Week 1 Disaster, Could this be the end of the Wallendas?

I hate to be the bearer of bad news sports fans but Wallenda Nation is in crisis. Some say it's the 30 games of bowling a day, even on game day. Some say it's the vigorous heat of Bayshore Lanes. Some say it's the burden of a team that is awesome 26 hours a day 30 days a week 855 days a year. But if any one, and I mean any one, says it's the amount of alcohol we drink I will smash that mother fucker in the face; with my fist, over and over again.

We lost last week. We lost to ham and eggers. We lost to turkey hunters. Our first game we looked strong, like the mighty viking warriors we are. But after that we become addled, geriatric, bed shitters who couldn't find our reading glasses.

Maybe the team is over committing itself. Maybe Heather "Doc" Krull should be trying to release a new double CD every month. Maybe Chris "Trashman" Jones shouldn't be huffing glue and "buying and selling bitches like they was noodles". Maybe Adam "Gard Dogg" Gard shouldn't be roaming the streets every night throat punching every cross-eyed mother fucker he sees. Maybe our team sub Ryan "I'll fucking end you if you use that singer songwriter bit again" Adams shouldn't be speculating in the Asian markets. Hell maybe I shouldn't be practicing law, I never passed the bar and maybe I've won over 4 cases but it takes away from the team.

Thing is faithful Wallendians, those things I mentioned are all maybes. If I want to go with maybes, then perhaps I should also add: Maybe El Presidente better watch his back. Maybe Il Padrino better make league meetings take less time. And maybe, just maybe, the rest of the TNT league should just lay down their fucking bowling balls and cede the season to us. Because the end result of this season is that all the other teams weep and cry during position week as the Wallendas stand on Lane 1 and lord over them that we won this bitch in Week 7.

HOLY FUCK!!! Did he just do that? Did he just say they'll have won the season in Week 7? Let me answer your question with a question. CAN YOU FUCKING READ??? Well if you can then you know the answer is yes, I did call my shot. See some other teams may put more strikes on the board. Some other teams may use a better strategy. Hell, some other teams may even think they're better looking. But none of those teams has bigger cocks than us. We're sporting more meat than Oscar Fucking Meyer. Hell even the strap-on Heather uses to scare hobos is bigger than 97% of TNT.

So don't you worry about a thing. The Bowling Wallendas are going to drive this big rig home before too long and totally destroy the rest of TNT.

EL PRESIDENTE FOR LIFE??? ZACHFOCS Takes Action!!! Wallendas Under Siege!!! Whitney Cummings New Show Looks Like Shit!!

As a new season dawns on us The Bowling Wallendas will descend from their mountain lair, high atop Mount Fuji, and bring their unique brand of awesome back to TNT. Much like the “mythical” phoenix rising from the ashes to be reborn, the Wallendas feel themselves reborn in a certain fashion. Of course we’re descending from a mountain and not rising from ashes.

Gone is the season plagued by injuries both physical and emotional. Sadly it seems they and their brethren of Back Door Santa will continue to be dogged by the evil forces of El Presidente. In an effort to stem some of the propaganda spewing forth from El Corrupto Daily, Havana’s second best selling daily periodical, Meister along with his cohort in ZACHFOCS Nick “Powderkeg” Lyons have proposed renaming El Presidente CRS-ONE in all future postings.

“Listen the first thing we noticed when we started ZACHFOCS was that people hate difficult anagrams.” Nick Lyons was noted as saying.

“Yeah, I mean you wouldn’t believe how many PR people are on our asses about changing ZACHFOCS. How fucking hard is it to know ZACHFOCS stands for Zealously Adored Champions Heralded For Opposing Corruption & Suspiciousness?” Meister added.

When pushed on the matter Powderkeg went on to explain- “CRS-ONE stands for Corruption Reigns Supreme Over Nearly Everyone. Now I know that’s not true, you know that’s not true. Hell even CRS-ONE himself knows it’s not true. But if you name someone with an anagram that doesn’t mean a damn thing you take away their power. Look at Cher, her name stands for Crusty Ho Enveloped by Rubber. Sure she had a good run for a while but have you heard from her lately?”

“We rest our case. And you clowns in the press ought to know with my trial record of 5 wins no losses and 368 charges dropped before the case even reaches trial; that when I rest my case, I really rest my case.” Meister finished.

