The Butcher's Bill...so far

Week 1	Misfits 3-1 These guys were easy, easy like a drunk prom date.
Week 2	Split it and Quit It 3-1 I expected more, as usual I never get what I expect.
Week 3	Back Door Santa
Week 4	Turkey Hunters
Week 5	AMF-ers
Week 6	New Kids
Week 7	Shady mutha Rollers
Week 8	Spare Parts
Week 9	Balls Deep
Week 10	Honey Badgers
Week 11	Super Friends
Week 12	Pants on The Ground
Week  13	Can't Believe it's not Gutter

MATCH OF THE SEASON...So Far

Holy Déjà vu!!! Can it be? Didn’t we see these two teams face each other not 6 weeks ago? Yes loyal reader you sure did. So just like the championship game be wherever you have to be earlier than you wanted to be, because the 405, 10, and 101 are going to be shut down around 2pm to accommodate the truckloads busloads of orphans and make-a-wish kids to watch the match.

If freeways are closed and unfortunate children are getting bussed in then it can only mean it’s:

The Bowling Wallendas and Backdoor Santa Match-up Week!!!

League scheduler realizing they could have an early season and late season ratings bonanza on their hands decided to book their regular season match earlier than last season.

                                                “Get ‘em hooked early on I say. And What I say goes…”

That was the quote of the day from El Presidente and booking this early season match-up ranks as the least douchey thing he has ever done.

Let’s run down the teams:

Back Door Santa- Overall the team is struggling. But it’s only week 3 you say? Well their performance last week against Turkey Juice was nothing less than abysmal. Sports Guy (and mass-hole) Bill Simmons all ready suspects that BDS could suffer the same fate as last time they won the championship and won’t make it to the play-offs. Gene Shalit however thinks it’s just early season jitters and that Bridesmaids was FANTASTIC!

Shotboy- the heavy hitter, the go to guy. Mr. Soco himself. He changed up his pre-game ritual this season and that could hamper him in the strike department. Instead of having a little heuvos rancheros before the game he now insists on banging 14 cougars leading up to Thursday. Hey whatever works brother.

Powderkeg- Quite frankly I’m unimpressed. He spends more time chasing tail than focusing on his game and the only thing he has to show for it is repeat visits to planned parenthood the abortion multiplex.

Hacksaw- Now here’s the heart of this team. What he says goes and a little birdie told me he said “Win”.

Dynamite- What can you say about a guy who couldn’t pull his own weight if he had someone doing it for him. He means well but let’s face it, his bowling is dicier than a crackhead on a school night.

The Bowling Wallendas- They came out of the gate somewhat strong, they had to, this season looks to be the toughest scheduling they’ve ever faced. Their schedule is the 267^th douchiest thing El Presidente has done. But they’re plucky, they’re determined, and they spend Thursdays blowing lines of coke, lifting weights, and gobbling up beta-blockers like they're peeps. They’ve got one mission this season, to win the whole fucking thing.

The Guv, Gard Dog- two of his games last week literally blew my pants off and exposed my chubby white thighs to the entire alley. The kid is good, nay great. He’s living proof that humans were meant to bowl and fuck and that’s pretty much it.

Trashman, Brooklyn- This kid is hungrier than the Ethiopians were in ’86. He wants top spot on the team and he’s making a strong play. He’s been breathing down Adam’s neck since the middle of last season and Adam kind of wishes he would stop, mostly cause it tickles.

Doc- She’s an enigma. Her unorthodox throwing style has been mimicked by everyone from Fergie to Jesus but she knocks over pins. She’s also the world’s foremost expert on Chuck Norris movies. Don’t get her started on Invasion America, she will jaw all night long.

The Count- Wow, talk about polishing a turd. His style is awful, his handicap his huge, and he never fucking tips. But people claim to have been healed by the site of him humping ball returns so he keeps up the façade of being a bowler. Mostly to get tail and seahorse eggs.

Over all it’s anyone’s game. I’ve got my money on TBW* but then again they’re my teammates.

*I reported earlier BDS but I was thinking about boobies, pardon the mistake.

A Team Divided, Ancients Reveal Their Secrets, and Incorrect History

After last week’s disappointing 3-1 win against the Misfits I decided we needed a new formula. So I hunkered down in the lab and tried to get to the root of it. Here’s what I’ve learned:

1-      My team no longer responds to being told they’ll have to blow me if I bowl better than them. While I appreciate the upswing of non-committal blowjobs, I’d rather see more “W’s” in the column.

2-      As my team gets drunker their skills slacken off. This is not good at all.

3-      I spend way too much of my time focusing on all things Wallendas.

