Wallendas Begin March to Victory, Meister Taken Out in His Prime, Il Padrino up to his old tricks!!!

TNT Summer League has begun in earnest. Captains arrived early to meet with league secretary and man of respect Tony “Il Padrino” Cortese. In what will go on record as the longest captain’s meeting in TNT history justice was hijacked once again. Here’s a rundown of the meetings highlights:

1-      Shotboy, under advice of legal counsel, did not note his presence. His lawyer and snappy dresser did that for him.

2-      El Presidente showed up considerably late flaunting food from the Bayshore Lane’s new high tech automatic kitchen.

3-      Il Padrino proceeded to “eat El Presidente’s pickle” with a fervor that I haven’t seen since the third scene in “We Swallow #7”*

4-      Il Padrino tried to quickly move past the officers nominations. I tried nominating Mr. Pants Ira for president. It was met with derision from both EP and Cortese.

5-      One new captain, who shall remain nameless, showing extreme courage and bravery proclaimed his real reasons for the captaincy. The utter incompetence of the previous team captain who has brought one of the most storied and the most dynamic team in TNT history to the brink of financial ruin through complete mismanagement.

6-      We’re still waiting on test results but every female at the meeting was shuttled to Planned Parenthood after Thursday games for pregnancy tests. It’s a known fact that I possess a machismo and virility that the Mayans predicted as “The 5^th Sun”. If any of these ladies does get pregnant, and they will, and they choose to see it to term I will do my duty and provide support. It’s only fair. I will not however be a part of the child’s life. They’re bastards, it’s as simple as that.

After the 63 hour meeting TNT’ers were forced to wait an additional 87 minutes before we were even able to practice bowl. But finally the season had started.

When taking over the captaincy I tasked my team with one goal- WIN AT ALL COSTS.

It seems they got the memo. Adam Gard went to Red Lobster and demanded they start a spring festival called Strike-Fest with all you can eat steak. Officials at Red Lobster, or the ‘Ster as we call it, tried explaining that their restaurant is “for the seafood lover in you”. It fell on deaf ears, Gard continued making the demand and when workers tried to get him to leave he simply decided to buy the entire chain of stores. He plans to turn each one into a local Hall of Fame to his bowling greatness. Economists and analysts believe they will turn a profit within minutes of re-opening.

Chris “trashman” Jones kept up his assault on bowling pins. Scientists recently attached microphones and electrodes to the pins. It’s now proven when Jonesy rolls, pins collective shit themselves then scream upon impact. PETA protests are expected next week. Jones isn’t worried, “I just bought a gun two weeks ago and I’ve got the twitches” was his only comment.

Heather Krull took a break from the studio; where she is recording her debut hip-hop album “Bitches be Trippin’”, to throw some balls at pins. She started off slow but when I pulled my zipper down to show her who she’d be blowing if she didn’t improve. That did the trick and she ended up pretty strong for all three days.

As for myself, I’m a fucking pro. I come to roll every Thursday. I skipped out on two depositions yesterday in order get myself ready for the evening. I’ll probably lose that case but I just sold some oil futures so I’m good until Labor Day. Things were going great; I’m working on refining my throw and getting even better than I already am…which I admit is a lot. I ended strong in game 1, did my customary game 2 bed shitting, and started strong in game 3. That’s when tragedy struck. While trying to replace some crystal meth in my bowling bag Chris Jones, a teammate and dear friend, kicked me over. It seems The Trashman and the rest of the team had taken umbrage with a motivational e-mail I sent to them earlier in the day. The e-mail highlighted their strengths (me) and their weaknesses (their ability to settle for second place or as I call it “The Fucking Your Sister Award”). I outlined my recipe for success (stop sucking) and pointed out how they could improve (turning the suck knob way down). Well some people don’t take criticism very well and my team is an example of that. One e-mail was all it took to get them going for a possible coup d’état. Chris saw his opening and knocked me to the ground, I landed on an already injured knee and exacerbated the injury. My game three never recovered. Around frame 7 Trashman started feeling bad and was heard to say “I broke Kevin.” I don’t hold a grudge though and all is forgiven, now I can look into cybernetics. After the games Chris made it up to me by allowing me to play with the bulldog he is babysitting, the inappropriately named “Banksey”. What a scamp of a pup.

