WORLDWIDE RIOTS ERUPT!!! El Presidente Makes Another Play for even MORE Power!!! Operation Cream Jeans is BACK!!!

Worldwide riots, rivaling the Arab Spring have erupted since the announcement that the Wallendas have seceded and formed their own country. My apartment alone was flooded with 340,000 refugees of various nationalities seeking political asylum. It’s estimated that all territories belonging to Wallendas have collectively processed some 1.4 million displaced persons hoping to become citizens of Wallendia. Let me say it hear folks, we don’t want your stinky tired, dirty, and poor. We’re making mad duckets on endorsements and don’t have any need for immigrants.*

This has been an insane week. The Guv is still abroad trying to hunt down jackelopes (the kid swears they’re real) so we needed a sub. I’ve exhausted my resources so I turned to a fellow captain with the initials MB. She promised me one of her rising stars from the Honey Badger DGAS farm system. When following up earlier to reach a mutually beneficial agreement as to this particular player’s use I was rudely informed by MB:

                                                “They’re subbing for me folio. Did you honestly think

                                                   I would give you one of my rising stars? I oughtta

                                                   toss a Chinese throwing star in your honky eye. Man

                                                   You are one dumb Midwestern hick.”

Those are the kinds words that hurt. When I asked her where all the hostility was coming from I was greeted with this non-sensical response:

                                                “I’m Korean, I eat puppies for breakfast. How do you

                                                  like those apples?”

I seriously have no idea what she meant with that? Whatever I’m turning the other cheek and killing her with kindness. Did I mention what a fantastic human being she is?

So that part of the week sucked, then it got even worse for the Wallendas. We bowled a man down last week and won the first game. Going on to lose the next two games and the pin count at the end. Well I took a gander at the league results and WE GOT FUCKING SCREWED!!! That El president is one sneaky keed. He waited until it was too late to do anything and look what happens, twice this season we get fucked out of points. Well points don’t matter, because true Wallendas fans (and we don’t have any band-wagoners cause well, fuck that noise that’s why) know we’ll bounce back. Once all the hoopla gets cleared and my moron squad realizes showing up for games is more important than anything else in the world then we’ll stick it to El Presidente and his little dog too. The guy has become such a fucking thorn in my side I’m seriously considering violating UN law and having him killed.

Returning to the fray tonight is The Trashman who has relapsed into a pretty intense and scary huffing addiction. He says he can quit anytime. I say who gives a shit if he rolls strikes? Huffing doesn’t disqualify him according to league by-laws so huff away big man, huff away.

Heather Krull violated the sanctity of The Deadly Jaguar Award last week cause she was a hammered mess. If she tries that shit tonight she understands she’ll be getting a grade “A” class one throat punch from yours truly.

Tonight we’ve got a surging Spare Parts team. I’m not worried last season I got in their heads and that’s where I stayed all night long. I’m pretty sure after the matches those three chicks went home with damper panties than they showed up with. Hey ladies, you’re welcome…it’s what I do. So tonight it’s back to operation “Cream Jeans”. I’m confident we’ll demolish them.

*This editorial was finished and ready for publish but since this statement Wallendia has granted legal residency to 600,000 persons around the globe. Mostly women, definitely nurses.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! THIS IS FUCKING HUGE!!!

No that isn’t what all of Back Door Santa’s mother’s were saying about my wang; well it is, but it isn’t what I was referring to in the title. No there was some very big news this week. The Wallendas have officially decided to secede from the good old US of A.

Why you ask? Aren’t you patriots? Well I’ll tell you what kids, we are patriots but we aren’t getting a fair shake. Two weeks ago my car was towed under suspicious circumstances. Once I got it out of impound I was horrified to see that it looked like hobos had been living in it for months. El Presidente himself even posted on his facebook about it:

El Presidente is: Going through Meister’s car looking for all them gold dubloons he keeps thurr. Lol think I’ll piss in the glove.