As you can see these are the questions that have plagued man forever. They are the Gordian knots of human philosophy and not easily answerable…by anyone who isn’t nearly as fucking awesome as I am. I kid you not when I say it took me about 15-20 minutes to come up with an answer. So I was able to free up enough time to head over to the theater and check out Bridesmaids. But when I got to the theater I remembered I have a penis so I killed a drifter instead. So answers to questions-

1-      My team no longer fear blowing me: Then I have to get them to fear something else. At first I thought public blow jobs but certain puritanical blue laws will cause me fear and I don’t like being scared. So then I went on to shame and I looked back at my time as a youngster and remembered when I got in trouble I would have to stand in the hall. While I can’t make a teammate stand outside bayshore lanes I can make them wear the modern day dunce cap. So beginning tonight if you see a Wallenda wearing a different t-shirt than usual ask them why they’re wearing said shirt. If they fail to answer you then please let me know so I can have them flogged.

2-      I’ll come back to this one cause it gets fucking complicated, and El Presidente got involved.

3-      I spend too much time worrying about the Wallendas: FUCK THAT NOISE. I realized I don’t spend enough time worrying about these losers under my charge. If I did worry more maybe we wouldn’t have dropped one game to the Misfits. A team name that sounds more like a competitor’s band in a mid- to late 80’s girls cartoon. So to that end I’ve established @wallendasbowl on twitter. Up to date information, real time as it fucking happens. All Wallendas all the fucking time assholes. We’re going to merchandise the fuck out of this squad. That means interviews, autograph signings, car dealership sale openings, and bar (and bat) mitzvahs.

Okay so back to question 2. I, myself, have also been guilty of imbibing too much magic juice. I thought maybe we should it ban it but just the right amount of magic juice and you bowl like a fucking god, you go one step over that limit though and you run the risk of starring in the donkey show in TJ. I needed answers and I needed them quick. I won’t reveal my secrets because…well…do your own fucking research. But I went mad deep into the annals (hee hee) of history. My answer lied not with medieval Europe, or even Ancient Rome; no my answers lied with the sages who gave us bowling in the first place. I don’t have everything firmed up completely but I am on the verge of a discovery so fucking big it’ll make the polio vaccine look like a bad shot at a Cabo Cantina happy hour. I’m serious this will blow your fucking socks off. The problem is with something this big it’s only a matter of time before the politicos want a taste and wouldn’t you know it, El Presidente and his thugs are all over my ass to give away my research. “We just want to wet our beaks” he tells me. So I told him to go climb a tree. His response to my denial was to label my research of magic juice witchcraft and call for a public stoning. The whole trial was a farce of epic proportions; it was like Kramer's case against Sue Ellen Mischke, totally without merit. I razzle dazzled the tribunal with some legal crap I picked up from seeing every episode of Law & Order, in the end my magic juice investigation was labelled "harmless to others." I However was remanded to the UCLA Psyche Ward for 48hrs...and released. So yet falls another of loco El Presidente's ploys, this guy is worse than Doctor Claw at hatching plots. What the fuck is wrong with him? Calls me a witch, kidnaps Shotboy, and voted for Prop 8. Next thing is he’ll tell us to wear underwear on the outside of our pants. I mean he has really fucking lost it.

So that was my week. What did you do? Spend time with the family? Read a book? Practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty? Pussies.

This week is going to be a weird one. Split it and Quit it can be a tough team to beat, they’re always a tough team to bowl against because they are the undisputed 2^nd placers of head games. The first being That’s How We Make Bowling Less Fun For Everyone in the League. But more than that SIQI are bowling against a Wallendas divided; deposed former captain Heather “Love me some Ho-Jo’s” Krull decided to force contract negotiations early and is in an undisclosed location, refusing to roll tonight. I can't count on her lousy blind score so I brought in hired gun, and singer/songwriter, Ryan “I’ll Fuck You Up” Adams*.  Ryan is eager to show TNT he has the chops to destroy hobos in the street and to prep he said he’s been “lifting weights and blowing lines off of hookers’ asses all fucking week.” The man is dedicated to his craft. Your move Doctor.

When asked Adam "The Guv" about Heather's insanely audacious move he was heard to say:

                                    “What is she high? Meister’s totally serious about

                                    replacing all of us with chimpanzees if he has to.

                                    Although I'd kind of like to see chimps bowl, I like

                                    my team. Make sure you tell him I said that.”

Team giant Chris Jones had a different take on the debacle:

                                    “I admire her. If I wasn’t so worried about

                                    my free agency prospects I’d walk too. But

                                    wife says I can’t. I’ll talk to you later I’m

                                    going to wrestle some more with this

                                    bulldog I’m dog-sitting.”

Jones then went on to annihilate Meister in yet another Words with Friends match.

For her part Doctor Krull had this to say:

                                    “Meister is insane. I am not refusing to

                                    play, I AM TRAVELLING FOR WORK!!! My

                                    god he takes this stuff so personally.”