Wallendas finished the night off 3-1. Our goal this season is to be beat motherfuckers down.

*I highly recommend this movie but don’t go and watch that one, you’ll need to see 1-6 or the story will be lost on you

Where's Heather? Wallendas ready to Bowl, and El Presidente Threatened!!!

After a disastrous stint advising the Los Angeles Lakers, The Bowling Wallendas are back and ready to roll. Their heartbreaking loss to Backdoor Santa was a wake-up call to Adam Gard who, when asked what he intends to do this season replied “Strike this motherfucker out.” When asked what he was talking about he shook his head and said “time to make the donuts motherfucker.”  The second quote was enough for some in the “liberally biased” media to assume he has had some sort of schizophrenic break but as all Wallendas know he’s often been given to saying cryptic things. Chris Jones says it’s part of Adam’s charm.

Speaking of Chris Jones he’s decided to dedicate this entire season to Sri Lankan orphans because he thinks their situation is “sad and shit, now buzz off I’m trying to find someone to mug.” It should be noted that while Mr. Jones does involve himself in petty larceny he only does it because “it’s such a fucking rush man.” He typically returns everything he stole from his victims; unless of course they have “some tasty ass shit”. His words not mine.

There was a bit of worry this week in TBW training camp as former team captain and Olympic gymnast Heather Krull vanished for days on end. This led to speculation that she had once again fallen under the sway of the “Children of God” cult. There was a two-year period 2003-2005 when Heather dropped out and lived with the cult until a crack squad led by Adam “Yeah I got nunchuks, whatchoo got?” Gard rescued her and she was deprogrammed. When Heather vanished this week the entire team and their spiritual advisor Tony Robbins went into action mode; running down leads, breaking fingers,  and trashing hotel rooms to find her.

All’s well that ends well. Turns out Heather was just in South Dakota doing peyote and “tripping her fucking balls off, getting all Phil Jackson-y”.

As the new team captain I only have this to say about the upcoming season:

                                “GET OFF MY FUCKING LAWN!!!”

There has been some talk that there will be a coup in the captain’s meeting tonight. Someone only referring to themselves as “El Presidente Numero Dos” has been sending cryptic messages to various members of the TNT league warning them to come late to the meeting as “Much blood will be shed” and “El Presidente’s days are numbered like the pages of a short book.”

After a 36 hour conference call between Team BDS and TBW it was decided that, while El Presidente has been the most corrupt leader in the history of man, not even he deserves a violent end. Arguments for and against were debated at length. Hacksaw at one point destroyed a Van Gogh he purchased, “For a song”, to demonstrate what he would do to anyone trying to hurt EP. However the point was lost as it wasn’t a video conference but he did describe his actions in much detail and all on the call agreed that, were it to have been seen it would have been a most awesome display of emotion and integrity.

After the call Adam Gard and Nick Lyons working with the joint chiefs of staff kidnapped EP, for his own good, and will deliver him to the lanes tonight. Dynamite is using a bomb sniffing dog to clear the meeting room and I personally will be making sure Shotboy arrives safely.

No one is sure who El Presidente Numero Dos is but based on the accent in the voicemails I believe it to be one Joey Fistpump. Of course as Jones loves to point out “Meister you always think it’s Joey Fistpump.”

WTF!?!?!?!???!

Dateline Sunday Night-

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?! This is some kind of sick joke perpetrated on the American people and the world as a whole. Heather Krull announced Sunday evening she would be stepping down as Bowling Wallendas team captain.

                                “Due to other responsibilities such as my charity

                                work with Doctors Without Borders I will no longer

                                be able to hold the position of captain for the

                                Bowling Wallendas. Believe me this decision

                                was incredibly hard to come to and it’s good to

                                know I have the full support of my team and

                                family.”

