In a few short hours the design that will make or break the Wallendas season will be unveiled. It’s been a tough few years keeping this bad boy under wraps until the perfect time. El Presidente himself has tried one last ditch effort to get a glimpse, and therefore the secrets, of the Wallendas Golden Bowler award. In his most recent attempt he sent three thugs to find the bunker’s entrance. They found the entrance of course but they also found a defensive system based on biometrics. So in honor of El Presidente’s latest blunder here are some more Bunker Fun Facts:
- To get to the bunker one must traverse 35 miles of underground tunnels
- Travel is managed with a gold gilded, solo seat, monorail operating under top secret super conductor technology.
- Security is biometric and the defenses are only programmed to accept two people; myself and the adjutant who will be placing the shirt in the bunker right about now.
- The adjutant position is a suicide mission as once he locks the shirt in the bunker the defenses will no longer recognize his biometric pattern and kill him with a rail gun.
- About 6:30pm the bunker will self-destruct. All the computers will melt down and the tunnels will fill with excess grain that could be used to feed the poor. Fuck the poor.
The thing is there are a couple people in this world I’ve entrusted the secrets of the design to. People I know who would kill their mother before they reveal the secrets of it. Why would I tell these non-bowlers and keep my team in the dark? Well my team would want to put in their input but they have zero taste. Here’s some random samplings of what they said when viewing the design for the first time:
“Breath-taking, absolutely breathtaking.”
“I feel like this is something that we’ve always had in our collective subconscious but couldn’t express. You’re unleashing it’s raw dog nastiness for the entire world to experience.”
“If you broadcast this design simultaneously across the globe half the world would just plain freak out and the rest of us would simply lose our shit completely.”
“Remember that time we were talking about Jesus and Fergie and just quoting the Good Guys? This design is like that except it gives me a firmer boner.”
“I have no idea what the word ‘Zeitgeist’ means, but I’m pretty sure this defines it.”
The nuns who wove the shirt out of finely spun moon rock committed a group suicide this morning after renouncing their vows of chastity and realizing the shirt would never come back to them.
18 of the SWAT and Seal team members assigned to guard the shirt have attempted to use the shirt to fuel their masturbatory fantasies.
No one knows how the Wallendas will react to such an awesome and beautiful display of man committing his eternal struggle with nature to paper but all signs point to kicking ass.
So if around 6:30pm you feel the earth shake, well that’s just every girl at TNT Bowling orgasming at once. And that dear readers, is how I do.
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