I am just about set to unveil the design for The Bowling Wallendas Golden Bowler award. It’s been three years in the making and finally it is complete. It’s going to turn heads, cure the sick and infirm, and if used correctly can bring about world peace. Those are some pretty lofty goals for a simple t-shirt design you say? Fuck you I say. You haven’t seen it. It’s fucking glorious; it’s a master work of bowling design. It is to bowling awards as penicillin is to infections. Like, if I took it to LACMA and hung it in the bathroom it would be the most visited bathroom on 6 continents*.
I’m really not set to unveil the design until Thursday night, so no sneak-peaksies. Plus I’d rather not jinx it as it’s being flown over from the Vatican on Air Force 1, where Benedict himself was getting blessed by the design. Once it lands in LA it’ll be taken, under S.W.A.T. and S.E.A.L. team guard, directly to Bayshore Lanes. Once there it will be guarded by genetically modified Ligers until such time as I arrive, ritually kill the Ligers, eat their hearts to absorb their abilities, and remove it from the bunker.
What bunker? Did you notice that there is no A/C at Bayshore? That’s kind of my fault. You see I knew a couple years ago that I would need to safehouse the shirt for a mere 2 hours at Bayshore and one of those namby pamby lockers wouldn’t due. So I designed a bunker that sits 280ft below the lanes, but it's existence makes A/C there impossible. Here are some bunker fun facts:
- 80ft below ground it is surrounded on all sides by 65miles of concrete made from human remains and grit.
- Construction of the bunker caused the collapse of the Greek, Irish, Portugese, and soon France’s economies.
- The movie Footloose foretold the creation of this bunker.
- The movie Jack Goes Boating is based on the bunker’s construction
- Lady Gaga’s song “Born This Way” has nothing to do with the bunker, and I’d like to keep it that way
- Once the shirt is removed the bunker will be destroyed.
- 1,436 people lost their lives during the construction of the bunker
- 55 of those deaths were due to a cave-in caused by a man named “Jordan”.
- The bunker can withstand the combined might of the US and Russian nuclear arsenal
- Everyone who worked on the bunker and survived made a pact to blind themselves and cut out their tongues so they could never pass along it’s secrets.
- One construction worker wanted to start calling the bunker “Archie” in homage to “All in the Family”, he is dead.
There is also another shirt being unveiled Thursday night. It too has the power to destroy nations but it won’t be as sought after because this shirt will be made from regular cotton fibers; not moon rock, like the Golden Bowler shirt, moon rock spun so tightly it feels like the lightest gossamer. Honestly it's like angels hugging you constantly.
Make sure to stop by the Wallendas on Thursday to see what’s new with them. Don't forget to wear your big boy pants.
*I say six because there are only like 2 bathrooms on Antarctica and I hear they get tons of foot traffic.
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