The TNT community was shocked at the e-mail sent out from one of the league’s most decorated stars. She has maintained that she will continue to bowl with the most dynamic team in TNT history because in her words “I’m just not captain anymore, I’m not dead.” League secretary Tony “Il Padrino” Cortese remarked “I didn’t think Doctors Without Borders needed economists?”

Team Ninja Adam Gard could not be reached as he was in Pakistan supervising  some sort of S.E.A.L. mission that was taking place.

Chris Jones, who could not be reached, is said to have openly wept. Then when informed she would still be bowling with the team went and had some of the greatest sex he’s ever had with his wife. Neighbors report hearing the name “WALLENDAS!!!” screamed over and over and over again.

Ever the pro team jack-ass and all around good looking guy Kevin Meister got drunk, punched two hobos and crashed a jeep Cherokee into the LA river. Upon hearing the news of Heather’s resignation later he said “Okay I’ll do it.”

A press conference is slated for later this week.

Fans, Players disappointed as BDS TBW skills are a no-show at exhibition match

70,000 eager fans, 300 of which were Make-A-Wish Foundation recipients crowded Pico Blvd. and Bayshore lanes to get a glimpse of the bowling exhibition put on by The Bowling Wallendas and Back Door Santa only to be sorely disappointed. The crowd was a motley crew sporting signs and t-shirts that read things like: “Keep Molina out of TNT” “No Molina is the best Molina” and “Kevin Call Me, I’m Late”.

Both teams were off their games last night. Chris Jones could not attend as he was having a delayed “tommy-john” surgery in hopes that he’ll be good to go come the next season. Powderkeg spent the evening cruising Planned Parenthoods hoping to meet “easy chicks”. Heather Krull was the only stand-out on both squads as she battled Adam Gard for hot Fudge Sundaes and bowled her heart out against Kevin “Built in Nickname” Meister so she wouldn’t have to blow him…again. She released this statement:

                                “He has this rule, since he’s the worst on our team if we

                                 bowl worse against him we have to give him a BJ’er. I

                                honestly think that he slipped us all something when we

                                agreed to that bullshit. But rules are rules and we are

                                trying to have a society here.”

Heather did not have to give any blowies, or handies, to team member Meister; who himself struggled all night long.

                                “I’m trying out a new throw. I’ve gone as far as I can with

                                my straight ball. It’s time for something different. I could

                                wrestling boots but they don’t slide.”

One spectator, Little Mikey Sorenson from Fargo, was so un-impressed with Dynamite Chris Parish’s awful accuracy said he was thinking he may just go into the priesthood.

                                “These guys are awful, it’s so fake. Just like when I watched

                                Hollywood Hulk Hogan against The Rock and my dad told

                                me it was scripted. I think these guys are bogus. I’m going to

                                become a priest so I can touch kids…hearts.”

The whole night was a debacle. When the teams were eating pizza they were subjected to boos, thrown tomatoes, and signs reading “I got Cancer for this?!?!” One Make a Wisher died mid-evening from disappointment. That really seemed to get to Hacksaw who openly wept. When league dictator El Presidente said “He’s going to die anyway, why are you crying fool?” Hacksaw could contain himself no longer. Weeks of pent up frustration at the leagues mistreatment were released in one tremendous blow and he felled El Presidente. That was the only big pop of the evening as  the crowd, which by now had dwindled to a measly 54,329 cheered the images broadcast on the jumbo-tron.

At the end of it all both teams were glad it was over.

                                “Hey it was an exhibition match and I think as Dynamite said

                                we left it all on the lanes last week. I’m just glad we were able

                                to raise over $3 billion for Sri Lankan orphans.” Kevin Meister

Aside from the altercation on Lane 14 there was also considerable controversy regarding the three-way tie for second. While the Wallendas bowled on lanes 1 and 2 last week, and were true second placers, league miscreant and shameless self-promoter Tony “Il Padrino” Cortese named his team as “First Second Place Team” because of the introduction of season total pins plus handicap.

