TNT Summer League has begun in earnest. Captains arrived early to meet with league secretary and man of respect Tony “Il Padrino” Cortese. In what will go on record as the longest captain’s meeting in TNT history justice was hijacked once again. Here’s a rundown of the meetings highlights:
1- Shotboy, under advice of legal counsel, did not note his presence. His lawyer and snappy dresser did that for him.
2- El Presidente showed up considerably late flaunting food from the Bayshore Lane’s new high tech automatic kitchen.
3- Il Padrino proceeded to “eat El Presidente’s pickle” with a fervor that I haven’t seen since the third scene in “We Swallow #7”*
4- Il Padrino tried to quickly move past the officers nominations. I tried nominating Mr. Pants Ira for president. It was met with derision from both EP and Cortese.
5- One new captain, who shall remain nameless, showing extreme courage and bravery proclaimed his real reasons for the captaincy. The utter incompetence of the previous team captain who has brought one of the most storied and the most dynamic team in TNT history to the brink of financial ruin through complete mismanagement.
6- We’re still waiting on test results but every female at the meeting was shuttled to Planned Parenthood after Thursday games for pregnancy tests. It’s a known fact that I possess a machismo and virility that the Mayans predicted as “The 5th Sun”. If any of these ladies does get pregnant, and they will, and they choose to see it to term I will do my duty and provide support. It’s only fair. I will not however be a part of the child’s life. They’re bastards, it’s as simple as that.
After the 63 hour meeting TNT’ers were forced to wait an additional 87 minutes before we were even able to practice bowl. But finally the season had started.
When taking over the captaincy I tasked my team with one goal- WIN AT ALL COSTS.
It seems they got the memo. Adam Gard went to Red Lobster and demanded they start a spring festival called Strike-Fest with all you can eat steak. Officials at Red Lobster, or the ‘Ster as we call it, tried explaining that their restaurant is “for the seafood lover in you”. It fell on deaf ears, Gard continued making the demand and when workers tried to get him to leave he simply decided to buy the entire chain of stores. He plans to turn each one into a local Hall of Fame to his bowling greatness. Economists and analysts believe they will turn a profit within minutes of re-opening.
Chris “trashman” Jones kept up his assault on bowling pins. Scientists recently attached microphones and electrodes to the pins. It’s now proven when Jonesy rolls, pins collective shit themselves then scream upon impact. PETA protests are expected next week. Jones isn’t worried, “I just bought a gun two weeks ago and I’ve got the twitches” was his only comment.
Heather Krull took a break from the studio; where she is recording her debut hip-hop album “Bitches be Trippin’”, to throw some balls at pins. She started off slow but when I pulled my zipper down to show her who she’d be blowing if she didn’t improve. That did the trick and she ended up pretty strong for all three days.
As for myself, I’m a fucking pro. I come to roll every Thursday. I skipped out on two depositions yesterday in order get myself ready for the evening. I’ll probably lose that case but I just sold some oil futures so I’m good until Labor Day. Things were going great; I’m working on refining my throw and getting even better than I already am…which I admit is a lot. I ended strong in game 1, did my customary game 2 bed shitting, and started strong in game 3. That’s when tragedy struck. While trying to replace some crystal meth in my bowling bag Chris Jones, a teammate and dear friend, kicked me over. It seems The Trashman and the rest of the team had taken umbrage with a motivational e-mail I sent to them earlier in the day. The e-mail highlighted their strengths (me) and their weaknesses (their ability to settle for second place or as I call it “The Fucking Your Sister Award”). I outlined my recipe for success (stop sucking) and pointed out how they could improve (turning the suck knob way down). Well some people don’t take criticism very well and my team is an example of that. One e-mail was all it took to get them going for a possible coup d’état. Chris saw his opening and knocked me to the ground, I landed on an already injured knee and exacerbated the injury. My game three never recovered. Around frame 7 Trashman started feeling bad and was heard to say “I broke Kevin.” I don’t hold a grudge though and all is forgiven, now I can look into cybernetics. After the games Chris made it up to me by allowing me to play with the bulldog he is babysitting, the inappropriately named “Banksey”. What a scamp of a pup.
Wallendas finished the night off 3-1. Our goal this season is to be beat motherfuckers down.
*I highly recommend this movie but don’t go and watch that one, you’ll need to see 1-6 or the story will be lost on you
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