The Wallendas Need a Full Season to truly shine

Our resident mathmagician and sometime bowler Heather “Algebra I is for Pussies” Krull has run the numbers and discovered an amazing formula to the Wallendas nabbing a fourth place finish yet again in the non-corrupt TNT league. Here’s how it shakes down:

On Thursday:

Pants on the Ground takes 4 (or 3 and they tie one game)

Split It and Quit It wins 1, Bowling Stones Win 3

No one takes 4 in the 5/6 lineup (either team could get 31)

We take 4 (31)

According to her it has to shake out that way and the Wallendas need to be perfect to win a trophy in a 17 place tie with 31 points.

This only goes to drive home the fact that TBW needs a full season to be awesome. Having two weeks removed because Il Padrino and El Presidente wanted to have a three week sabbatical in Cuba on the league’s  dime is just further proof that I am not being paranoid when I stockpile assault weapons by the river.

Corporate buy outs? I’m sorry but that dog won’t hunt. In the year of “Occupy” do you think any corporation would be stupid enough to take away something from the 99% that distracts them from how those same corporations are nailing our poop-shoots without lubricate? No I’m sorry they aren’t that stupid, and aren’t filled with that much hubris. The corporate buy-out is a sham perpetrated by a corrupt administration upon an accepting audience. Only a few teams will rally against the corruption in the system and they are drowned out by the sheer ambivalence of the majority.

As this season draws to a close please note some of the other controversies that were making headlines in TNT:

League pay-outs decreased this season. A vote was called about raising the fee to $18 when one corruption confederate asked it be raised to $20 a week so one wouldn’t have to “make change”. Well you can get down and thank me for squashing that bit of future embezzlement.

Irishman082004 astounds the league with an inability to type English – I honestly wished I saved everyone of his e-mails. Because when he is caught for killing hookers and hobos those e-mails will give criminal psychologists an insight into his mind. Imagine purposely spelling everything the way it sounds as a child might, then miss-spell all those words as well. It is vital that we improve our education system in this country.

Meister Continues to be Awesome – As if there was any doubt. Other bowlers have tried stepping up to the plate and swiping some signature moves, but their ball return humping is mechanical and without emotion. I don’t hump ball returns, I make love to them. Just as I make love to cheesecake or miller high life. It’s either in you or it isn’t, and I’m sorry to say TNT, it just not in the majority of you.

WALLENDAS ROCKED BY SCANDAL, TNT TURNS AGAINST THEM!!!

TNT bowling was rocked with news this week that multiple members of The Bowling Wallendas are embroiled in multiple scandals. Ambrose Burnside was heard to say:

                                “My faith in man has been shaken to the core, I don’t

                                 know if I’ll ever be able to love again.”

Personally I think the team’s overall poor performance is to blame for these alleged transgressions. Of course they could all prove to be more false propaganda perpetrated by El Presidente. He’s been awfully quiet as of late and that can only mean one thing…he’s been rhyming and scheming again.

Il Padrino has called for sanctions and wants to impose fines on those rich rich endorsements that TBW have been getting. I’ll fight him tooth and claw before I let him touch our team coffers. That’s the money we use to buy pop and alcohol, we need every penny of the $15 million we pull in weekly.

                                “I feel just like I did when I almost walked in on my parents

                                 doing it…let down.” Shawn “Necktie” Clancy

Talk on the other lanes is continually returning to TBW and sister squad Backdoor Santa, why have they underperformed this season? Are they trying to “Suck for Luck”? Maybe they’ve overextended themselves with all their personal appearances at bowling alleys and peace negotiations around the world. I’ll tell you right now that is complete and utter bullshit; we make those appearances because we can’t turn our public down, and aside from the occasional back rub from a pretty little co-ed, we’ve never accepted a dime for our time. How’d you like that rhyme El Prez?

Non-believers in TNT have tried to claim TBW forming the Wallendas Auxiliary Youth Paramilitary goes against league by-laws, but I refute those charges and will raise my hand and point to the spot on the wall where I would hang my fake law degree if I ever got around to printing it out, framing it, and actually hanging it. We need WAP to guard our many bejeweled crowns and scepters. It also keeps at risk kids off the street.

                                “Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy,

         The Wizard of Oz.  All fictional characters, and like

        TBW, they’ve broken my heart.” Scotty Chestnut

The rest of TNT can go ahead and kiss our gorgeous asses. TBW and BDS have nothing to hide, in fact we gladly open our books for the entire league to peruse and look over every two weeks. We insure transparency in our awesome-ness and will combat any charges of impropriety. Plus showing everyone how much we make keeps them hungry. So you see it’s win win, we get semi-chubs from their jealousy and they try to improve, so that they too may one day accrue the same wealth we do. Actually it’s win-lose when you really think about it. We get to show off our monies and they can never hope to attain the same kind of scratch. You see you can be as good as you like but when you can’t sell a simple ball return hump, then you can’t hope to be in the same class as us. It’s like Wilbur Wright said before he fucked shit up in Kitty Hawk, “You can’t coach height.”

                                “I used to really like those guys, now I think they’re

                                 worse than Hitler.” Godwin

As I sit here polishing my authentic sabre-toothed tiger skeleton and reminiscing about the time I beat the shit out of panda bear I find solace in the fact that my team and I are so much better than the teams we deign to share the lanes with. Lanes that were built on the backs of TBW and BDS victories. Lanes that continue to exist because our bowling pays they fucking bills. Think about that next time you’re wondering what to do on a Saturday night and all the alleys are closed.

Week 1 Disaster, Could this be the end of the Wallendas?

I hate to be the bearer of bad news sports fans but Wallenda Nation is in crisis. Some say it's the 30 games of bowling a day, even on game day. Some say it's the vigorous heat of Bayshore Lanes. Some say it's the burden of a team that is awesome 26 hours a day 30 days a week 855 days a year. But if any one, and I mean any one, says it's the amount of alcohol we drink I will smash that mother fucker in the face; with my fist, over and over again.

We lost last week. We lost to ham and eggers. We lost to turkey hunters. Our first game we looked strong, like the mighty viking warriors we are. But after that we become addled, geriatric, bed shitters who couldn't find our reading glasses.

Maybe the team is over committing itself. Maybe Heather "Doc" Krull should be trying to release a new double CD every month. Maybe Chris "Trashman" Jones shouldn't be huffing glue and "buying and selling bitches like they was noodles". Maybe Adam "Gard Dogg" Gard shouldn't be roaming the streets every night throat punching every cross-eyed mother fucker he sees. Maybe our team sub Ryan "I'll fucking end you if you use that singer songwriter bit again" Adams shouldn't be speculating in the Asian markets. Hell maybe I shouldn't be practicing law, I never passed the bar and maybe I've won over 4 cases but it takes away from the team.