Now back to some very disturbing TBW business. On our one week sabbatical we rooted out a traitor in their midst. Shawn Clancy has officially turned coat. That’s right, the guy who kept promising to show up at our games with an official WALLENDAS FAN t-shirt has betrayed us. Yep Mr. Necktie himself, Shawn Clancy, has decided to join the TNT league. A former Wallendas booster, Necktie now finds himself playing for Honey Badgers DGAS. It is a definite slap in the face to TBW’er Chris “Trashman” Jones who taught the young Necktie everything he knows.

“He’s pretty much dead to me.” Jones said before he grabbed Ambrose Burnside and smacked the taste out of his mouth.

“I hope he gets the clap.” Said Adam “Gard Dogg” Gard.

“I hope he gets a girlfriend, and then he gets that girlfriend super pregnant. Like so pregnant there is no way they could do an abortion.” Commented team witch doctor Heather Krull.

“seriously I’ll be destroying my team from the inside. I’m like rot for bowling.” Pled Clancy.

He may be right too. I’ve bowled with the guy and he’s anything but consistent. Either way I wish him the best of luck in the upcoming season. But I would like to echo Heather’s thoughts and hope he totally knocks up some girl with like an unkillable fetus.

TBD and BDS Face off in THE NEW MONEY GAME!!!

Well El Presidente and Il Padrino were trying to make moves behind the scenes. The way TNT has been ending this season has you would think that cultural heroes and American bad-asses Bowling Wallendas and Back Door Santa have been doing nothing to prevent it. Worry not brave followers, your idols have not slacked off one bit.

“But you guys aren’t playing each other in the championship this season?”

Let me explain to you what has happened this season. Somewhere around week 3 TBW team sage Adam Gard Dogg” Gard and BDS’s John “Walks with quiet dignity” Serris called each other on the phone at the exact same time. It was odd but they both had the exact same thought: “El Presidente is setting up an Evil Soup victory”. After they got over the whole “wow that is so weird that we tried calling each other at the same time” business they called number cruncher Heather “Doc” Krull. She looked at the data on hand:

El Presidente is a notorious cheater

Evil Soup is a new team with new girls, who have new breasts

Il Padrino hates BDS and TBW and some say he is the real brains behind the El Presidente situation.

BDS and TBW faced more top tier teams than any other team in the history of TNT combined

She also fed in a bunch of formulas that I won’t go into length at here because if I did your puny fucking heads would explode and you’d be institutionalized for at least a year before you learned to eat solid food again.

Any way she input this data into our supercomputer or the Wallendatron 9000 and in roughly 8 nano-seconds the computer spit out this tidbit:

“Evil Soup Wins the TNT league by week 9.”

Needless to say a conference was called; we all decided in fairness, because that’s what TBW and BDS are all about, the four day conference would be split between our Tibetan mountain retreat and BDS’s giant fucking yacht. We looked at every possibility to avert the outcome that Wallendatron had come up with, but no matter how we crunched the numbers we couldn’t do it without cheating. So we decided to take the high road and in a sense subvert El Presidente’s chances of TNT domination.

We danced his tarantella to its fullest; playing the part beautifully I might add. We came and bowled every week and sometimes we lost and sometimes we won. But the whole time we kept a close eye on our scores and the competition’s. In the end on position night, when TNT gets its biggest numbers on Versus, will the cameras be tuned to the first and second place game where the outcome is already decided? Will the viewers want to see a battle for third between the non-descript Turkey Hunters and perennial also-rans Spare Parts? Or will all those cameras in all their HD glory be filming lanes five and six where The Bowling Wallendas will face off against their longtime frenemies Back Door Santa?

That’s right El Presidente TBW and BDS MOVED THE FUCKING MONEY GAME ON YOU!!! Did you think by making Evil Soup so out of reach that you could manufacture stars? Bob Panzer? Really? The man’s last name reminds you of the blitzkrieg. It’s not a playful German name like Meister. Well I’m sorry El Presidente but stars may be manufactured for the Disney channel but in TNT stars are born, not pre-packaged like Oscar Meyer lunch meat. So while the championship game ratings plummet we’ll be sitting pretty on lanes five and six signing autographs for orphans and making sure the poor have enough to eat this thanksgiving. Better luck next time folio.

