Trust me this is a still of KO with Lauer
While I came up with the idea for the golden bowler design it took another, with mad skillz*, to truly bring it to life. He only goes by KO as his identity must be kept secret for reasons I’ll go into in a minute. KO is, aside from me, the only surviving team member from the golden bowler design. I know I’ve pretty much eliminated everyone else who participated in its creation but I just couldn’t do that to KO. His ability to make real what was in my skull and improve on it is a mark of true genius. To that end I am posting excerpts of his Today Show interview that sadly will never be broadcast**. I wish I could post the entire interview but it was actually 72 hours in length. If you want to read it in its entirety then you should visit the national archives:
Isn't it glorious?
Matt Lauer- By now I’m sure you’ve already seen or heard about this magnificent design sweeping the world. It started as a pick-me-up for the most dynamic, show-stopping, electrifying bowling teams in history that has since fallen on some tough times. Well today we’re going to speak with the artist who created the design and find out more about him and his work. With me now is NAME REDACTED and he’s ready to tell his story. So NAME REDACTED, when did you come up with this design?
KO- Actually Matt, can I call you Matt? (Lauer nods) I didn’t come up with the design itself. Rather Meister, the greatest captain in bowling history, came up with the idea and asked if I could hone it, make it better. Initially I was a little worried because it’s a truly radical design. But the more I stared at his rather crude designs the more it spoke to me. I went from not wanting to anything to do with the drawing to not wanting to be more than 5 feet away from it at a time.
ML- Really? So you took it with you everywhere you went?
KO- I still do as a matter of fact. I had it tattooed on my chest upside down so at times during the day I can just pull my shirt up and stare at it’s beauty.
ML- That’s interesting you say that. Did you know in one week that this has become the most tattooed design in the history of mankind. With a number of people placing it on their body just like you, upside down?
KO- I didn’t know that but it makes sense. Someone said when they saw the design that it taps into something primordial and base. We don’t know what it’s trying to tell us but we want to listen all the same. You should get a tattoo of it.
ML- (lifts shirt reveals upside down Golden Bowler design) I’m a step ahead of you. Now it hasn’t all been a rosy ride since the shirt was unveiled at the Hague last week has it?
KO- No it hasn’t actually, it turns out the North Koreans are up in arms about the design because Kim Jong Il says he designed it and now he wants me dead.
ML- That’s scary. Have the Wallendas offered to help you?
KO- Oh yeah they’ve all been really great. Adam is a trained ninja you know and even runs a ninja school using the orphans of the people he’s killed as students. He’s loaned me 35 7th year students to be my around the clock guard. Plus Kevin sent Kim Jong a letter indicating that If anything happens to me then the Trashman is going to put a hurt on Pyongyang. So it should cool off.
A proud Wallenda displays the shirt.
**Later during the cooking segment Matt Lauer asks guest chef Emeril Lagasse to leave so that he and KO can cook up something good**
ML- And if we add just the right amount of wood grain alcohol you’ve got a perfect punch?
KO- This is guaranteed to get you some tail Matt.
ML- Ha ha, I’ve never really had a problem with that I’m Matt Lauer.
KO- hey sometimes we all need a little help (turns to the window audience) Am I right? (A woman holding a sign saying “Kevin Call Me, I’m Late” cheers KO on)
**Later still somewhere around hour 18. Lauer at this point is visibly drunk**
ML- Judy Tenuta, Katie Couric, Hillary Clinton. You gotta fuck one, kill one, and marry one…GO!!!
KO- I’m not really comfortable with…
ML- I could kiss you.
***Even Later still***
KO- And that’s the first time I climbed Everest.
ML- Wow, and you were able to get the medicine to the village in time to save Chim Chim?
KO- Well Matt you may know Chim Chim better under his stage name, Neil Patrick Harris.
ML- HOLY FUCK!!!
***Finally against his wishes Lauer is forced to wrap up the interview because KO has to get to the negotiating table with NFL Team Owners and the Players Union***
ML- So what’s next for NAME REDACTED?
KO- Well I’ve already made 75 billion dollars off of my cut so I figure I can take a couple weeks off. I’m going to do some fishing in Montana and then I want to build a boat out of boba fett action figures and sail around the world. I already have a commission from the Met here in town to totally re-design all the artwork hanging in its hallowed halls, but that doesn’t start until August. So right now I’m not doing anything; but I’m always designing right here (points to head) and here (places hand over heart).
ML- That was mad fucking poignant. I have tears in my eyes and a new found respect for life. Thank you for your time, I wish you all the best of luck.
KO- Suck it Lauer.
And that’s all she wrote folks. Much love to KO for the kick ass design. He, just like it, will go down in the annals of history as pure genius.
*The "z" denotes how truly mad those skills are.
**Sadly we cannot print his full name or show his face because the amount of women the design has impregnated would file multiple paternity suits. I’ll allow Hacksaw and BDS to help me stave off any gold diggers.
No comments:
Post a Comment