Nice try Heather, I’m not buying it. 

Despite their differences of opinion the Trashman and Gard Dawg** are all in for tonight. I expect great things from them. I’m taking copious notes. Maybe the power has gone to my head, maybe I just want to produce a winner. But Edison didn’t invent the automobile without breaking some eggs. What’s that? Edison didn’t invent the automobile and cars don't use eggs for anything? Go fuck yourself nerd I’m bowling for pussy.

Meister Out!

*No relation to Debbie Harry, seriously don’t ask he’ll mess you up

**Yeah I’m not thrilled with it either.

Wallendas Begin March to Victory, Meister Taken Out in His Prime, Il Padrino up to his old tricks!!!

TNT Summer League has begun in earnest. Captains arrived early to meet with league secretary and man of respect Tony “Il Padrino” Cortese. In what will go on record as the longest captain’s meeting in TNT history justice was hijacked once again. Here’s a rundown of the meetings highlights:

1-      Shotboy, under advice of legal counsel, did not note his presence. His lawyer and snappy dresser did that for him.

2-      El Presidente showed up considerably late flaunting food from the Bayshore Lane’s new high tech automatic kitchen.

3-      Il Padrino proceeded to “eat El Presidente’s pickle” with a fervor that I haven’t seen since the third scene in “We Swallow #7”*

4-      Il Padrino tried to quickly move past the officers nominations. I tried nominating Mr. Pants Ira for president. It was met with derision from both EP and Cortese.

5-      One new captain, who shall remain nameless, showing extreme courage and bravery proclaimed his real reasons for the captaincy. The utter incompetence of the previous team captain who has brought one of the most storied and the most dynamic team in TNT history to the brink of financial ruin through complete mismanagement.

6-      We’re still waiting on test results but every female at the meeting was shuttled to Planned Parenthood after Thursday games for pregnancy tests. It’s a known fact that I possess a machismo and virility that the Mayans predicted as “The 5^th Sun”. If any of these ladies does get pregnant, and they will, and they choose to see it to term I will do my duty and provide support. It’s only fair. I will not however be a part of the child’s life. They’re bastards, it’s as simple as that.

After the 63 hour meeting TNT’ers were forced to wait an additional 87 minutes before we were even able to practice bowl. But finally the season had started.

When taking over the captaincy I tasked my team with one goal- WIN AT ALL COSTS.

It seems they got the memo. Adam Gard went to Red Lobster and demanded they start a spring festival called Strike-Fest with all you can eat steak. Officials at Red Lobster, or the ‘Ster as we call it, tried explaining that their restaurant is “for the seafood lover in you”. It fell on deaf ears, Gard continued making the demand and when workers tried to get him to leave he simply decided to buy the entire chain of stores. He plans to turn each one into a local Hall of Fame to his bowling greatness. Economists and analysts believe they will turn a profit within minutes of re-opening.

Chris “trashman” Jones kept up his assault on bowling pins. Scientists recently attached microphones and electrodes to the pins. It’s now proven when Jonesy rolls, pins collective shit themselves then scream upon impact. PETA protests are expected next week. Jones isn’t worried, “I just bought a gun two weeks ago and I’ve got the twitches” was his only comment.

Heather Krull took a break from the studio; where she is recording her debut hip-hop album “Bitches be Trippin’”, to throw some balls at pins. She started off slow but when I pulled my zipper down to show her who she’d be blowing if she didn’t improve. That did the trick and she ended up pretty strong for all three days.

As for myself, I’m a fucking pro. I come to roll every Thursday. I skipped out on two depositions yesterday in order get myself ready for the evening. I’ll probably lose that case but I just sold some oil futures so I’m good until Labor Day. Things were going great; I’m working on refining my throw and getting even better than I already am…which I admit is a lot. I ended strong in game 1, did my customary game 2 bed shitting, and started strong in game 3. That’s when tragedy struck. While trying to replace some crystal meth in my bowling bag Chris Jones, a teammate and dear friend, kicked me over. It seems The Trashman and the rest of the team had taken umbrage with a motivational e-mail I sent to them earlier in the day. The e-mail highlighted their strengths (me) and their weaknesses (their ability to settle for second place or as I call it “The Fucking Your Sister Award”). I outlined my recipe for success (stop sucking) and pointed out how they could improve (turning the suck knob way down). Well some people don’t take criticism very well and my team is an example of that. One e-mail was all it took to get them going for a possible coup d’état. Chris saw his opening and knocked me to the ground, I landed on an already injured knee and exacerbated the injury. My game three never recovered. Around frame 7 Trashman started feeling bad and was heard to say “I broke Kevin.” I don’t hold a grudge though and all is forgiven, now I can look into cybernetics. After the games Chris made it up to me by allowing me to play with the bulldog he is babysitting, the inappropriately named “Banksey”. What a scamp of a pup.