If anyone out there denies that Evil Soup has had a leg up, their main sub is David “I’m a biker who bowls” Gatto who is a notoriously great bowler. And he also happens to be a former long time teammate of El Presidente. I could go into more detail about the amount of letters in people's names but I think you can all agree I've never, and I never will, try to steer you wrong.

Seeing as El Presidente has his moves planned well into the future there isn’t much we as fairness coordinators can do but react. But if you’ve read BDS’s insightful blog you’ll see that we’re doing everything we can to stymie the corruption and keep TNT fair everyone.

******BREAKING NEWS****** TNT Rocked by Scandal - BDS Suffers, Krull Attacked!!!

Dateline- RIGHT FUCKING NOW

THIS SHIT IS SERIOUSLY FUCKED!!!

Did you know why you didn't see BDS at TNT last Thursday? Because the corruption experts pulled their super awesome trick of "the lanes are messed up" crap again. That's two weeks in a row that the two greatest teams ever to bowl in this corrupt league haven't played on the same night. Did you also notice in that same time span that the Dow Jones industrial average has lost over 1100 points? RAND Scientists are working with DARPA to test the links behind this "coincidence". Guess what science nerds, I already crunched the numbers on my slide rule and you know what I discovered?

WHEN BDS AND TBW DON'T BOWL THE SAME NIGHT SHIT GETS WONKY ON WALL STREET!!!!

No need for you to conitnue your useless exercise, maybe you can get back to not finding a cure for cancer. I'm certain you can use your massive craniums to come up with even better boner pills. You're all a bunch of linuses.

Well guess what TNT? This Thursday marks the return of TBW and BDS bowling on the same night? Will there be huge gains Friday in the market? I won't promise anything. Both teams have decided to stay out of politics since we are getting ZERO support from congress regarding El Presidente and Il Padrino's massive amounts of corruption. We are but voices in the wilderness and when the time comes that congress and old 'Bama himself come calling for favors we'll just jump on our waterslides.

Beyond the regular amounts of corruption facing both of these incredibly handsome teams is a new threat:

Heather "Don't Want No Scrubs" Krull was FUCKING ATTACKED BY 68 NINJAS ARMED WITH NINJA STARS!!!

While walking home from the theater where she enjoyed "Crazy Stupid Love" 68 Ninjas wearing crazy ninjas outfits jumped off the Kirk Douglas Theater and attacked her. She valiantly fought off 67 of them but the last one, before running like the cowardly cur he( or she, cause they were in ninja clothes it's hard to tell) is, threw a ninja star that reactivated an old back injury she suffered while rescuing drowning puppies.

Luckily Ryan "it's time for you to go downtown" Adams is offering his axe, and not a moment too soon. He had to hightail it out of Mexico because apparently he knocked up some drug lord's mistress. In his words:

"Dude she was fine cherry wine, and you know I just had to have a taste. I don't see why he's all upset, she's a grown ass woman."

So he's ready to roll and Wallendas take on TNT walkabouts AWOL.

WALLENDAS ON A ROLL (and that is how you make a pun dickweeds)

Recent developments in the TNT League have necessitated The Bowling Wallendas to re-group and re-arm themselves for the end run of the season. Therefore before our match with Superfriends TBW met at our secret headquarters and with various members of SEAL Team Six to plot our next move. Thus was formed STRIKE FORCE W. Rigorous training for the next week led to a marked improvement in TBW abilities. Drawing upon the Navy SEAL’s ability to kill and the Wallendas’ ability to bowl we’ve formed a new martial art. It helped us win 3 against Superfriends and another week of intense training allowed us to use those abilities to annihilate, and I do mean annihilate, Pants on the Ground. While we were training and learning this new art Bruce Lee’s ghost visited us, watched our movements and declared it more effective and powerful than even his Jeet Kune Do. Mighty praise indeed from the greatest martial artist the world has ever known. The spirit even added that he’d loved to have given us some tips to help but we had already surpassed him in style and sheer fighting ability. Thanks ghost of Bruce Lee, don’t be a stranger, say hi to Brandon for us.

The name of this new beautiful and deadly style hasn’t been officially decided upon yet; I’m partial to Boogie Woogie One-Ski, but I stole that from a movie called Frost Bite. So we are announcing a competition:

NAME OUR FIGHTING STYLE!!!