Thing is faithful Wallendians, those things I mentioned are all maybes. If I want to go with maybes, then perhaps I should also add: Maybe El Presidente better watch his back. Maybe Il Padrino better make league meetings take less time. And maybe, just maybe, the rest of the TNT league should just lay down their fucking bowling balls and cede the season to us. Because the end result of this season is that all the other teams weep and cry during position week as the Wallendas stand on Lane 1 and lord over them that we won this bitch in Week 7.

HOLY FUCK!!! Did he just do that? Did he just say they'll have won the season in Week 7? Let me answer your question with a question. CAN YOU FUCKING READ??? Well if you can then you know the answer is yes, I did call my shot. See some other teams may put more strikes on the board. Some other teams may use a better strategy. Hell, some other teams may even think they're better looking. But none of those teams has bigger cocks than us. We're sporting more meat than Oscar Fucking Meyer. Hell even the strap-on Heather uses to scare hobos is bigger than 97% of TNT.

So don't you worry about a thing. The Bowling Wallendas are going to drive this big rig home before too long and totally destroy the rest of TNT.

EL PRESIDENTE FOR LIFE??? ZACHFOCS Takes Action!!! Wallendas Under Siege!!! Whitney Cummings New Show Looks Like Shit!!

As a new season dawns on us The Bowling Wallendas will descend from their mountain lair, high atop Mount Fuji, and bring their unique brand of awesome back to TNT. Much like the “mythical” phoenix rising from the ashes to be reborn, the Wallendas feel themselves reborn in a certain fashion. Of course we’re descending from a mountain and not rising from ashes.

Gone is the season plagued by injuries both physical and emotional. Sadly it seems they and their brethren of Back Door Santa will continue to be dogged by the evil forces of El Presidente. In an effort to stem some of the propaganda spewing forth from El Corrupto Daily, Havana’s second best selling daily periodical, Meister along with his cohort in ZACHFOCS Nick “Powderkeg” Lyons have proposed renaming El Presidente CRS-ONE in all future postings.

“Listen the first thing we noticed when we started ZACHFOCS was that people hate difficult anagrams.” Nick Lyons was noted as saying.

“Yeah, I mean you wouldn’t believe how many PR people are on our asses about changing ZACHFOCS. How fucking hard is it to know ZACHFOCS stands for Zealously Adored Champions Heralded For Opposing Corruption & Suspiciousness?” Meister added.

When pushed on the matter Powderkeg went on to explain- “CRS-ONE stands for Corruption Reigns Supreme Over Nearly Everyone. Now I know that’s not true, you know that’s not true. Hell even CRS-ONE himself knows it’s not true. But if you name someone with an anagram that doesn’t mean a damn thing you take away their power. Look at Cher, her name stands for Crusty Ho Enveloped by Rubber. Sure she had a good run for a while but have you heard from her lately?”

“We rest our case. And you clowns in the press ought to know with my trial record of 5 wins no losses and 368 charges dropped before the case even reaches trial; that when I rest my case, I really rest my case.” Meister finished.

Now back to some very disturbing TBW business. On our one week sabbatical we rooted out a traitor in their midst. Shawn Clancy has officially turned coat. That’s right, the guy who kept promising to show up at our games with an official WALLENDAS FAN t-shirt has betrayed us. Yep Mr. Necktie himself, Shawn Clancy, has decided to join the TNT league. A former Wallendas booster, Necktie now finds himself playing for Honey Badgers DGAS. It is a definite slap in the face to TBW’er Chris “Trashman” Jones who taught the young Necktie everything he knows.

“He’s pretty much dead to me.” Jones said before he grabbed Ambrose Burnside and smacked the taste out of his mouth.

“I hope he gets the clap.” Said Adam “Gard Dogg” Gard.

“I hope he gets a girlfriend, and then he gets that girlfriend super pregnant. Like so pregnant there is no way they could do an abortion.” Commented team witch doctor Heather Krull.

“seriously I’ll be destroying my team from the inside. I’m like rot for bowling.” Pled Clancy.

He may be right too. I’ve bowled with the guy and he’s anything but consistent. Either way I wish him the best of luck in the upcoming season. But I would like to echo Heather’s thoughts and hope he totally knocks up some girl with like an unkillable fetus.

TBD and BDS Face off in THE NEW MONEY GAME!!!

Well El Presidente and Il Padrino were trying to make moves behind the scenes. The way TNT has been ending this season has you would think that cultural heroes and American bad-asses Bowling Wallendas and Back Door Santa have been doing nothing to prevent it. Worry not brave followers, your idols have not slacked off one bit.

“But you guys aren’t playing each other in the championship this season?”

Let me explain to you what has happened this season. Somewhere around week 3 TBW team sage Adam Gard Dogg” Gard and BDS’s John “Walks with quiet dignity” Serris called each other on the phone at the exact same time. It was odd but they both had the exact same thought: “El Presidente is setting up an Evil Soup victory”. After they got over the whole “wow that is so weird that we tried calling each other at the same time” business they called number cruncher Heather “Doc” Krull. She looked at the data on hand:

El Presidente is a notorious cheater

Evil Soup is a new team with new girls, who have new breasts

Il Padrino hates BDS and TBW and some say he is the real brains behind the El Presidente situation.

BDS and TBW faced more top tier teams than any other team in the history of TNT combined

She also fed in a bunch of formulas that I won’t go into length at here because if I did your puny fucking heads would explode and you’d be institutionalized for at least a year before you learned to eat solid food again.

Any way she input this data into our supercomputer or the Wallendatron 9000 and in roughly 8 nano-seconds the computer spit out this tidbit:

“Evil Soup Wins the TNT league by week 9.”

Needless to say a conference was called; we all decided in fairness, because that’s what TBW and BDS are all about, the four day conference would be split between our Tibetan mountain retreat and BDS’s giant fucking yacht. We looked at every possibility to avert the outcome that Wallendatron had come up with, but no matter how we crunched the numbers we couldn’t do it without cheating. So we decided to take the high road and in a sense subvert El Presidente’s chances of TNT domination.

We danced his tarantella to its fullest; playing the part beautifully I might add. We came and bowled every week and sometimes we lost and sometimes we won. But the whole time we kept a close eye on our scores and the competition’s. In the end on position night, when TNT gets its biggest numbers on Versus, will the cameras be tuned to the first and second place game where the outcome is already decided? Will the viewers want to see a battle for third between the non-descript Turkey Hunters and perennial also-rans Spare Parts? Or will all those cameras in all their HD glory be filming lanes five and six where The Bowling Wallendas will face off against their longtime frenemies Back Door Santa?