Wallendas finished the night off 3-1. Our goal this season is to be beat motherfuckers down.

*I highly recommend this movie but don’t go and watch that one, you’ll need to see 1-6 or the story will be lost on you

Where's Heather? Wallendas ready to Bowl, and El Presidente Threatened!!!

After a disastrous stint advising the Los Angeles Lakers, The Bowling Wallendas are back and ready to roll. Their heartbreaking loss to Backdoor Santa was a wake-up call to Adam Gard who, when asked what he intends to do this season replied “Strike this motherfucker out.” When asked what he was talking about he shook his head and said “time to make the donuts motherfucker.”  The second quote was enough for some in the “liberally biased” media to assume he has had some sort of schizophrenic break but as all Wallendas know he’s often been given to saying cryptic things. Chris Jones says it’s part of Adam’s charm.

Speaking of Chris Jones he’s decided to dedicate this entire season to Sri Lankan orphans because he thinks their situation is “sad and shit, now buzz off I’m trying to find someone to mug.” It should be noted that while Mr. Jones does involve himself in petty larceny he only does it because “it’s such a fucking rush man.” He typically returns everything he stole from his victims; unless of course they have “some tasty ass shit”. His words not mine.

There was a bit of worry this week in TBW training camp as former team captain and Olympic gymnast Heather Krull vanished for days on end. This led to speculation that she had once again fallen under the sway of the “Children of God” cult. There was a two-year period 2003-2005 when Heather dropped out and lived with the cult until a crack squad led by Adam “Yeah I got nunchuks, whatchoo got?” Gard rescued her and she was deprogrammed. When Heather vanished this week the entire team and their spiritual advisor Tony Robbins went into action mode; running down leads, breaking fingers,  and trashing hotel rooms to find her.

All’s well that ends well. Turns out Heather was just in South Dakota doing peyote and “tripping her fucking balls off, getting all Phil Jackson-y”.

As the new team captain I only have this to say about the upcoming season:

                                “GET OFF MY FUCKING LAWN!!!”

There has been some talk that there will be a coup in the captain’s meeting tonight. Someone only referring to themselves as “El Presidente Numero Dos” has been sending cryptic messages to various members of the TNT league warning them to come late to the meeting as “Much blood will be shed” and “El Presidente’s days are numbered like the pages of a short book.”

After a 36 hour conference call between Team BDS and TBW it was decided that, while El Presidente has been the most corrupt leader in the history of man, not even he deserves a violent end. Arguments for and against were debated at length. Hacksaw at one point destroyed a Van Gogh he purchased, “For a song”, to demonstrate what he would do to anyone trying to hurt EP. However the point was lost as it wasn’t a video conference but he did describe his actions in much detail and all on the call agreed that, were it to have been seen it would have been a most awesome display of emotion and integrity.

After the call Adam Gard and Nick Lyons working with the joint chiefs of staff kidnapped EP, for his own good, and will deliver him to the lanes tonight. Dynamite is using a bomb sniffing dog to clear the meeting room and I personally will be making sure Shotboy arrives safely.

No one is sure who El Presidente Numero Dos is but based on the accent in the voicemails I believe it to be one Joey Fistpump. Of course as Jones loves to point out “Meister you always think it’s Joey Fistpump.”

WTF!?!?!?!???!

Dateline Sunday Night-

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?! This is some kind of sick joke perpetrated on the American people and the world as a whole. Heather Krull announced Sunday evening she would be stepping down as Bowling Wallendas team captain.

                                “Due to other responsibilities such as my charity

                                work with Doctors Without Borders I will no longer

                                be able to hold the position of captain for the

                                Bowling Wallendas. Believe me this decision

                                was incredibly hard to come to and it’s good to

                                know I have the full support of my team and

                                family.”

The TNT community was shocked at the e-mail sent out from one of the league’s most decorated stars. She has maintained that she will continue to bowl with the most dynamic team in TNT history because in her words “I’m just not captain anymore, I’m not dead.” League secretary Tony “Il Padrino” Cortese remarked “I didn’t think Doctors Without Borders needed economists?”

Team Ninja Adam Gard could not be reached as he was in Pakistan supervising  some sort of S.E.A.L. mission that was taking place.

Chris Jones, who could not be reached, is said to have openly wept. Then when informed she would still be bowling with the team went and had some of the greatest sex he’s ever had with his wife. Neighbors report hearing the name “WALLENDAS!!!” screamed over and over and over again.

Ever the pro team jack-ass and all around good looking guy Kevin Meister got drunk, punched two hobos and crashed a jeep Cherokee into the LA river. Upon hearing the news of Heather’s resignation later he said “Okay I’ll do it.”

A press conference is slated for later this week.