third between the non-descript Turkey Hunters and perennial also-rans Spare Parts? Or will all those cameras in all their HD glory be filming lanes five and six where The Bowling Wallendas will face off against their longtime frenemies Back Door Santa?
That’s right El Presidente TBW and BDS MOVED THE FUCKING MONEY GAME ON YOU!!! Did you think by making Evil Soup so out of reach that you could manufacture stars? Bob Panzer? Really? The man’s last name reminds you of the blitzkrieg. It’s not a playful German name like Meister. Well I’m sorry El Presidente but stars may be manufactured for the Disney channel but in TNT stars are born, not pre-packaged like Oscar Meyer lunch meat. So while the championship game ratings plummet we’ll be sitting pretty on lanes five and six signing autographs for orphans and making sure the poor have enough to eat this thanksgiving. Better luck next time folio.
If anyone out there denies that Evil Soup has had a leg up, their main sub is David “I’m a biker who bowls” Gatto who is a notoriously great bowler. And he also happens to be a former long time teammate of El Presidente. I could go into more detail about the amount of letters in people's names but I think you can all agree I've never, and I never will, try to steer you wrong.
Seeing as El Presidente has his moves planned well into the future there isn’t much we as fairness coordinators can do but react. But if you’ve read BDS’s insightful blog you’ll see that we’re doing everything we can to stymie the corruption and keep TNT fair everyone.
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