That’s right El Presidente TBW and BDS MOVED THE FUCKING MONEY GAME ON YOU!!! Did you think by making Evil Soup so out of reach that you could manufacture stars? Bob Panzer? Really? The man’s last name reminds you of the blitzkrieg. It’s not a playful German name like Meister. Well I’m sorry El Presidente but stars may be manufactured for the Disney channel but in TNT stars are born, not pre-packaged like Oscar Meyer lunch meat. So while the championship game ratings plummet we’ll be sitting pretty on lanes five and six signing autographs for orphans and making sure the poor have enough to eat this thanksgiving. Better luck next time folio.

If anyone out there denies that Evil Soup has had a leg up, their main sub is David “I’m a biker who bowls” Gatto who is a notoriously great bowler. And he also happens to be a former long time teammate of El Presidente. I could go into more detail about the amount of letters in people's names but I think you can all agree I've never, and I never will, try to steer you wrong.

Seeing as El Presidente has his moves planned well into the future there isn’t much we as fairness coordinators can do but react. But if you’ve read BDS’s insightful blog you’ll see that we’re doing everything we can to stymie the corruption and keep TNT fair everyone.

******BREAKING NEWS****** TNT Rocked by Scandal - BDS Suffers, Krull Attacked!!!

Dateline- RIGHT FUCKING NOW

THIS SHIT IS SERIOUSLY FUCKED!!!

Did you know why you didn't see BDS at TNT last Thursday? Because the corruption experts pulled their super awesome trick of "the lanes are messed up" crap again. That's two weeks in a row that the two greatest teams ever to bowl in this corrupt league haven't played on the same night. Did you also notice in that same time span that the Dow Jones industrial average has lost over 1100 points? RAND Scientists are working with DARPA to test the links behind this "coincidence". Guess what science nerds, I already crunched the numbers on my slide rule and you know what I discovered?

WHEN BDS AND TBW DON'T BOWL THE SAME NIGHT SHIT GETS WONKY ON WALL STREET!!!!

No need for you to conitnue your useless exercise, maybe you can get back to not finding a cure for cancer. I'm certain you can use your massive craniums to come up with even better boner pills. You're all a bunch of linuses.

Well guess what TNT? This Thursday marks the return of TBW and BDS bowling on the same night? Will there be huge gains Friday in the market? I won't promise anything. Both teams have decided to stay out of politics since we are getting ZERO support from congress regarding El Presidente and Il Padrino's massive amounts of corruption. We are but voices in the wilderness and when the time comes that congress and old 'Bama himself come calling for favors we'll just jump on our waterslides.

Beyond the regular amounts of corruption facing both of these incredibly handsome teams is a new threat:

Heather "Don't Want No Scrubs" Krull was FUCKING ATTACKED BY 68 NINJAS ARMED WITH NINJA STARS!!!

While walking home from the theater where she enjoyed "Crazy Stupid Love" 68 Ninjas wearing crazy ninjas outfits jumped off the Kirk Douglas Theater and attacked her. She valiantly fought off 67 of them but the last one, before running like the cowardly cur he( or she, cause they were in ninja clothes it's hard to tell) is, threw a ninja star that reactivated an old back injury she suffered while rescuing drowning puppies.

Luckily Ryan "it's time for you to go downtown" Adams is offering his axe, and not a moment too soon. He had to hightail it out of Mexico because apparently he knocked up some drug lord's mistress. In his words:

"Dude she was fine cherry wine, and you know I just had to have a taste. I don't see why he's all upset, she's a grown ass woman."

So he's ready to roll and Wallendas take on TNT walkabouts AWOL.

WALLENDAS ON A ROLL (and that is how you make a pun dickweeds)

Recent developments in the TNT League have necessitated The Bowling Wallendas to re-group and re-arm themselves for the end run of the season. Therefore before our match with Superfriends TBW met at our secret headquarters and with various members of SEAL Team Six to plot our next move. Thus was formed STRIKE FORCE W. Rigorous training for the next week led to a marked improvement in TBW abilities. Drawing upon the Navy SEAL’s ability to kill and the Wallendas’ ability to bowl we’ve formed a new martial art. It helped us win 3 against Superfriends and another week of intense training allowed us to use those abilities to annihilate, and I do mean annihilate, Pants on the Ground. While we were training and learning this new art Bruce Lee’s ghost visited us, watched our movements and declared it more effective and powerful than even his Jeet Kune Do. Mighty praise indeed from the greatest martial artist the world has ever known. The spirit even added that he’d loved to have given us some tips to help but we had already surpassed him in style and sheer fighting ability. Thanks ghost of Bruce Lee, don’t be a stranger, say hi to Brandon for us.

The name of this new beautiful and deadly style hasn’t been officially decided upon yet; I’m partial to Boogie Woogie One-Ski, but I stole that from a movie called Frost Bite. So we are announcing a competition:

NAME OUR FIGHTING STYLE!!!

Just e-mail me your submissions, limit 20 per reader. A group of judges, and by group I mean the mother fucking supreme court you useless cunts, will pick the best three and we’ll offer those up for voting. Submission deadline is Friday August 12 at 5pm PST. The winning submission will receive absolutely nothing but the chance to bowl with the Wallendas at a time of our choosing.

Now Pants on the Ground or as I call them- our fucking bitches. From the outset it was apparent that something special was in the air. Maybe it was all the time we spent in the sweat lodge leading up to the competition, maybe it was the grilled cheese sandwiches; chances are we’ll never know. But TBW took it directly to the competition right from the start. After roundly defeating the once former champions in game 1 TBW never looked back. By the middle of Game 2 we knew we had won 3 points, but we wanted a clean sweep so no one could say we weren’t the toughest hombres on the block. By the middle of game 3 we were planning on opening a Wallendas themed S&M club because we were DOMINATING THEM. We could have only made it worse by horse whipping them into submission.

Highlights include:

Gard Dog dismantling the 200 barrier again. The police were like “Hey you can’t go there!!!” The Dog was like “Try and stop me pigs!!!” Spoiler alert- They didn’t stop him.

Kevin “Usually I’m a letdown” Meister- Had a great first game and kept the remainder of his scores firmly above average. It turns out my habit of humping the ball return also seemed to stir up some memories in the pants of Gayle. Oh she feigned disgust and dislike at my antics but when I got home I found 76 different napkins with her phone number on it and various disgusting porno graphic drawings. Sorry lady but I don’t give my essence out to just any opponents, I save all my baby batter for one lady and one lady only…Miss 30 Frame Boner herself, Miss May.

