Holy shit did we get beat. Back Door Santa should change their names to the clock cleaners cause that’s what they did to us. Seriously we got beat like a wife who didn’t have dinner ready. We sucked more than a whore at the world cup. We were Mark Wahlberg’s lion to Will Ferrell’s tuna in “The Other Guys’. They devoured us. I know what your next question is going to be, “Count, how in the hell do you consider this a good thing?”
Because we learned. Every one of my teammates and I learned something from the debacle that was our Back Door Santa rematch.
Chris “The Trashman from Crooklyn” Jones learned that dudes crying is not cool, it just isn’t. He also learned that he needs more consistency. That throwing the ball well 7 out of 10 frames isn’t going to cut it like it did last season.
I'll pose and act like it doesn't bother me, just like never getting hugs from my parents. PUSSY
Adam “The Guv GardDog” Gard learned that if he wants to be the be the man then he needs to fucking beat the man…WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!* He learned that just because he bowled well last season that this season there is more on the line then him and Swerski averaging 3 two hundred games between them.
Maybe if I look nonchalant no one will think I suck. WRONG!!!
Heather “Doc” Krull learned that she isn’t the best female bowler in the league. In fact she’s like near the bottom. So we’ve finally convinced her to ditch the Major League II Pedro Cerrano act, you know when he went all new-agey, and start killing some live fucking chickens leading up to Thursdays. She flushed all her fucking peyote and hash down the neighbors toilet and is starting this week fresh, no hallucinations.
I'm terrible really, if I were any worse you would think I was a nazi.
Me, what did I learn? I learned it takes more than heart to shape a team into one of the finest teams in history. A team, that in my opinion, is more ragtag than the A-Team ever was. It takes pain, it requires determination, and most of all it demands degradation.** To that end the first real use of the dreaded “I Suck At Bowling” shirt made its appearance. Not one team member wore it in consecutive games. It was as if their fellow league members seeing how fucking pathetic they look and how much they suck at bowling drove them to new heights.
Obviously if you’ve gotten this far you’ve seen those boneheads wearing the shirt. At first they think it’s funny and they get a laugh. Then they realize no one at Bayshore is laughing with them only at them and their demenaor changes, they get angry. Luckily they don’t get all stabby/shooty and instead channel that anger and humiliation into some pretty nice bowling. But they’ve got to…nay they need to do better. That’s why we went to the cemetery at midnight on Friday night. We all trekked to that creepy cemetery on Venice Blvd. on your way downtown, you know the one, and I let them know in no uncertain terms “If you blow this season for me I will have you each shot execution style and throw your body on the side of the road.”
We probably didn’t need to go to the cemetery for me to get that point across but I also wanted to have a séance and see if we could raise ourselves up a zombie. No such luck because someone, me, forgot to bring the necronomicon. Sue me I'm using it to keep a table level.
This week we bowl against Turkey Hunters. They’ve been talking some serious trash at the lanes about how badly they intend to beat us. FUCK. THAT. NOISE. In the words of the Doobie Brothers we’ll be “Taking it to the Streets” but insert "lanes" for "streets" and you get the point. I'll be in their heads worse than Wishing Well by Terrence Trent D'arby, yeah it's stuck in there good now isn't it bitches?
Next week's post will be about how fucking amazing we were.
*If you get the chance, go drinking with Flair. He pays for everything and he is fucking hysterical.
**That’s a little alliteration you fucking pussies
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