Worldwide riots, rivaling the Arab Spring have erupted since the announcement that the Wallendas have seceded and formed their own country. My apartment alone was flooded with 340,000 refugees of various nationalities seeking political asylum. It’s estimated that all territories belonging to Wallendas have collectively processed some 1.4 million displaced persons hoping to become citizens of Wallendia. Let me say it hear folks, we don’t want your stinky tired, dirty, and poor. We’re making mad duckets on endorsements and don’t have any need for immigrants.*
This has been an insane week. The Guv is still abroad trying to hunt down jackelopes (the kid swears they’re real) so we needed a sub. I’ve exhausted my resources so I turned to a fellow captain with the initials MB. She promised me one of her rising stars from the Honey Badger DGAS farm system. When following up earlier to reach a mutually beneficial agreement as to this particular player’s use I was rudely informed by MB:
“They’re subbing for me folio. Did you honestly think
I would give you one of my rising stars? I oughtta
toss a Chinese throwing star in your honky eye. Man
You are one dumb Midwestern hick.”
Those are the kinds words that hurt. When I asked her where all the hostility was coming from I was greeted with this non-sensical response:
“I’m Korean, I eat puppies for breakfast. How do you
like those apples?”
I seriously have no idea what she meant with that? Whatever I’m turning the other cheek and killing her with kindness. Did I mention what a fantastic human being she is?
So that part of the week sucked, then it got even worse for the Wallendas. We bowled a man down last week and won the first game. Going on to lose the next two games and the pin count at the end. Well I took a gander at the league results and WE GOT FUCKING SCREWED!!! That El president is one sneaky keed. He waited until it was too late to do anything and look what happens, twice this season we get fucked out of points. Well points don’t matter, because true Wallendas fans (and we don’t have any band-wagoners cause well, fuck that noise that’s why) know we’ll bounce back. Once all the hoopla gets cleared and my moron squad realizes showing up for games is more important than anything else in the world then we’ll stick it to El Presidente and his little dog too. The guy has become such a fucking thorn in my side I’m seriously considering violating UN law and having him killed.
Returning to the fray tonight is The Trashman who has relapsed into a pretty intense and scary huffing addiction. He says he can quit anytime. I say who gives a shit if he rolls strikes? Huffing doesn’t disqualify him according to league by-laws so huff away big man, huff away.
Heather Krull violated the sanctity of The Deadly Jaguar Award last week cause she was a hammered mess. If she tries that shit tonight she understands she’ll be getting a grade “A” class one throat punch from yours truly.
Tonight we’ve got a surging Spare Parts team. I’m not worried last season I got in their heads and that’s where I stayed all night long. I’m pretty sure after the matches those three chicks went home with damper panties than they showed up with. Hey ladies, you’re welcome…it’s what I do. So tonight it’s back to operation “Cream Jeans”. I’m confident we’ll demolish them.
*This editorial was finished and ready for publish but since this statement Wallendia has granted legal residency to 600,000 persons around the globe. Mostly women, definitely nurses.
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