Heather “The Album is Almost Ready” Krull – Didn’t have the most auspicious outing but she was coming off a one week lay-off and had spent a lot of time in the studio beating the shit out of anything Kayne can ever come up with.

The big winner of the week was the Trashman, he was stupendous this week. His performance really carried the team to absolute victory. When asked what is best in life he replied: “To Crush Your Enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women”. Seriously the guy was bugging last week. Absolute mayhem caused by him on the lanes.

New team addition in a mascot capacity Shawn “If It Bleeds, I can Fuck It” Clancey made his first appearance at Bayshore. He was instantly swept up into the fervor of Wallendas bowling. The only down point of the night was when he insisted that trailer trash hot girl was in fact actually hot and it wasn’t a trick of the lights. We conceded she was less shiny last Thursday than on previous nights.

The only thing marring the night was the curious absence of Back Door Santa. We alerted our security that they were missing and even called Hack-o-saur but we got nothing. Maybe they pre-bowled, we don’t know but we haven’t given up the search. If you are able to read this BDS brethren STAY ALIVE, NO MATTER WHAT OCCURS, WE WILL FIND YOU!!!

Going forward TBW are hoping to move up in the rankings and make an end run at second or third. Math manipulators Evil Soup have pretty much locked up first as Bowling Bob Panzer a.k.a. Bowl-Bot continues to roll major rocks. Trident seems to put up some serious points even with her ridiculous handicap. I think I speak for all of TNT when I say Evil Soup sucks.

BAYSHORE-AGEDDON STRIKES!!! BDS/TBW JOINT VENTURE!!!

Well Carmageddon passed with nary a whisper, the debt ceiling debate is still a non-starter. But the real tragedy is the media black-out over Bayshore-ageddon. The tandem fairness squad of El Presidente and Il Padrino a.k.a. The Wonder Corruption Twins or as they’re known in Cuba “El Fairness Conquistadores” have completed obliterated all mention of the current strife at Bayshore lanes from all media outlets. I’m pretty sure this blog will be taken down within minutes of it being posted and the key words bayshore, corruption, and balls being picked up by EP’s Cray 6 supercomputer that’s sole purpose is rooting out the truth and corrupting it.

As anyone in the know knows Bayshore lanes has been undergoing a renovation of sorts. A couple seasons ago the bathrooms were remodeled, last season they classed up the bowling alley diner. This season apparently they won’t be happy until they bring the roof down over our heads. In the past I’ve written about the lack of A/C at the lanes. I’ve also speculated that EP likes no A/C because as I’ve heard him say on more than one occasion “I’m hot blooded baby, I need the heat it warms up my balls.” The thing is this current construction is leading to issues with our ability to bowl. Four teams each week will be unable to bowl because pillars restrict the gutters.

Initially Padrino floated the idea of teams meeting on non-league nights to compete. Everyone knows this is horseshit. Teams bowl worse when they don’t have an opponent. It’s simple math. Thing is when I turned a TV last week all the news was about the 405 and its closure. When I asked the league leadership **cough** corruption**cough** why there were no stories on Bayshore I was informed that “The world doesn’t need to know about bayshore.” I’m sorry people but this is ridiculous. The world doesn’t need to know that the Wallendas are suffering through a horrid season because EP’s rule changes have enabled his team to accumulate a 1,765,832 pin handicap? Or that Padrino and his lot have themselves doctored scorecards to take points away from TBW in order to oppress them? League secretary and apparent forgery expert il Padrino said this when questioned:

                                                “The charges of point tampering are

                                                  completely and utterly unfounded.

                                                  Kevin is just trying to justify his teams

                                                 abysmal record. I won’t (drops scorecards)

                                                 DON’T LOOK AT THOSE!!! THOSE ARE FOR

                                                 ANOTHER LEAGUE!!!”

A search of IP’s briefcase turned up various calligraphic devices, the same brand used by moi when I fill out a scoresheet, right down to the ink. Coincidence? No way Jose. TNT is dirtier than Tijuana whore on her lunch break. El Presidente is all for it because he’s been trying to get in on some of that sweet endorsement money that TBW and Backdoor Santa have been pulling in, current estimates have their weekly earnings somewhere in the high nine figures. EP thinks if he can make the Wallendas suffer enough they’ll cave to pressure and open up the profit sharing to the whole league. As captain of the Wallendas and legal counsel to BDS I can tell you guys THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN!!! We would rather suffer through 8 terrible seasons and continually amaze and dazzle fans then to cowtow to these little napoleons.

So I say write your congress person, ask them “WHAT IS GOING WITH CONSTRUCTION AT BAYSHORE LANES?!?!?!?! How come than can finish a multi-million dollar highway project 17 HOURS AHEAD OF SCHEDULE BUT BAYSHORE’S CEILING WILL STILL BE WORKED ON TWO WEEKS FROM NOW???” Only through your help can we hope to begin toppling these dictators. We’ve beat them in the courts, we’ve trounced them in public opinion polls conducted by myself and Dynamite Parish, now we need to get congress involved. Let’s put their feet to the fire, let’s make em sweat.

There’s nothing to do about it I suppose. Even Shotboy and my testimony before congress has yielded zero results. So we press on and here’s a tidbot you’ll enjoy. A few months ago I was base jumping off the Burj Khalifa building in Dubai with BDS captain, and TNT board mole, Shotboy and we got to thinking. We play on two pretty dynamic teams, we rake in billions of dollars monthly in revenue, we are pretty close to discovering a cure for the common cold; why aren’t we in business together to give back to the community? So we’ve just inked a deal that will make you cream your jeans. The Bowling Wallendas and Backdoor Santa are pleased to announce that just in time for Labor day we are opening “The TNT SUPER FANTASTIC WATERPARK!!!” or as Its been nicknamed by the crew “THE GIANT DOUCHER”. The park will cover 87 miles of beautiful Southern California and will consist of 1800 different waterslides. Water slide based variety shows for the whole family, and a life sized replica of Hackasaur, that lovable scamp who trains BDS teammates. Tickets will be a reasonably priced Free for families in need and if you work above middle management for a major or minor corporation, bank, or are an elected official the cost is $8 billion dollars per person and each family member must give up a kidney. So save the date and come on out to our grand opening, get douched with the stars.

Since congress was unwilling to act, despite the impassioned speeches we gave. TBW were forced to post-bowl this past Thursday. The weeks leading up to our Challenge of the Superfriends has been marred by losses, pain, and an evening of over-imbibing (which itself led to an awkward bike ride home). So when going against the Superfriends we were nervous.

The Trashman had himself a pretty sexy night of bowling. He enjoyed dancing with the 200’s all night long. At one point he prepared to roll the ball but instead merely looked at the pins which immediately burst into splinters. After the match he returned his ball to his bag and walked into the distance. Before leaving he said “I’ll be back next week to kick some more of these pussy assholes around.”