Just e-mail me your submissions, limit 20 per reader. A group of judges, and by group I mean the mother fucking supreme court you useless cunts, will pick the best three and we’ll offer those up for voting. Submission deadline is Friday August 12 at 5pm PST. The winning submission will receive absolutely nothing but the chance to bowl with the Wallendas at a time of our choosing.

Now Pants on the Ground or as I call them- our fucking bitches. From the outset it was apparent that something special was in the air. Maybe it was all the time we spent in the sweat lodge leading up to the competition, maybe it was the grilled cheese sandwiches; chances are we’ll never know. But TBW took it directly to the competition right from the start. After roundly defeating the once former champions in game 1 TBW never looked back. By the middle of Game 2 we knew we had won 3 points, but we wanted a clean sweep so no one could say we weren’t the toughest hombres on the block. By the middle of game 3 we were planning on opening a Wallendas themed S&M club because we were DOMINATING THEM. We could have only made it worse by horse whipping them into submission.

Highlights include:

Gard Dog dismantling the 200 barrier again. The police were like “Hey you can’t go there!!!” The Dog was like “Try and stop me pigs!!!” Spoiler alert- They didn’t stop him.

Kevin “Usually I’m a letdown” Meister- Had a great first game and kept the remainder of his scores firmly above average. It turns out my habit of humping the ball return also seemed to stir up some memories in the pants of Gayle. Oh she feigned disgust and dislike at my antics but when I got home I found 76 different napkins with her phone number on it and various disgusting porno graphic drawings. Sorry lady but I don’t give my essence out to just any opponents, I save all my baby batter for one lady and one lady only…Miss 30 Frame Boner herself, Miss May.

Heather “The Album is Almost Ready” Krull – Didn’t have the most auspicious outing but she was coming off a one week lay-off and had spent a lot of time in the studio beating the shit out of anything Kayne can ever come up with.

The big winner of the week was the Trashman, he was stupendous this week. His performance really carried the team to absolute victory. When asked what is best in life he replied: “To Crush Your Enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women”. Seriously the guy was bugging last week. Absolute mayhem caused by him on the lanes.

New team addition in a mascot capacity Shawn “If It Bleeds, I can Fuck It” Clancey made his first appearance at Bayshore. He was instantly swept up into the fervor of Wallendas bowling. The only down point of the night was when he insisted that trailer trash hot girl was in fact actually hot and it wasn’t a trick of the lights. We conceded she was less shiny last Thursday than on previous nights.

The only thing marring the night was the curious absence of Back Door Santa. We alerted our security that they were missing and even called Hack-o-saur but we got nothing. Maybe they pre-bowled, we don’t know but we haven’t given up the search. If you are able to read this BDS brethren STAY ALIVE, NO MATTER WHAT OCCURS, WE WILL FIND YOU!!!

Going forward TBW are hoping to move up in the rankings and make an end run at second or third. Math manipulators Evil Soup have pretty much locked up first as Bowling Bob Panzer a.k.a. Bowl-Bot continues to roll major rocks. Trident seems to put up some serious points even with her ridiculous handicap. I think I speak for all of TNT when I say Evil Soup sucks.

BAYSHORE-AGEDDON STRIKES!!! BDS/TBW JOINT VENTURE!!!

Well Carmageddon passed with nary a whisper, the debt ceiling debate is still a non-starter. But the real tragedy is the media black-out over Bayshore-ageddon. The tandem fairness squad of El Presidente and Il Padrino a.k.a. The Wonder Corruption Twins or as they’re known in Cuba “El Fairness Conquistadores” have completed obliterated all mention of the current strife at Bayshore lanes from all media outlets. I’m pretty sure this blog will be taken down within minutes of it being posted and the key words bayshore, corruption, and balls being picked up by EP’s Cray 6 supercomputer that’s sole purpose is rooting out the truth and corrupting it.

As anyone in the know knows Bayshore lanes has been undergoing a renovation of sorts. A couple seasons ago the bathrooms were remodeled, last season they classed up the bowling alley diner. This season apparently they won’t be happy until they bring the roof down over our heads. In the past I’ve written about the lack of A/C at the lanes. I’ve also speculated that EP likes no A/C because as I’ve heard him say on more than one occasion “I’m hot blooded baby, I need the heat it warms up my balls.” The thing is this current construction is leading to issues with our ability to bowl. Four teams each week will be unable to bowl because pillars restrict the gutters.

