Holy Déjà vu!!! Can it be? Didn’t we see these two teams face each other not 6 weeks ago? Yes loyal reader you sure did. So just like the championship game be wherever you have to be earlier than you wanted to be, because the 405, 10, and 101 are going to be shut down around 2pm to accommodate the truckloads busloads of orphans and make-a-wish kids to watch the match.
If freeways are closed and unfortunate children are getting bussed in then it can only mean it’s:
The Bowling Wallendas and Backdoor Santa Match-up Week!!!
League scheduler realizing they could have an early season and late season ratings bonanza on their hands decided to book their regular season match earlier than last season.
“Get ‘em hooked early on I say. And What I say goes…”
That was the quote of the day from El Presidente and booking this early season match-up ranks as the least douchey thing he has ever done.
Let’s run down the teams:
Back Door Santa- Overall the team is struggling. But it’s only week 3 you say? Well their performance last week against Turkey Juice was nothing less than abysmal. Sports Guy (and mass-hole) Bill Simmons all ready suspects that BDS could suffer the same fate as last time they won the championship and won’t make it to the play-offs. Gene Shalit however thinks it’s just early season jitters and that Bridesmaids was FANTASTIC!
Shotboy- the heavy hitter, the go to guy. Mr. Soco himself. He changed up his pre-game ritual this season and that could hamper him in the strike department. Instead of having a little heuvos rancheros before the game he now insists on banging 14 cougars leading up to Thursday. Hey whatever works brother.
Powderkeg- Quite frankly I’m unimpressed. He spends more time chasing tail than focusing on his game and the only thing he has to show for it is repeat visits to planned parenthood the abortion multiplex.
Hacksaw- Now here’s the heart of this team. What he says goes and a little birdie told me he said “Win”.
Dynamite- What can you say about a guy who couldn’t pull his own weight if he had someone doing it for him. He means well but let’s face it, his bowling is dicier than a crackhead on a school night.
The Bowling Wallendas- They came out of the gate somewhat strong, they had to, this season looks to be the toughest scheduling they’ve ever faced. Their schedule is the 267th douchiest thing El Presidente has done. But they’re plucky, they’re determined, and they spend Thursdays blowing lines of coke, lifting weights, and gobbling up beta-blockers like they're peeps. They’ve got one mission this season, to win the whole fucking thing.
The Guv, Gard Dog- two of his games last week literally blew my pants off and exposed my chubby white thighs to the entire alley. The kid is good, nay great. He’s living proof that humans were meant to bowl and fuck and that’s pretty much it.
Trashman, Brooklyn- This kid is hungrier than the Ethiopians were in ’86. He wants top spot on the team and he’s making a strong play. He’s been breathing down Adam’s neck since the middle of last season and Adam kind of wishes he would stop, mostly cause it tickles.
Doc- She’s an enigma. Her unorthodox throwing style has been mimicked by everyone from Fergie to Jesus but she knocks over pins. She’s also the world’s foremost expert on Chuck Norris movies. Don’t get her started on Invasion America, she will jaw all night long.
The Count- Wow, talk about polishing a turd. His style is awful, his handicap his huge, and he never fucking tips. But people claim to have been healed by the site of him humping ball returns so he keeps up the façade of being a bowler. Mostly to get tail and seahorse eggs.
Over all it’s anyone’s game. I’ve got my money on TBW* but then again they’re my teammates.
*I reported earlier BDS but I was thinking about boobies, pardon the mistake.
*I reported earlier BDS but I was thinking about boobies, pardon the mistake.
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