Garddog weathered the storm of a fairly average night of bowling. He exploded her early on only to be felled by the fact that since we post bowled no one was there to marvel at our awesomeness. Much like the rare corpse flower without an audience to observe his skills the Garddog will wither and die. By the end of night Adam was worried about keeping his 300 average. His worries were founded as he slipped to a 299 average. His performance was a big disappointment to the whole team. He booked a flight to the Himalayas to get his shit in order.

Heather “Okay Now Cough” Krull couldn’t make it out to the games because she’s back in the studio recording yet another platinum hip-hop record. She’s said that this one is tentatively titled “Rip Yo Azz!!!”, she’s played the single “Biking n Puking” for us and that shit is truly off the hook. She promises to be back next week.

For my part I didn’t suck…in the first game. Then I decided to go back to my original ways and completely let every down. But I don’t know that I can be blamed, I was bowling with a 30 frame boner so that makes rolling the rock difficult at best. The worst part is that when I agreed to post-bowl I also agreed to bowl for children cancer patients. In my defense I was whacked out on Percocet when I agreed to bowl three 300 games for the tumor ridden tykes, but that didn’t make the sting of their accusing terminally ill eyes any less painful. NO MORE CHARITY GAMES FOR ME!!!

I don’t even know who we bowl this week. I assume we’ll either win or lose, but I do know this. It’s going to be fucking hot if we’re on any lanes past 17.

CARMAGEDDON USHERS IN NEW AGE OF LEARNING, WALLENDAS ON THE ROPES, OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE IT'S AWESOME AND SO ARE YOU

This weekend ushers in the biggest cultural event to hit Los Angeles since the King riots of 1992. Sure I know what you’re thinking “Harry Potter Opens Up”. Well that’s not it, Carmageddon approaches, at press time it is a scant few hours away. Angelenos are going apeshit bananas over this Carmageddon rigamarole. My local foodstore has been hit by looters and survivalists big time. I could barely find a jar of capers for my world famous spinach salad. Also due to the looting I’ve had to switch from my usual brand of stilton cheese to a lesser quality sharp cheddar. But we all make sacrifices in the name of progress.

If I may labor a point here on the construction over the weekend; LA would have you believe that the bridge they are re-building is just that; a rebuilt bridge. In fact it’s actually a bridge that will lead to the brand new “Bowling Wallendas Science of Bowling and Awesome Shit Center for the Blind and Everyone Else”. It’s going to be a 27 building campus totally devoted to awesome crap and the science of fucking shit up on the lanes. With a staff of 1200 dedicated educators the center, or as we have affectionately dubbed it “Awesome Knowledge-land”, is going to be the greatest and most comprehensive institute of learning ever built by man or aliens.

Some of the staff you’ll see at our campus:

Guest Lecturer Dynamite Chris Parish – How to leech off your teams’ success and still father a child. Enrollment for this lecture has already met capacity.

Guest lecturer Shot Boy Clint Tabon – Identify the El Presidente in your league. Enrollment for this lecture has already met capacity.

Guest Lecturer El Presidente- Fomenting corruption and propaganda among your peers. Lecture cancelled due to lack of interest. Seriously I didn’t even want to offer him a spot but Guv said it was “the right thing to do.”

Classes offered will range from the standard:

Strikes and you, a symbiotic relationship

Splits- Why they suck and how to avoid them

Spares- It’s like kissing your cousin but they get the job done

To the arcane:

The Star Wars Trilogy, why we pretend the prequels didn’t happen.

Harry Potter and how it enabled same sex marriage in Iowa

The Perfect Pasta sauce and world peace, it’s real and it’s happening now

The problem is though, that in the golden light of a new school opening the Wallendas are suffering through the worst season in their professional careers. This season started out with much promise; the re-building of the long dormant Wallendas farm system*, the introduction of shirts that both shame and praise player performance, and a renewed interest in beer has been slowly denigrating into a nightmare of epic proportions. I lose sleep daily at work over how to improve our lot in TNT. Sadly I think my only option is to either improve my game or let it sink so low that my handicap becomes a 110.

Personally I have faith the rest of the team can turn it around. Just this week we jumped four spots from 9^th to 5th. Team quiet man Adam “We May Have To Start Calling Him Brooklyn” Gard said:

                                                “Yeah right now we’re terrible and it’s kind of

                                                  all my fault. I just had to go to a wedding and

                                                  fishing trip. Maybe I should consider the team

                                                  more, because this whole “lone wolf” thing?

                                                  Yeah I don’t know about that.”

Other teams point out that we have been inconsistent. In fact four teams pointed it out to us via e-mail during the week. Attendees of TNT will note that those four teams were not present last night. TNT Propaganda Czar, and all around shady character, Tony “Il Padrino” Cortese would have you believe it’s due to Bayshore Lanes construction. I’m here to tell you the truth, those teams are dead. I’m not saying how they died all I’m saying is that if you see any members of those teams bowling they were replaced by automatons that I created out of cow shit and dreams.

Actually at a team meeting held late last night in the Australian Outback…. Steakhouse in Torrance** the team discussed many reasons why they may not be performing as well as they usually do. It all came down to handicap. TBW doesn’t have one, except for me of course. But how well would you bowl if you lost both your arms in a gator attack and were forced to bowl using a jerry-rigged system of twine and promises? Probably not as well as I do so BACK THE FUCK OFF MOTHERFUCKERS!!! But handicap has become an increasingly tense issue for the squad. Team beanstalk and snappy dresser Chris “Trashman” Jones offered this opinion:

“We face teams lately with 700, 1200,

and 13,000,000 pin handicaps. Sure we end

every game within 70 pins, but how in

the hell are we supposed to overcome that

defecit with only 10 frames? And me with

these old and outdated metal legs?”

What he says rings true. It seems as if the handicap debate has reached new heights of annoyance. Bowlers with subpar teams like El Presidente (pttueey***) and Il Padrino (a thousand curse on your family sir) are in favor of what has been dubbed the “Precious Snowflake” handicap system. Fervent John Birch  Society member and proud gun owner Heather “Doc, Doc, Goose” Krull put her two cents in:

“This system goes against the tenets of the

constitution and it’s downright communist.

What gets me most is I’m pretty sure they’ve

tied this bullshit handicap system somehow

into Obamacare. Fucking commies, always

 fornicating all over the bill of rights.

Fuck this I’m going duck hunting.”