Initially Padrino floated the idea of teams meeting on non-league nights to compete. Everyone knows this is horseshit. Teams bowl worse when they don’t have an opponent. It’s simple math. Thing is when I turned a TV last week all the news was about the 405 and its closure. When I asked the league leadership **cough** corruption**cough** why there were no stories on Bayshore I was informed that “The world doesn’t need to know about bayshore.” I’m sorry people but this is ridiculous. The world doesn’t need to know that the Wallendas are suffering through a horrid season because EP’s rule changes have enabled his team to accumulate a 1,765,832 pin handicap? Or that Padrino and his lot have themselves doctored scorecards to take points away from TBW in order to oppress them? League secretary and apparent forgery expert il Padrino said this when questioned:

                                                “The charges of point tampering are

                                                  completely and utterly unfounded.

                                                  Kevin is just trying to justify his teams

                                                 abysmal record. I won’t (drops scorecards)

                                                 DON’T LOOK AT THOSE!!! THOSE ARE FOR

                                                 ANOTHER LEAGUE!!!”

A search of IP’s briefcase turned up various calligraphic devices, the same brand used by moi when I fill out a scoresheet, right down to the ink. Coincidence? No way Jose. TNT is dirtier than Tijuana whore on her lunch break. El Presidente is all for it because he’s been trying to get in on some of that sweet endorsement money that TBW and Backdoor Santa have been pulling in, current estimates have their weekly earnings somewhere in the high nine figures. EP thinks if he can make the Wallendas suffer enough they’ll cave to pressure and open up the profit sharing to the whole league. As captain of the Wallendas and legal counsel to BDS I can tell you guys THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN!!! We would rather suffer through 8 terrible seasons and continually amaze and dazzle fans then to cowtow to these little napoleons.

So I say write your congress person, ask them “WHAT IS GOING WITH CONSTRUCTION AT BAYSHORE LANES?!?!?!?! How come than can finish a multi-million dollar highway project 17 HOURS AHEAD OF SCHEDULE BUT BAYSHORE’S CEILING WILL STILL BE WORKED ON TWO WEEKS FROM NOW???” Only through your help can we hope to begin toppling these dictators. We’ve beat them in the courts, we’ve trounced them in public opinion polls conducted by myself and Dynamite Parish, now we need to get congress involved. Let’s put their feet to the fire, let’s make em sweat.

There’s nothing to do about it I suppose. Even Shotboy and my testimony before congress has yielded zero results. So we press on and here’s a tidbot you’ll enjoy. A few months ago I was base jumping off the Burj Khalifa building in Dubai with BDS captain, and TNT board mole, Shotboy and we got to thinking. We play on two pretty dynamic teams, we rake in billions of dollars monthly in revenue, we are pretty close to discovering a cure for the common cold; why aren’t we in business together to give back to the community? So we’ve just inked a deal that will make you cream your jeans. The Bowling Wallendas and Backdoor Santa are pleased to announce that just in time for Labor day we are opening “The TNT SUPER FANTASTIC WATERPARK!!!” or as Its been nicknamed by the crew “THE GIANT DOUCHER”. The park will cover 87 miles of beautiful Southern California and will consist of 1800 different waterslides. Water slide based variety shows for the whole family, and a life sized replica of Hackasaur, that lovable scamp who trains BDS teammates. Tickets will be a reasonably priced Free for families in need and if you work above middle management for a major or minor corporation, bank, or are an elected official the cost is $8 billion dollars per person and each family member must give up a kidney. So save the date and come on out to our grand opening, get douched with the stars.

Since congress was unwilling to act, despite the impassioned speeches we gave. TBW were forced to post-bowl this past Thursday. The weeks leading up to our Challenge of the Superfriends has been marred by losses, pain, and an evening of over-imbibing (which itself led to an awkward bike ride home). So when going against the Superfriends we were nervous.

The Trashman had himself a pretty sexy night of bowling. He enjoyed dancing with the 200’s all night long. At one point he prepared to roll the ball but instead merely looked at the pins which immediately burst into splinters. After the match he returned his ball to his bag and walked into the distance. Before leaving he said “I’ll be back next week to kick some more of these pussy assholes around.”

Garddog weathered the storm of a fairly average night of bowling. He exploded her early on only to be felled by the fact that since we post bowled no one was there to marvel at our awesomeness. Much like the rare corpse flower without an audience to observe his skills the Garddog will wither and die. By the end of night Adam was worried about keeping his 300 average. His worries were founded as he slipped to a 299 average. His performance was a big disappointment to the whole team. He booked a flight to the Himalayas to get his shit in order.