When reached by telephone at his un-disclosed hospital, seriously he’s not in drug rehab, Chris Trashman” Jones was livid:

                                “Are you kidding me? I think it’s a well established fact that

                                the Wallendas may have one of, if not the lowest handicap

                                in the league. Padrino is an attention whore. If he can talk his

                                team up then that’s what he does. Meister better not hump

                                one ball return tonight. Cut into TNT’s revenue stream and

                                teach Cortese a lesson.”

Meister didn’t hump any returns despite recording multiple strikes in all three games he bowled. In fact none of the Wallendas did anything resembling overt celebration even as Adam “The Guv” Gard recorded some pretty sweet shots simply bowling from “Downtown”.

 The evening was further hampered when Meister was served no fewer than 13 times with paternity suits. “I guess standing in front of the microwave doesn’t kill my virility” quipped an easy going Meister, who took every process server in stride and also remarked “hey man if they didn’t want to get pregnant they would have sex with Glass Wall.”

Another angry fan attacked Adam Gard with a samurai sword, Gard took the sword broke it over his knee like Sully smashing a pizza box and bowled a strike. Then after the evening proceeded to teach his would be attacker how you really kill someone with a sword. It was a one time lesson.

So another season comes to an end. They’ve got a one week lay-off then their back at it on May 12. There was the possibility of some off-season moves but it appears the grass roots “Keep Molina Out” movement has gained some steam after being heavily featured on “360 with Anderson “premature grey” Cooper. Who knows what the summer season will bring, will TNT be ready for a rematch? Will Turkey Juice finally start bowling to their potential? Will Hacksaw be indicted again? Only time will tell.

Adam is Missing, Obama is in Town, The Most Electrifying Final Takes Place Tonight!!!

The top two teams are in hiding. But where is Adam “The Guv” Gard? After being extended the olive branch by BDS striker and all around gentleman “Hacksaw” Serris the entire Wallendas squad retreated to the aptly named Row the Boat. It’s a pleasure palace of earthly delights. But in the wee hours of the morning Adam left because as his note said “I’ve got some shit to take care of.”

We all hope he’s there in time, but Meister speculates that Adam may have seen the much heard about “Beach Patrol Signal” which is a silhouette of two naked ladies projected onto the clouds. Why he didn’t tell co-Beach Patroller Kevin Meister is anyone’s guess.

As reported in other blogs Barack Obama will be stopping by the lanes in order to try and bring some transparency to El Presidente’s corrupt regime. Said Obama aboard the Row the Boat last night:

                                “El Presidente’s administration in TNT has shown more corruption

                                than Teapot Dome and the XYZ Affair combined. I mean this guy

                                gives president’s a bad name. He makes Qadaffi look like a level-

                                headed guy.”

Obama went on to bowl a lousy 111, 117, 103. Though he did expense all the beers for the evening, while he polished off his third pin shaped Bud-Light he was heard to mumble:

                                “This bar tab is too big to fail. I'm the Commander-in-Chief

                                  and I declare this bar tab the responsibility of the Fed.”

But bear in mind though the two most dynamic teams ever to play in TNT history are safe from physical harm, being at sea and protected by the Obama supplied Navy S.E.A.L.S. Wallendas class clown Meister was subjected to the following obscene phone call around 3a.m.

Caller- Is this Kevin Fancy Pants Meister?

Kevin- It’s Kevin but all I’ve got on our my Frankenstein jammies.

Caller- That’s hot, I want to lick your ankles?

Kevin- Really? That’s cool.

Caller- (heavy breathing)

Kevin- (heavy breathing)

Caller- Why are you doing that?

Kevin- I thought we were doing the heavy breathing thing.

Caller- I am, you’re supposed to be freaked out.

Kevin- Yeah keep going. I’m grabbing my nipples now.

Caller- What the fuck? Seriously shut up.

Kevin- (heavy breathing)

Caller- Stop it!!!

Kevin- wait wait wait…oh yeah there it is. Thank you for being gentle.

