After last week’s disappointing 3-1 win against the Misfits I decided we needed a new formula. So I hunkered down in the lab and tried to get to the root of it. Here’s what I’ve learned:
1- My team no longer responds to being told they’ll have to blow me if I bowl better than them. While I appreciate the upswing of non-committal blowjobs, I’d rather see more “W’s” in the column.
2- As my team gets drunker their skills slacken off. This is not good at all.
3- I spend way too much of my time focusing on all things Wallendas.
As you can see these are the questions that have plagued man forever. They are the Gordian knots of human philosophy and not easily answerable…by anyone who isn’t nearly as fucking awesome as I am. I kid you not when I say it took me about 15-20 minutes to come up with an answer. So I was able to free up enough time to head over to the theater and check out Bridesmaids. But when I got to the theater I remembered I have a penis so I killed a drifter instead. So answers to questions-
1- My team no longer fear blowing me: Then I have to get them to fear something else. At first I thought public blow jobs but certain puritanical blue laws will cause me fear and I don’t like being scared. So then I went on to shame and I looked back at my time as a youngster and remembered when I got in trouble I would have to stand in the hall. While I can’t make a teammate stand outside bayshore lanes I can make them wear the modern day dunce cap. So beginning tonight if you see a Wallenda wearing a different t-shirt than usual ask them why they’re wearing said shirt. If they fail to answer you then please let me know so I can have them flogged.
2- I’ll come back to this one cause it gets fucking complicated, and El Presidente got involved.
3- I spend too much time worrying about the Wallendas: FUCK THAT NOISE. I realized I don’t spend enough time worrying about these losers under my charge. If I did worry more maybe we wouldn’t have dropped one game to the Misfits. A team name that sounds more like a competitor’s band in a mid- to late 80’s girls cartoon. So to that end I’ve established @wallendasbowl on twitter. Up to date information, real time as it fucking happens. All Wallendas all the fucking time assholes. We’re going to merchandise the fuck out of this squad. That means interviews, autograph signings, car dealership sale openings, and bar (and bat) mitzvahs.
Okay so back to question 2. I, myself, have also been guilty of imbibing too much magic juice. I thought maybe we should it ban it but just the right amount of magic juice and you bowl like a fucking god, you go one step over that limit though and you run the risk of starring in the donkey show in TJ. I needed answers and I needed them quick. I won’t reveal my secrets because…well…do your own fucking research. But I went mad deep into the annals (hee hee) of history. My answer lied not with medieval Europe, or even Ancient Rome; no my answers lied with the sages who gave us bowling in the first place. I don’t have everything firmed up completely but I am on the verge of a discovery so fucking big it’ll make the polio vaccine look like a bad shot at a Cabo Cantina happy hour. I’m serious this will blow your fucking socks off. The problem is with something this big it’s only a matter of time before the politicos want a taste and wouldn’t you know it, El Presidente and his thugs are all over my ass to give away my research. “We just want to wet our beaks” he tells me. So I told him to go climb a tree. His response to my denial was to label my research of magic juice witchcraft and call for a public stoning. The whole trial was a farce of epic proportions; it was like Kramer's case against Sue Ellen Mischke, totally without merit. I razzle dazzled the tribunal with some legal crap I picked up from seeing every episode of Law & Order, in the end my magic juice investigation was labelled "harmless to others." I However was remanded to the UCLA Psyche Ward for 48hrs...and released. So yet falls another of loco El Presidente's ploys, this guy is worse than Doctor Claw at hatching plots. What the fuck is wrong with him? Calls me a witch, kidnaps Shotboy, and voted for Prop 8. Next thing is he’ll tell us to wear underwear on the outside of our pants. I mean he has really fucking lost it.
So that was my week. What did you do? Spend time with the family? Read a book? Practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty? Pussies.
This week is going to be a weird one. Split it and Quit it can be a tough team to beat, they’re always a tough team to bowl against because they are the undisputed 2nd placers of head games. The first being That’s How We Make Bowling Less Fun For Everyone in the League. But more than that SIQI are bowling against a Wallendas divided; deposed former captain Heather “Love me some Ho-Jo’s” Krull decided to force contract negotiations early and is in an undisclosed location, refusing to roll tonight. I can't count on her lousy blind score so I brought in hired gun, and singer/songwriter, Ryan “I’ll Fuck You Up” Adams*. Ryan is eager to show TNT he has the chops to destroy hobos in the street and to prep he said he’s been “lifting weights and blowing lines off of hookers’ asses all fucking week.” The man is dedicated to his craft. Your move Doctor.
When asked Adam "The Guv" about Heather's insanely audacious move he was heard to say:
“What is she high? Meister’s totally serious about
replacing all of us with chimpanzees if he has to.
Although I'd kind of like to see chimps bowl, I like
my team. Make sure you tell him I said that.”
Team giant Chris Jones had a different take on the debacle:
“I admire her. If I wasn’t so worried about
my free agency prospects I’d walk too. But
wife says I can’t. I’ll talk to you later I’m
going to wrestle some more with this
bulldog I’m dog-sitting.”
Jones then went on to annihilate Meister in yet another Words with Friends match.
For her part Doctor Krull had this to say:
“Meister is insane. I am not refusing to
play, I AM TRAVELLING FOR WORK!!! My
god he takes this stuff so personally.”
Nice try Heather, I’m not buying it.
Despite their differences of opinion the Trashman and Gard Dawg** are all in for tonight. I expect great things from them. I’m taking copious notes. Maybe the power has gone to my head, maybe I just want to produce a winner. But Edison didn’t invent the automobile without breaking some eggs. What’s that? Edison didn’t invent the automobile and cars don't use eggs for anything? Go fuck yourself nerd I’m bowling for pussy.
Meister Out!
*No relation to Debbie Harry, seriously don’t ask he’ll mess you up
**Yeah I’m not thrilled with it either.
Not Gard Dawg - that's ridiculous. Are you a rapper? Its Gard Dog.
ReplyDeleteNo I don't like that at all.
ReplyDelete