When Adam told her he was pretty sure it isn’t duck season, Heather stared him down and called him a “giant pussy”. I personally saw Adam cry and when I pointed out that by crying he was pretty much proving her right he fucking karate chopped my neck and round house kicked me to the ground. Standing over me he then proclaimed:

                                                “Who’s the pussy now you bitch?!?!”

The karate chop to my throat hampered my ability to point out that getting suckered punched, while does go miles in making me a bitch, doesn’t really mean I’m a pussy.

The meeting fell apart amid squabbles, tipping discrepancies, and everyone wanting to eat the blooming onion**** but no one besides me wanting to pay for it. It’s no matter as Carmageddon approaches the team will be going into seclusion in our mountain top retreat. It’s the only place in the world that allows us the time and space to reach bowling zen. Maybe it’s because it’s 900 million square miles big and contains 4000 bowling alleys simulating all types of weather and sociological conditions. One alley is solely dedicated to what I like to call “The Glass Wall” effect. For 3 full games the rest of the lanes are filled with Glass Wall Clones (grown from his sweat and a pair of discarded suit pants he left in the men’s room) these clones duplicate the annoyance of bowling next to Glass Wall perfectly. Lesser bowlers have lost their minds in that room, TBW utilized that room extensively prior to their match-up and took 4 points from THWR. So we’ll prepare for our battle with Super Friends next week. For my part I’ll be spending the weekend learning how to bowl with a 30 frame boner. BDS backbone and prime client Hacksaw is loaning me some of the beautiful waitresses employed on the Hack-o-Whirl to entice me while I struggle to hit my incredibly low and ridiculous average of 135. Adam is going to watch 9000 hours of footage of every strike he’s ever made in a 72 hour span. Chris Jones has decided to remove one of his kidneys in order to give himself more mobility on his throw. He’ll do this on his own using nothing more than the power of his mind. Heather Krull is going to spend the weekend laying down some phat ass beats for her upcoming solo album “Thrill Killa”.

*Left dormant because former captain and all around jerk Heather “Doc” Krull didn’t have foresight enough to see that athletes age, even the good ones like me.

**Thanks for the use of the Hack-o-Whirl Hacksaw, we owe you. Or better yet I’ll just shave 3 hours off of my billable hours.

***That’s a spitting sound, I’ve decided to go all Eastern European and spit whenever EP’s (pttueey) name is mentioned.

****Yes at Outback it’s called a Bloomin Onion, Applebee’s has the Awesome Blossom. Don’t fuck with me son, I’ll take you down.

WORLDWIDE RIOTS ERUPT!!! El Presidente Makes Another Play for even MORE Power!!! Operation Cream Jeans is BACK!!!

Worldwide riots, rivaling the Arab Spring have erupted since the announcement that the Wallendas have seceded and formed their own country. My apartment alone was flooded with 340,000 refugees of various nationalities seeking political asylum. It’s estimated that all territories belonging to Wallendas have collectively processed some 1.4 million displaced persons hoping to become citizens of Wallendia. Let me say it hear folks, we don’t want your stinky tired, dirty, and poor. We’re making mad duckets on endorsements and don’t have any need for immigrants.*

This has been an insane week. The Guv is still abroad trying to hunt down jackelopes (the kid swears they’re real) so we needed a sub. I’ve exhausted my resources so I turned to a fellow captain with the initials MB. She promised me one of her rising stars from the Honey Badger DGAS farm system. When following up earlier to reach a mutually beneficial agreement as to this particular player’s use I was rudely informed by MB:

                                                “They’re subbing for me folio. Did you honestly think

                                                   I would give you one of my rising stars? I oughtta

                                                   toss a Chinese throwing star in your honky eye. Man

                                                   You are one dumb Midwestern hick.”

Those are the kinds words that hurt. When I asked her where all the hostility was coming from I was greeted with this non-sensical response:

                                                “I’m Korean, I eat puppies for breakfast. How do you

                                                  like those apples?”

I seriously have no idea what she meant with that? Whatever I’m turning the other cheek and killing her with kindness. Did I mention what a fantastic human being she is?

So that part of the week sucked, then it got even worse for the Wallendas. We bowled a man down last week and won the first game. Going on to lose the next two games and the pin count at the end. Well I took a gander at the league results and WE GOT FUCKING SCREWED!!! That El president is one sneaky keed. He waited until it was too late to do anything and look what happens, twice this season we get fucked out of points. Well points don’t matter, because true Wallendas fans (and we don’t have any band-wagoners cause well, fuck that noise that’s why) know we’ll bounce back. Once all the hoopla gets cleared and my moron squad realizes showing up for games is more important than anything else in the world then we’ll stick it to El Presidente and his little dog too. The guy has become such a fucking thorn in my side I’m seriously considering violating UN law and having him killed.

Returning to the fray tonight is The Trashman who has relapsed into a pretty intense and scary huffing addiction. He says he can quit anytime. I say who gives a shit if he rolls strikes? Huffing doesn’t disqualify him according to league by-laws so huff away big man, huff away.

Heather Krull violated the sanctity of The Deadly Jaguar Award last week cause she was a hammered mess. If she tries that shit tonight she understands she’ll be getting a grade “A” class one throat punch from yours truly.

Tonight we’ve got a surging Spare Parts team. I’m not worried last season I got in their heads and that’s where I stayed all night long. I’m pretty sure after the matches those three chicks went home with damper panties than they showed up with. Hey ladies, you’re welcome…it’s what I do. So tonight it’s back to operation “Cream Jeans”. I’m confident we’ll demolish them.

*This editorial was finished and ready for publish but since this statement Wallendia has granted legal residency to 600,000 persons around the globe. Mostly women, definitely nurses.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! THIS IS FUCKING HUGE!!!

No that isn’t what all of Back Door Santa’s mother’s were saying about my wang; well it is, but it isn’t what I was referring to in the title. No there was some very big news this week. The Wallendas have officially decided to secede from the good old US of A.

Why you ask? Aren’t you patriots? Well I’ll tell you what kids, we are patriots but we aren’t getting a fair shake. Two weeks ago my car was towed under suspicious circumstances. Once I got it out of impound I was horrified to see that it looked like hobos had been living in it for months. El Presidente himself even posted on his facebook about it:

El Presidente is: Going through Meister’s car looking for all them gold dubloons he keeps thurr. Lol think I’ll piss in the glove.

Well that’s it folks. I tried to bring suit immediately but even Barack Obama, who although I don’t agree with everything he does he has become a close personal friend, was stymied in trying to get congress to push through legislation. It seems El Presidente has finally done it and bought enough lobbying power to control congress. So after a 135 hour meeting with the Wallendas and some late night calls from the UN and the White House we’ve officially decided to secede. Our new country will be called Wallendia and our currency will be Wallendollars. Our territory roughly comprises 20,000 square feet spread over Los Angeles, Santa Monica, and Culver City some of it rented. We also went ahead and registered the seven stars of the Orion constellation and under UN Directive 364 it will now be known as Wallendas’ Belt.