Caller- You’re insane.

Kevin- I love you so much.

BREAKING NEWS - DYNAMITE CHRIS PARISH ARRESTED IN STING OPERATION!!!

Dateline Los Angeles California April 19, 2011

In a stunning turn of events Back Door Santa All-Star and Full-Time Goof Off Dynamite Chris Parish was arrested in West Hollywood in an apparent sting operation. For seven months West Hollywood Police in co-operation with the LAPD and FBI have been monitoring the activities of "The Boing Boing Club" for what they deem impersonations of reggae drag queens. West Hollywood PD released this statement:

                          "These guys will pretend they're drag queens and fleece club goers for
                            hundreds of dollars. It's an abomination on our quiet community."

Dynamite himself claims he wasn't an active participant and was lured to the club by a note:

He went to the club because after getting the note his phone rang and a muffled voice told him to be at the Boing Boing Club with e-mail addresses of people who weren't currently on a Verizon wireless plan. He further went on to state that the only reason he dressed all "rasta" was because he'd heard of the boing boing club and wanted to blend in.

Suspicions have arisen as to who the mysterious E.P. is. Early reports indicate it may be the infamous El Presidente. BDS team members have also accused The Bowling Wallendas because as Parish also noted:

                             "Heather recently found out I know how to read, pretty weird
                              her finding that out and me getting a note all in the same week."

Adam "I wasn't Elected but I'm Still The Guv" Gard rebukes those claims:

                              "If he can read then I'm Linda Ronstadt."

Adam also called up BDS legal counsel and founding member of the Beach Patrol Kevin "I've got a built in nickname" Meister and told him merely "It's time to investigate."

With the championships looming this Thrusday and The Bowling Wallendas facing off against BDS the whole world is waiting and watching to see what happens next. Before yesterday's arrest China was ready to un-peg the yuen from the U.S. Dollar and base their currency solely on the abilities of The Bowling Wallendas, now those plans could be in doubt.

We'll keep you posted.

BDS counsel over-worked, paid in beer. Plus the biggest news to hit TNT since Washington crossed the Delaware!!!

Some people have been saying “When are you going to post something?” It’s been weeks. Well maybe you aren’t familiar with another TNT posters blog, Back Door Santa. If you aren’t you should take a look see and you’ll understand why I haven’t posted. I’VE BEEN BUSY!!! Running point for Back Door Santa’s legal needs is like three full time jobs.

My days have consisted of trial prep, pre-trial motions, more prep, client meetings, and ultimately the trial itself. Am I hopeful for a positive outcome? Of course I am, the plaintiff’s have no case whatsoever. They’re nothing more than cabal of thugs trying to enforce their “non-justice” on Patriotic Americans like good old Hacksaw and yourself.

I thought after we won the sponsorship battle with El Presidente he would have known he wasn’t dealing with a bunch of rubes. Well it turns out he’s gone completely loco with power and is trying to cut both BDS and TBW off at the knees. Last night The El One was overheard saying: “Those Wallendas think they’re all that and a side of some grade A blow, well just wait till I lay the whammy on them.” I’ve got news for you Senor Presidente, we are all that and a huge giant bag of Grade A Columbian Yay. You want to make the Wallendas pay because I represent your mortal enemies? In the words of Heather “Doc” Krull “That’s fine.”

That is why I am declaring next Thursday April 21, 2011 the first ever “WEAR GLOVES TO COMBAT CORRUPTION DAY!!!” I encourage you to tell your friends and family to wear sanitary leather gloves next week, keep your hands free of corruption.

Okay enough proselytizing, on to new business. The Wallendas needed to finish strong in order to get where they want and should be. Sadly the past few weeks were not the best bowling the Wallendas had to offer. We needed to win 3 or more games the previous 3 weeks leading up to last night. I think we did that once out of those 3 weeks. It wasn’t all my fault, last week was the notorious night of the 30 frame boner as our competition was especially pants splittingly hot.