Well that’s it folks. I tried to bring suit immediately but even Barack Obama, who although I don’t agree with everything he does he has become a close personal friend, was stymied in trying to get congress to push through legislation. It seems El Presidente has finally done it and bought enough lobbying power to control congress. So after a 135 hour meeting with the Wallendas and some late night calls from the UN and the White House we’ve officially decided to secede. Our new country will be called Wallendia and our currency will be Wallendollars. Our territory roughly comprises 20,000 square feet spread over Los Angeles, Santa Monica, and Culver City some of it rented. We also went ahead and registered the seven stars of the Orion constellation and under UN Directive 364 it will now be known as Wallendas’ Belt.

While we’re sorting out the constitution and other details know that the only reason we did this is because now we have an extradition treaty with the US Government and once El Presidente violates a Wallendas Law we can try him under our court system which will be governed by the just and wise Brooklyn Trashman Chris Jones. Who said this about the potential conviction of El Prez:

                                                “Get him in my living room, I mean court room

                                                  and I’ll have him sent to prison so fast he won’t

                                                 even know he’s being prison raped.”

Some odd announcements you may have missed. Since incorporating as a country China has pegged their currency to the Wallendollar because well it’s trading at 10 euros to 1 Wallendollar. Due to my outrageous hourly legal fee ($50,000/hr and a $900million retainer) not to mention our team endorsement deals (we cleared $975 trillion last month) we’ve become the 3^rd largest economy in the world and being the amazing bowlers we are we stand to clear whatever is above a trillion this month. So if you’re looking for something fun to do this summer come to beautiful Wallendia where you are not able to use a hot tub because our countries’ first traitor Heather “Yeah I’m a fucking doctor what of it” Krull got rid of the one and only hot tub in our most glorious nation.

Thanks to last week’s 4-0 drubbing of That’s How We Roll, Adam “I’m on Vacation go fuck yourself” Gard decided to hold his IPO on Monday. What’s the IPO for? Well himself silly. He has personal endorsements, that’s not team endorsements, in excess of $500million a month. $350million of those endorsements are from the people who make Bruce Lee t-shirts and simply want people to see Adam wearing said shirts. It’s kind of like my $60million deal to wear the “Stupid” tees in the “I’m With Stupid” combo. His initial IPO was $6k a share but rose to $35k before lunch. It has not dipped below $30k all week and is expected to split before next Wednesday.

Part of last week’s win would not have been possible without the aid of The Trashman. He saw a problem, Glass Wall, and he fixed it by throwing a discarded mung rag in that doucher’s face. That, and not the fact that G Dubs was high on something other than life, were instrumental in defeating That’s How We Roll.

Ryan “They Call me Hambone, but they should call me Sub of the Year” Adams came up big again for TBW by literally eating the ass of THWR. I think the guy is either a cyborg or a robot called “The Strike Machine 6000”, he is that fucking good. After last Thursday he was put on the Wallendas payroll and now receives a monthly stipend of $200billion. He was heard to say he plans to blow most of it at the spearmint rhino hiring strippers to watch him play Portal 2.

Personally it looks like I found some semblance of a throw and have no problem using it as I finally broke the 160 ceiling this season. I still bowled like shit but it felt nice to help out the team at least a little.

The Doc makes her return tonight after a week off to measure radiowaves or some other bullshit excuse she plans to use.

So watch out Shady Mutha Rollers. We’re dead set on keeping our streak alive and kicking your lazy fucking asses.

Golden Bowler Designer KO Speaks, Lauer blushes, we all learn about life and ourselves

Trust me this is a still of KO with Lauer

While I came up with the idea for the golden bowler design it took another, with mad skillz*, to truly bring it to life. He only goes by KO as his identity must be kept secret for reasons I’ll go into in a minute. KO is, aside from me, the only surviving team member from the golden bowler design. I know I’ve pretty much eliminated everyone else who participated in its creation but I just couldn’t do that to KO. His ability to make real what was in my skull and improve on it is a mark of true genius. To that end I am posting excerpts of his Today Show interview that sadly will never be broadcast**. I wish I could post the entire interview but it was actually 72 hours in length. If you want to read it in its entirety then you should visit the national archives:

Isn't it glorious?

