In a stunning move surprising even the most vocal critics of
Best Korea, Adam Gard was so sick of the war rhetoric, and lack of Dennis
Rodman rhetoric, that he chartered a bus and drove to the rogue nation in order
to deliver a smackdown to Best Korean dictator Kim Jong Un.
Un was so impressed he tried to sign Gard to a multi-year
deal as Generalissimo in Chief of the Best Korean army and navy. Gard told Un
he had “better shit to do.” And drove that bus all the way back across the
pacific and home.
What did he have to do? Weeeelllllllll……
TNT begins anew this Thursday. The Bowling Wallendas!!! are
ready for action…well kind of. At the end of last season’s 4th place
finish the Wallendas!!! Found themselves in an extreme game of “who can throw
the bottle in the trash so they don’t have to be captain.” Heather Krull was
all, it ain’t gonna be me so she nailed her first shot. The Trashman was all,
me either I don’t wanna. Heart & Soul, the notoriously worst shot of all of
them looked to be a lock for the new captain. But a voice in the wilderness
stood up and said “Enough is enough”, the normally clutch Adam “Gard Dawg” Gard (fresh off his bus tour of the Korean peninsula) continually tried trick shots in an effort to WIN THE CAPTAINCY. When I asked
him why he was doing that later he told me, in his most eloquent fashion,
“Because I’m bringing this shit home, no more pussy shit.”, sorry ladies he is
spoken for. So Adam Gard took over and immediately ordered up 5am
circuit training 8 days a week for the team. No more late night orgies for me,
no more cutting out to the recording studio for Heather, and no more sketching
naked homeless people for the Trashman.
In protest the first thing Trashman did was break his foot
chasing a purse snatcher down the street. He caught the miscreant only to find
that they weren’t stealing a purse but rather kisses. Initial doctor’s reports
indicated an 8 week absence from the lanes. Jones will be back in two.
Meister found his back injured over the weekend after too
much experimental conditioning. He read somewhere that trampolining was the new
conditioning and went at it with gusto. Two hours later he found his back
protruding various bones in several places. Doctors have given him a recuperation
time of 4 weeks, he’ll be ready to roll on Thursday. That’s how Wallendas!!! do
it, we listen to the learned doctors and then proceed to tell them to “Fuck
off, we’ll do it live.”
The thing is, the full weight of Wallendia!!! needs to be
present on Thursday. Il Padrino is looking to remove the post-bowling rule from
the league. It’s bullshit, it’s kind of like adding a regular roster player to
your team on Position Night in order to be able to compete for one of the top 3
trophies. TBW!!! Will be vocal in our disgust with Il Padrino and his new
lackey Big Ern’s Ryan Gallagher (mean nickname still being decided).
Either way, TBW!!! Is ready for another season of
awesome-ness.
Meister Out
While I was typing
this, some jackhole just walked by my desk and asked if The Bowling
Wallendas!!! were any good. I held back on throat punching him and instead just
put syphilis in his lunch. Enjoy the burning pee sucka.