While we’re sorting out the constitution and other details know that the only reason we did this is because now we have an extradition treaty with the US Government and once El Presidente violates a Wallendas Law we can try him under our court system which will be governed by the just and wise Brooklyn Trashman Chris Jones. Who said this about the potential conviction of El Prez:

                                                “Get him in my living room, I mean court room

                                                  and I’ll have him sent to prison so fast he won’t

                                                 even know he’s being prison raped.”

Some odd announcements you may have missed. Since incorporating as a country China has pegged their currency to the Wallendollar because well it’s trading at 10 euros to 1 Wallendollar. Due to my outrageous hourly legal fee ($50,000/hr and a $900million retainer) not to mention our team endorsement deals (we cleared $975 trillion last month) we’ve become the 3^rd largest economy in the world and being the amazing bowlers we are we stand to clear whatever is above a trillion this month. So if you’re looking for something fun to do this summer come to beautiful Wallendia where you are not able to use a hot tub because our countries’ first traitor Heather “Yeah I’m a fucking doctor what of it” Krull got rid of the one and only hot tub in our most glorious nation.

Thanks to last week’s 4-0 drubbing of That’s How We Roll, Adam “I’m on Vacation go fuck yourself” Gard decided to hold his IPO on Monday. What’s the IPO for? Well himself silly. He has personal endorsements, that’s not team endorsements, in excess of $500million a month. $350million of those endorsements are from the people who make Bruce Lee t-shirts and simply want people to see Adam wearing said shirts. It’s kind of like my $60million deal to wear the “Stupid” tees in the “I’m With Stupid” combo. His initial IPO was $6k a share but rose to $35k before lunch. It has not dipped below $30k all week and is expected to split before next Wednesday.

Part of last week’s win would not have been possible without the aid of The Trashman. He saw a problem, Glass Wall, and he fixed it by throwing a discarded mung rag in that doucher’s face. That, and not the fact that G Dubs was high on something other than life, were instrumental in defeating That’s How We Roll.

Ryan “They Call me Hambone, but they should call me Sub of the Year” Adams came up big again for TBW by literally eating the ass of THWR. I think the guy is either a cyborg or a robot called “The Strike Machine 6000”, he is that fucking good. After last Thursday he was put on the Wallendas payroll and now receives a monthly stipend of $200billion. He was heard to say he plans to blow most of it at the spearmint rhino hiring strippers to watch him play Portal 2.

Personally it looks like I found some semblance of a throw and have no problem using it as I finally broke the 160 ceiling this season. I still bowled like shit but it felt nice to help out the team at least a little.

The Doc makes her return tonight after a week off to measure radiowaves or some other bullshit excuse she plans to use.

So watch out Shady Mutha Rollers. We’re dead set on keeping our streak alive and kicking your lazy fucking asses.

Golden Bowler Designer KO Speaks, Lauer blushes, we all learn about life and ourselves

Trust me this is a still of KO with Lauer

While I came up with the idea for the golden bowler design it took another, with mad skillz*, to truly bring it to life. He only goes by KO as his identity must be kept secret for reasons I’ll go into in a minute. KO is, aside from me, the only surviving team member from the golden bowler design. I know I’ve pretty much eliminated everyone else who participated in its creation but I just couldn’t do that to KO. His ability to make real what was in my skull and improve on it is a mark of true genius. To that end I am posting excerpts of his Today Show interview that sadly will never be broadcast**. I wish I could post the entire interview but it was actually 72 hours in length. If you want to read it in its entirety then you should visit the national archives:

Isn't it glorious?

Matt Lauer- By now I’m sure you’ve already seen or heard about this magnificent design sweeping the world. It started as a pick-me-up for the most dynamic, show-stopping, electrifying bowling teams in history that has since fallen on some tough times. Well today we’re going to speak with the artist who created the design and find out more about him and his work. With me now is NAME REDACTED and he’s ready to tell his story. So NAME REDACTED, when did you come up with this design?

KO- Actually Matt, can I call you Matt? (Lauer nods) I didn’t come up with the design itself. Rather Meister, the greatest captain in bowling history, came up with the idea and asked if I could hone it, make it better. Initially I was a little worried because it’s a truly radical design. But the more I stared at his rather crude designs the more it spoke to me. I went from not wanting to anything to do with the drawing to not wanting to be more than 5 feet away from it at a time.

ML- Really? So you took it with you everywhere you went?

KO- I still do as a matter of fact. I had it tattooed on my chest upside down so at times during the day I can just pull my shirt up and stare at it’s beauty.

ML- That’s interesting you say that. Did you know in one week that this has become the most tattooed design in the history of mankind. With a number of people placing it on their body just like you, upside down?

KO- I didn’t know that but it makes sense. Someone said when they saw the design that it taps into something primordial and base. We don’t know what it’s trying to tell us but we want to listen all the same. You should get a tattoo of it.

ML- (lifts shirt reveals upside down Golden Bowler design) I’m a step ahead of you. Now it hasn’t all been a rosy ride since the shirt was unveiled at the Hague last week has it?

KO- No it hasn’t actually, it turns out the North Koreans are up in arms about the design because Kim Jong Il says he designed it and now he wants me dead.

ML- That’s scary. Have the Wallendas offered to help you?

KO- Oh yeah they’ve all been really great. Adam is a trained ninja you know and even runs a ninja school using the orphans of the people he’s killed as students. He’s loaned me 35 7^th year students to be my around the clock guard. Plus Kevin sent Kim Jong a letter indicating that If anything happens to me then the Trashman is going to put a hurt on Pyongyang. So it should cool off.

A proud Wallenda displays the shirt.

**Later during the cooking segment Matt Lauer asks guest chef Emeril Lagasse to leave so that he and KO can cook up something good**

ML- And if we add just the right amount of wood grain alcohol you’ve got a perfect punch?

KO- This is guaranteed to get you some tail Matt.

ML- Ha ha, I’ve never really had a problem with that I’m Matt Lauer.

KO- hey sometimes we all need a little help (turns to the window audience) Am I right? (A woman holding a sign saying “Kevin Call Me, I’m Late” cheers KO on)

**Later still somewhere around hour 18. Lauer at this point is visibly drunk**

ML- Judy Tenuta, Katie Couric, Hillary Clinton. You gotta fuck one, kill one, and marry one…GO!!!

KO- I’m not really comfortable with…

ML- I could kiss you.

***Even Later still***

KO- And that’s the first time I climbed Everest.