Heather “Okay Now Cough” Krull couldn’t make it out to the games because she’s back in the studio recording yet another platinum hip-hop record. She’s said that this one is tentatively titled “Rip Yo Azz!!!”, she’s played the single “Biking n Puking” for us and that shit is truly off the hook. She promises to be back next week.

For my part I didn’t suck…in the first game. Then I decided to go back to my original ways and completely let every down. But I don’t know that I can be blamed, I was bowling with a 30 frame boner so that makes rolling the rock difficult at best. The worst part is that when I agreed to post-bowl I also agreed to bowl for children cancer patients. In my defense I was whacked out on Percocet when I agreed to bowl three 300 games for the tumor ridden tykes, but that didn’t make the sting of their accusing terminally ill eyes any less painful. NO MORE CHARITY GAMES FOR ME!!!

I don’t even know who we bowl this week. I assume we’ll either win or lose, but I do know this. It’s going to be fucking hot if we’re on any lanes past 17.

CARMAGEDDON USHERS IN NEW AGE OF LEARNING, WALLENDAS ON THE ROPES, OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE IT'S AWESOME AND SO ARE YOU

This weekend ushers in the biggest cultural event to hit Los Angeles since the King riots of 1992. Sure I know what you’re thinking “Harry Potter Opens Up”. Well that’s not it, Carmageddon approaches, at press time it is a scant few hours away. Angelenos are going apeshit bananas over this Carmageddon rigamarole. My local foodstore has been hit by looters and survivalists big time. I could barely find a jar of capers for my world famous spinach salad. Also due to the looting I’ve had to switch from my usual brand of stilton cheese to a lesser quality sharp cheddar. But we all make sacrifices in the name of progress.

If I may labor a point here on the construction over the weekend; LA would have you believe that the bridge they are re-building is just that; a rebuilt bridge. In fact it’s actually a bridge that will lead to the brand new “Bowling Wallendas Science of Bowling and Awesome Shit Center for the Blind and Everyone Else”. It’s going to be a 27 building campus totally devoted to awesome crap and the science of fucking shit up on the lanes. With a staff of 1200 dedicated educators the center, or as we have affectionately dubbed it “Awesome Knowledge-land”, is going to be the greatest and most comprehensive institute of learning ever built by man or aliens.

Some of the staff you’ll see at our campus:

Guest Lecturer Dynamite Chris Parish – How to leech off your teams’ success and still father a child. Enrollment for this lecture has already met capacity.

Guest lecturer Shot Boy Clint Tabon – Identify the El Presidente in your league. Enrollment for this lecture has already met capacity.

Guest Lecturer El Presidente- Fomenting corruption and propaganda among your peers. Lecture cancelled due to lack of interest. Seriously I didn’t even want to offer him a spot but Guv said it was “the right thing to do.”

Classes offered will range from the standard:

Strikes and you, a symbiotic relationship

Splits- Why they suck and how to avoid them

Spares- It’s like kissing your cousin but they get the job done

To the arcane:

The Star Wars Trilogy, why we pretend the prequels didn’t happen.

Harry Potter and how it enabled same sex marriage in Iowa

The Perfect Pasta sauce and world peace, it’s real and it’s happening now

The problem is though, that in the golden light of a new school opening the Wallendas are suffering through the worst season in their professional careers. This season started out with much promise; the re-building of the long dormant Wallendas farm system*, the introduction of shirts that both shame and praise player performance, and a renewed interest in beer has been slowly denigrating into a nightmare of epic proportions. I lose sleep daily at work over how to improve our lot in TNT. Sadly I think my only option is to either improve my game or let it sink so low that my handicap becomes a 110.

Personally I have faith the rest of the team can turn it around. Just this week we jumped four spots from 9^th to 5th. Team quiet man Adam “We May Have To Start Calling Him Brooklyn” Gard said:

                                                “Yeah right now we’re terrible and it’s kind of

                                                  all my fault. I just had to go to a wedding and

                                                  fishing trip. Maybe I should consider the team

                                                  more, because this whole “lone wolf” thing?

                                                  Yeah I don’t know about that.”