Matt Lauer- By now I’m sure you’ve already seen or heard about this magnificent design sweeping the world. It started as a pick-me-up for the most dynamic, show-stopping, electrifying bowling teams in history that has since fallen on some tough times. Well today we’re going to speak with the artist who created the design and find out more about him and his work. With me now is NAME REDACTED and he’s ready to tell his story. So NAME REDACTED, when did you come up with this design?

KO- Actually Matt, can I call you Matt? (Lauer nods) I didn’t come up with the design itself. Rather Meister, the greatest captain in bowling history, came up with the idea and asked if I could hone it, make it better. Initially I was a little worried because it’s a truly radical design. But the more I stared at his rather crude designs the more it spoke to me. I went from not wanting to anything to do with the drawing to not wanting to be more than 5 feet away from it at a time.

ML- Really? So you took it with you everywhere you went?

KO- I still do as a matter of fact. I had it tattooed on my chest upside down so at times during the day I can just pull my shirt up and stare at it’s beauty.

ML- That’s interesting you say that. Did you know in one week that this has become the most tattooed design in the history of mankind. With a number of people placing it on their body just like you, upside down?

KO- I didn’t know that but it makes sense. Someone said when they saw the design that it taps into something primordial and base. We don’t know what it’s trying to tell us but we want to listen all the same. You should get a tattoo of it.

ML- (lifts shirt reveals upside down Golden Bowler design) I’m a step ahead of you. Now it hasn’t all been a rosy ride since the shirt was unveiled at the Hague last week has it?

KO- No it hasn’t actually, it turns out the North Koreans are up in arms about the design because Kim Jong Il says he designed it and now he wants me dead.

ML- That’s scary. Have the Wallendas offered to help you?

KO- Oh yeah they’ve all been really great. Adam is a trained ninja you know and even runs a ninja school using the orphans of the people he’s killed as students. He’s loaned me 35 7^th year students to be my around the clock guard. Plus Kevin sent Kim Jong a letter indicating that If anything happens to me then the Trashman is going to put a hurt on Pyongyang. So it should cool off.

A proud Wallenda displays the shirt.

**Later during the cooking segment Matt Lauer asks guest chef Emeril Lagasse to leave so that he and KO can cook up something good**

ML- And if we add just the right amount of wood grain alcohol you’ve got a perfect punch?

KO- This is guaranteed to get you some tail Matt.

ML- Ha ha, I’ve never really had a problem with that I’m Matt Lauer.

KO- hey sometimes we all need a little help (turns to the window audience) Am I right? (A woman holding a sign saying “Kevin Call Me, I’m Late” cheers KO on)

**Later still somewhere around hour 18. Lauer at this point is visibly drunk**

ML- Judy Tenuta, Katie Couric, Hillary Clinton. You gotta fuck one, kill one, and marry one…GO!!!

KO- I’m not really comfortable with…

ML- I could kiss you.

***Even Later still***

KO- And that’s the first time I climbed Everest.

ML- Wow, and you were able to get the medicine to the village in time to save Chim Chim?

KO- Well Matt you may know Chim Chim better under his stage name, Neil Patrick Harris.

ML- HOLY FUCK!!!

***Finally against his wishes Lauer is forced to wrap up the interview because KO has to get to the negotiating table with NFL Team Owners and the Players Union***

ML- So what’s next for NAME REDACTED?

KO- Well I’ve already made 75 billion dollars off of my cut so I figure I can take a couple weeks off. I’m going to do some fishing in Montana and then I want to build a boat out of boba fett action figures and sail around the world. I already have a commission from the Met here in town to totally re-design all the artwork hanging in its hallowed halls, but that doesn’t start until August. So right now I’m not doing anything; but I’m always designing right here (points to head) and here (places hand over heart).