ML- Wow, and you were able to get the medicine to the village in time to save Chim Chim?

KO- Well Matt you may know Chim Chim better under his stage name, Neil Patrick Harris.

ML- HOLY FUCK!!!

***Finally against his wishes Lauer is forced to wrap up the interview because KO has to get to the negotiating table with NFL Team Owners and the Players Union***

ML- So what’s next for NAME REDACTED?

KO- Well I’ve already made 75 billion dollars off of my cut so I figure I can take a couple weeks off. I’m going to do some fishing in Montana and then I want to build a boat out of boba fett action figures and sail around the world. I already have a commission from the Met here in town to totally re-design all the artwork hanging in its hallowed halls, but that doesn’t start until August. So right now I’m not doing anything; but I’m always designing right here (points to head) and here (places hand over heart).

ML- That was mad fucking poignant. I have tears in my eyes and a new found respect for life. Thank you for your time, I wish you all the best of luck.

KO- Suck it Lauer.

And that’s all she wrote folks. Much love to KO for the kick ass design. He, just like it, will go down in the annals of history as pure genius.

*The "z" denotes how truly mad those skills are.

**Sadly we cannot print his full name or show his face because the amount of women the design has impregnated would file multiple paternity suits. I’ll allow Hacksaw and BDS to help me stave off any gold diggers.



Golden Bowler Unveiled TONIGHT!!! Group Orgasms, and El Presidente...What A Jerk

In a few short hours the design that will make or break the Wallendas season will be unveiled. It’s been a tough few years keeping this bad boy under wraps until the perfect time. El Presidente himself has tried one last ditch effort to get a glimpse, and therefore the secrets, of the Wallendas Golden Bowler award. In his most recent attempt he sent three thugs to find the bunker’s entrance. They found the entrance of course but they also found a defensive system based on biometrics. So in honor of El Presidente’s latest blunder here are some more Bunker Fun Facts:

-          To get to the bunker one must traverse 35 miles of underground tunnels

-          Travel is managed with a gold gilded, solo seat, monorail operating under top secret super conductor technology.

-          Security is biometric and the defenses are only programmed to accept two people; myself and the adjutant who will be placing the shirt in the bunker right about now.

-          The adjutant position is a suicide mission as once he locks the shirt in the bunker the defenses will no longer recognize his biometric pattern and kill him with a rail gun.

-          About 6:30pm the bunker will self-destruct. All the computers will melt down and the tunnels will fill with excess grain that could be used to feed the poor. Fuck the poor.

The thing is there are a couple people in this world I’ve entrusted the secrets of the design to. People I know who would kill their mother before they reveal the secrets of it. Why would I tell these non-bowlers and keep my team in the dark? Well my team would want to put in their input but they have zero taste. Here’s some random samplings of what they said when viewing the design for the first time:

“Breath-taking, absolutely breathtaking.”

“I feel like this is something that we’ve always had in our collective subconscious but couldn’t express. You’re unleashing it’s raw dog nastiness for the entire world to experience.”

“If you broadcast this design simultaneously across the globe half the world would just plain freak out and the rest of us would simply lose our shit completely.”

“Remember that time we were talking about Jesus and Fergie and just quoting the Good Guys? This design is like that except it gives me a firmer boner.”

“I have no idea what the word ‘Zeitgeist’ means, but I’m pretty sure this defines it.”

The nuns who wove the shirt out of finely spun moon rock committed a group suicide this morning after renouncing their vows of chastity and realizing the shirt would never come back to them.

18 of the SWAT and Seal team members assigned to guard the shirt have attempted to use the shirt to fuel their masturbatory fantasies.

No one knows how the Wallendas will react to such an awesome and beautiful display of man committing his eternal struggle with nature to paper but all signs point to kicking ass.

So if around 6:30pm you feel the earth shake, well that’s just every girl at TNT Bowling orgasming at once. And that dear readers, is how I do.

A Shirt Made from Moon Rock?

I am just about set to unveil the design for The Bowling Wallendas Golden Bowler award. It’s been three years in the making and finally it is complete. It’s going to turn heads, cure the sick and infirm, and if used correctly can bring about world peace. Those are some pretty lofty goals for a simple t-shirt design you say? Fuck you I say. You haven’t seen it. It’s fucking glorious; it’s a master work of bowling design. It is to bowling awards as penicillin is to infections. Like, if I took it to LACMA and hung it in the bathroom it would be the most visited bathroom on 6 continents*.

I’m really not set to unveil the design until Thursday night, so no sneak-peaksies. Plus I’d rather not jinx it as it’s being flown over from the Vatican on Air Force 1, where Benedict himself was getting blessed by the design. Once it lands in LA it’ll be taken, under S.W.A.T. and S.E.A.L. team guard, directly to Bayshore Lanes. Once there it will be guarded by genetically modified Ligers until such time as I arrive, ritually kill the Ligers, eat their hearts to absorb their abilities, and remove it from the bunker.

What bunker? Did you notice that there is no A/C at Bayshore? That’s kind of my fault. You see I knew a couple years ago that I would need to safehouse the shirt for a mere 2 hours at Bayshore and one of those namby pamby lockers wouldn’t due. So I designed a bunker that sits 280ft below the lanes, but it's existence makes A/C there impossible. Here are some bunker fun facts:

-       80ft below ground it is surrounded on all sides by 65miles of concrete made from human remains and grit.

-       Construction of the bunker caused the collapse of the Greek, Irish, Portugese, and soon France’s economies.

-       The movie Footloose foretold the creation of this bunker.

-       The movie Jack Goes Boating is based on the bunker’s construction

-       Lady Gaga’s song “Born This Way” has nothing to do with the bunker, and I’d like to keep it that way

-       Once the shirt is removed the bunker will be destroyed.

-       1,436 people lost their lives during the construction of the bunker

-       55 of those deaths were due to a cave-in caused by a man named “Jordan”.

-       The bunker can withstand the combined might of the US and Russian nuclear arsenal

-       Everyone who worked on the bunker and survived made a pact to blind themselves and cut out their tongues so they could never pass along it’s secrets.

-       One construction worker wanted to start calling the bunker “Archie” in homage to “All in the Family”, he is dead.

There is also another shirt being unveiled Thursday night. It too has the power to destroy nations but it won’t be as sought after because this shirt will be made from regular cotton fibers; not moon rock, like the Golden Bowler shirt, moon rock spun so tightly it feels like the lightest gossamer. Honestly it's like angels hugging you constantly.

Make sure to stop by the Wallendas on Thursday to see what’s new with them. Don't forget to wear your big boy pants.

*I say six because there are only like 2 bathrooms on Antarctica and I hear they get tons of foot traffic.