Other teams point out that we have been inconsistent. In fact four teams pointed it out to us via e-mail during the week. Attendees of TNT will note that those four teams were not present last night. TNT Propaganda Czar, and all around shady character, Tony “Il Padrino” Cortese would have you believe it’s due to Bayshore Lanes construction. I’m here to tell you the truth, those teams are dead. I’m not saying how they died all I’m saying is that if you see any members of those teams bowling they were replaced by automatons that I created out of cow shit and dreams.

Actually at a team meeting held late last night in the Australian Outback…. Steakhouse in Torrance** the team discussed many reasons why they may not be performing as well as they usually do. It all came down to handicap. TBW doesn’t have one, except for me of course. But how well would you bowl if you lost both your arms in a gator attack and were forced to bowl using a jerry-rigged system of twine and promises? Probably not as well as I do so BACK THE FUCK OFF MOTHERFUCKERS!!! But handicap has become an increasingly tense issue for the squad. Team beanstalk and snappy dresser Chris “Trashman” Jones offered this opinion:

“We face teams lately with 700, 1200,

and 13,000,000 pin handicaps. Sure we end

every game within 70 pins, but how in

the hell are we supposed to overcome that

defecit with only 10 frames? And me with

these old and outdated metal legs?”

What he says rings true. It seems as if the handicap debate has reached new heights of annoyance. Bowlers with subpar teams like El Presidente (pttueey***) and Il Padrino (a thousand curse on your family sir) are in favor of what has been dubbed the “Precious Snowflake” handicap system. Fervent John Birch  Society member and proud gun owner Heather “Doc, Doc, Goose” Krull put her two cents in:

“This system goes against the tenets of the

constitution and it’s downright communist.

What gets me most is I’m pretty sure they’ve

tied this bullshit handicap system somehow

into Obamacare. Fucking commies, always

 fornicating all over the bill of rights.

Fuck this I’m going duck hunting.”

When Adam told her he was pretty sure it isn’t duck season, Heather stared him down and called him a “giant pussy”. I personally saw Adam cry and when I pointed out that by crying he was pretty much proving her right he fucking karate chopped my neck and round house kicked me to the ground. Standing over me he then proclaimed:

                                                “Who’s the pussy now you bitch?!?!”

The karate chop to my throat hampered my ability to point out that getting suckered punched, while does go miles in making me a bitch, doesn’t really mean I’m a pussy.

The meeting fell apart amid squabbles, tipping discrepancies, and everyone wanting to eat the blooming onion**** but no one besides me wanting to pay for it. It’s no matter as Carmageddon approaches the team will be going into seclusion in our mountain top retreat. It’s the only place in the world that allows us the time and space to reach bowling zen. Maybe it’s because it’s 900 million square miles big and contains 4000 bowling alleys simulating all types of weather and sociological conditions. One alley is solely dedicated to what I like to call “The Glass Wall” effect. For 3 full games the rest of the lanes are filled with Glass Wall Clones (grown from his sweat and a pair of discarded suit pants he left in the men’s room) these clones duplicate the annoyance of bowling next to Glass Wall perfectly. Lesser bowlers have lost their minds in that room, TBW utilized that room extensively prior to their match-up and took 4 points from THWR. So we’ll prepare for our battle with Super Friends next week. For my part I’ll be spending the weekend learning how to bowl with a 30 frame boner. BDS backbone and prime client Hacksaw is loaning me some of the beautiful waitresses employed on the Hack-o-Whirl to entice me while I struggle to hit my incredibly low and ridiculous average of 135. Adam is going to watch 9000 hours of footage of every strike he’s ever made in a 72 hour span. Chris Jones has decided to remove one of his kidneys in order to give himself more mobility on his throw. He’ll do this on his own using nothing more than the power of his mind. Heather Krull is going to spend the weekend laying down some phat ass beats for her upcoming solo album “Thrill Killa”.

*Left dormant because former captain and all around jerk Heather “Doc” Krull didn’t have foresight enough to see that athletes age, even the good ones like me.

**Thanks for the use of the Hack-o-Whirl Hacksaw, we owe you. Or better yet I’ll just shave 3 hours off of my billable hours.

***That’s a spitting sound, I’ve decided to go all Eastern European and spit whenever EP’s (pttueey) name is mentioned.

****Yes at Outback it’s called a Bloomin Onion, Applebee’s has the Awesome Blossom. Don’t fuck with me son, I’ll take you down.