After a disastrous stint advising the Los Angeles Lakers, The Bowling Wallendas are back and ready to roll. Their heartbreaking loss to Backdoor Santa was a wake-up call to Adam Gard who, when asked what he intends to do this season replied “Strike this motherfucker out.” When asked what he was talking about he shook his head and said “time to make the donuts motherfucker.” The second quote was enough for some in the “liberally biased” media to assume he has had some sort of schizophrenic break but as all Wallendas know he’s often been given to saying cryptic things. Chris Jones says it’s part of Adam’s charm.
Speaking of Chris Jones he’s decided to dedicate this entire season to Sri Lankan orphans because he thinks their situation is “sad and shit, now buzz off I’m trying to find someone to mug.” It should be noted that while Mr. Jones does involve himself in petty larceny he only does it because “it’s such a fucking rush man.” He typically returns everything he stole from his victims; unless of course they have “some tasty ass shit”. His words not mine.
There was a bit of worry this week in TBW training camp as former team captain and Olympic gymnast Heather Krull vanished for days on end. This led to speculation that she had once again fallen under the sway of the “Children of God” cult. There was a two-year period 2003-2005 when Heather dropped out and lived with the cult until a crack squad led by Adam “Yeah I got nunchuks, whatchoo got?” Gard rescued her and she was deprogrammed. When Heather vanished this week the entire team and their spiritual advisor Tony Robbins went into action mode; running down leads, breaking fingers, and trashing hotel rooms to find her.
All’s well that ends well. Turns out Heather was just in South Dakota doing peyote and “tripping her fucking balls off, getting all Phil Jackson-y”.
As the new team captain I only have this to say about the upcoming season:
“GET OFF MY FUCKING LAWN!!!”
There has been some talk that there will be a coup in the captain’s meeting tonight. Someone only referring to themselves as “El Presidente Numero Dos” has been sending cryptic messages to various members of the TNT league warning them to come late to the meeting as “Much blood will be shed” and “El Presidente’s days are numbered like the pages of a short book.”
After a 36 hour conference call between Team BDS and TBW it was decided that, while El Presidente has been the most corrupt leader in the history of man, not even he deserves a violent end. Arguments for and against were debated at length. Hacksaw at one point destroyed a Van Gogh he purchased, “For a song”, to demonstrate what he would do to anyone trying to hurt EP. However the point was lost as it wasn’t a video conference but he did describe his actions in much detail and all on the call agreed that, were it to have been seen it would have been a most awesome display of emotion and integrity.
After the call Adam Gard and Nick Lyons working with the joint chiefs of staff kidnapped EP, for his own good, and will deliver him to the lanes tonight. Dynamite is using a bomb sniffing dog to clear the meeting room and I personally will be making sure Shotboy arrives safely.
No one is sure who El Presidente Numero Dos is but based on the accent in the voicemails I believe it to be one Joey Fistpump. Of course as Jones loves to point out “Meister you always think it’s Joey Fistpump.”
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