As we entered last night’s games we held our heads low as we had dropped to 4^th with nary a chance of making it to any type of placing game come position week. Things started as usual, Kevin “Moral Center” Meister was up to his usual tricks of bowling awful but charming the panties off the other team. Heather “Doc “ Krull bowled capably and encouraged Meister’s shenanigans.  Chris “Brooklyn Trashman” Jones and Adam “I wasn’t Elected but I’m the Guv” Gard both amply fulfilled their duties as the “big guns” of TBW. Before we knew what hit us TBW had won 2 games, and we’re well on our way to 4 points. But 4 points without a little help is like going to the donkey show in Tijuana without and singles, it’s just not worth it. We needed other teams to fail, and they did not disappoint.

That’s How We Storm Out of the Bowling Alley when we don’t do very well took only one point from their far inferior competition. Perennial cheaters Pants on the Ground couldn’t get their opponents to look away long enough to change the scores. But the losses that will be most debated are those of BDS.

El Presidente was already crying foul last night when he saw the match up forming for next week on lanes 1 and 2. The possibility of this match up has haunted his dreams for over a year now, the mere thought of seeing two teams so perfectly matched up in both skill and charm has been known to send El Presidente running like a mad man to where the ocean meets the shore. I’ve even heard that when someone floated the idea of this match up to him two weeks ago he crapped his pants, put his thumb in his mouth, and called his mother. That’s right readers, next week brings to TNT the most dynamic, most talked about, most hotly anticipated championship game this league has ever seen.

Next week on lanes 1 and 2 you will see the two teams that define TNT face off for the first time in a championship match.  Back Door Santa vs The Bowling Wallendas, a match up that Rich Eisen said this morning was “Devoid of an underdog.”

Below is a timeline of the events that occurred after the match was announced:

9:15pm- BDS and TBW learn they will face eachother in the finals.

9:16pm- BDS collectively pulls their jaws off the floor and begins dancing. Shotboy jumps to the bar begins masturbating furiously. Three women in the bar leave for planned parenthood shortly thereafter for the morning after pill. There’s a 57% chance that the pill will not work.

9:17pm- The Guv punches waiter Josh “Ambrose Burnside” in the face, just because.

9:18pm- The Trashman asks Don “The Bear” Phillips if he’s getting laid this season, Don answers yes. Trashman replies “That’s a no.” Meister can’t restrain his laughter anymore and walks away missing the rest of the conversation.

9:20pm- Powderkeg picks “Don’t Stop Believing” by journey on the jukebox.

9:21pm- Powderkeg realizes his mistake and instead chooses Miley Cyrus’s seminal classic “Party in the USA”.

9:22pm Hacksaw chews through a bowling pin, realizes that the Wood Mafia have spies everywhere and attempts to call legal counsel.

9:22:30- Kevin Meister sitting two bar stools away is already working on an alibi for Hacksaw, he has called a press conference and is ready to present evidence that the pin was destroyed by an angry beaver released into Bayshore by an already on the ropes El Presidente.

9:25pm- Dynamite gets a tattoo on his back to celebrate the occasion, future generations will use images of this tattoo as the basis of a new religion.

9:30pm- The Doc makes sure Ambrose Burnside is fine, promptly punches him again.

9:40pm- El Presidente is found in the ladies room weeping into the biggest pair of granny panties anyone has ever seen. As the paramedics take him to the UCLA Psyche Ward he is heard mumbling “It’s all over, my anti-justice campaign is done.”

10:00pm- both teams take to the streets, roll several hobos and set fire to 3 conversion vans. Subsequently their mere presence gives 2 cripples the ability to walk and it’s been reported that Los Angeles didn’t suffer a single suicide that night.

8:00am EST- White House Press Secretary Jay Carney calls a press conference to discuss how ticket sales of this “most electrifying of match-ups” will erase the deficit and usher in a new age of American prosperity. It’s also believed that if tapes of the match can be smuggled into Libya, Muammar Qadaffi will most probably end his war against his population.

Where will you be next Thursday?