Recent developments in the TNT League have necessitated The Bowling Wallendas to re-group and re-arm themselves for the end run of the season. Therefore before our match with Superfriends TBW met at our secret headquarters and with various members of SEAL Team Six to plot our next move. Thus was formed STRIKE FORCE W. Rigorous training for the next week led to a marked improvement in TBW abilities. Drawing upon the Navy SEAL’s ability to kill and the Wallendas’ ability to bowl we’ve formed a new martial art. It helped us win 3 against Superfriends and another week of intense training allowed us to use those abilities to annihilate, and I do mean annihilate, Pants on the Ground. While we were training and learning this new art Bruce Lee’s ghost visited us, watched our movements and declared it more effective and powerful than even his Jeet Kune Do. Mighty praise indeed from the greatest martial artist the world has ever known. The spirit even added that he’d loved to have given us some tips to help but we had already surpassed him in style and sheer fighting ability. Thanks ghost of Bruce Lee, don’t be a stranger, say hi to Brandon for us.
The name of this new beautiful and deadly style hasn’t been officially decided upon yet; I’m partial to Boogie Woogie One-Ski, but I stole that from a movie called Frost Bite. So we are announcing a competition:
NAME OUR FIGHTING STYLE!!!
Just e-mail me your submissions, limit 20 per reader. A group of judges, and by group I mean the mother fucking supreme court you useless cunts, will pick the best three and we’ll offer those up for voting. Submission deadline is Friday August 12 at 5pm PST. The winning submission will receive absolutely nothing but the chance to bowl with the Wallendas at a time of our choosing.
Now Pants on the Ground or as I call them- our fucking bitches. From the outset it was apparent that something special was in the air. Maybe it was all the time we spent in the sweat lodge leading up to the competition, maybe it was the grilled cheese sandwiches; chances are we’ll never know. But TBW took it directly to the competition right from the start. After roundly defeating the once former champions in game 1 TBW never looked back. By the middle of Game 2 we knew we had won 3 points, but we wanted a clean sweep so no one could say we weren’t the toughest hombres on the block. By the middle of game 3 we were planning on opening a Wallendas themed S&M club because we were DOMINATING THEM. We could have only made it worse by horse whipping them into submission.
Highlights include:
Gard Dog dismantling the 200 barrier again. The police were like “Hey you can’t go there!!!” The Dog was like “Try and stop me pigs!!!” Spoiler alert- They didn’t stop him.
Kevin “Usually I’m a letdown” Meister- Had a great first game and kept the remainder of his scores firmly above average. It turns out my habit of humping the ball return also seemed to stir up some memories in the pants of Gayle. Oh she feigned disgust and dislike at my antics but when I got home I found 76 different napkins with her phone number on it and various disgusting porno graphic drawings. Sorry lady but I don’t give my essence out to just any opponents, I save all my baby batter for one lady and one lady only…Miss 30 Frame Boner herself, Miss May.
Heather “The Album is Almost Ready” Krull – Didn’t have the most auspicious outing but she was coming off a one week lay-off and had spent a lot of time in the studio beating the shit out of anything Kayne can ever come up with.
The big winner of the week was the Trashman, he was stupendous this week. His performance really carried the team to absolute victory. When asked what is best in life he replied: “To Crush Your Enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women”. Seriously the guy was bugging last week. Absolute mayhem caused by him on the lanes.
New team addition in a mascot capacity Shawn “If It Bleeds, I can Fuck It” Clancey made his first appearance at Bayshore. He was instantly swept up into the fervor of Wallendas bowling. The only down point of the night was when he insisted that trailer trash hot girl was in fact actually hot and it wasn’t a trick of the lights. We conceded she was less shiny last Thursday than on previous nights.
The only thing marring the night was the curious absence of Back Door Santa. We alerted our security that they were missing and even called Hack-o-saur but we got nothing. Maybe they pre-bowled, we don’t know but we haven’t given up the search. If you are able to read this BDS brethren STAY ALIVE, NO MATTER WHAT OCCURS, WE WILL FIND YOU!!!
Going forward TBW are hoping to move up in the rankings and make an end run at second or third. Math manipulators Evil Soup have pretty much locked up first as Bowling Bob Panzer a.k.a. Bowl-Bot continues to roll major rocks. Trident seems to put up some serious points even with her ridiculous handicap. I think I speak for all of TNT when I say Evil Soup sucks.
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