ML- That was mad fucking poignant. I have tears in my eyes and a new found respect for life. Thank you for your time, I wish you all the best of luck.

KO- Suck it Lauer.

And that’s all she wrote folks. Much love to KO for the kick ass design. He, just like it, will go down in the annals of history as pure genius.

*The "z" denotes how truly mad those skills are.

**Sadly we cannot print his full name or show his face because the amount of women the design has impregnated would file multiple paternity suits. I’ll allow Hacksaw and BDS to help me stave off any gold diggers.



Golden Bowler Unveiled TONIGHT!!! Group Orgasms, and El Presidente...What A Jerk

In a few short hours the design that will make or break the Wallendas season will be unveiled. It’s been a tough few years keeping this bad boy under wraps until the perfect time. El Presidente himself has tried one last ditch effort to get a glimpse, and therefore the secrets, of the Wallendas Golden Bowler award. In his most recent attempt he sent three thugs to find the bunker’s entrance. They found the entrance of course but they also found a defensive system based on biometrics. So in honor of El Presidente’s latest blunder here are some more Bunker Fun Facts:

-          To get to the bunker one must traverse 35 miles of underground tunnels

-          Travel is managed with a gold gilded, solo seat, monorail operating under top secret super conductor technology.

-          Security is biometric and the defenses are only programmed to accept two people; myself and the adjutant who will be placing the shirt in the bunker right about now.

-          The adjutant position is a suicide mission as once he locks the shirt in the bunker the defenses will no longer recognize his biometric pattern and kill him with a rail gun.

-          About 6:30pm the bunker will self-destruct. All the computers will melt down and the tunnels will fill with excess grain that could be used to feed the poor. Fuck the poor.

The thing is there are a couple people in this world I’ve entrusted the secrets of the design to. People I know who would kill their mother before they reveal the secrets of it. Why would I tell these non-bowlers and keep my team in the dark? Well my team would want to put in their input but they have zero taste. Here’s some random samplings of what they said when viewing the design for the first time:

“Breath-taking, absolutely breathtaking.”

“I feel like this is something that we’ve always had in our collective subconscious but couldn’t express. You’re unleashing it’s raw dog nastiness for the entire world to experience.”

“If you broadcast this design simultaneously across the globe half the world would just plain freak out and the rest of us would simply lose our shit completely.”

“Remember that time we were talking about Jesus and Fergie and just quoting the Good Guys? This design is like that except it gives me a firmer boner.”

“I have no idea what the word ‘Zeitgeist’ means, but I’m pretty sure this defines it.”

The nuns who wove the shirt out of finely spun moon rock committed a group suicide this morning after renouncing their vows of chastity and realizing the shirt would never come back to them.

18 of the SWAT and Seal team members assigned to guard the shirt have attempted to use the shirt to fuel their masturbatory fantasies.

No one knows how the Wallendas will react to such an awesome and beautiful display of man committing his eternal struggle with nature to paper but all signs point to kicking ass.

So if around 6:30pm you feel the earth shake, well that’s just every girl at TNT Bowling orgasming at once. And that dear readers, is how I do.

A Shirt Made from Moon Rock?

I am just about set to unveil the design for The Bowling Wallendas Golden Bowler award. It’s been three years in the making and finally it is complete. It’s going to turn heads, cure the sick and infirm, and if used correctly can bring about world peace. Those are some pretty lofty goals for a simple t-shirt design you say? Fuck you I say. You haven’t seen it. It’s fucking glorious; it’s a master work of bowling design. It is to bowling awards as penicillin is to infections. Like, if I took it to LACMA and hung it in the bathroom it would be the most visited bathroom on 6 continents*.

I’m really not set to unveil the design until Thursday night, so no sneak-peaksies. Plus I’d rather not jinx it as it’s being flown over from the Vatican on Air Force 1, where Benedict himself was getting blessed by the design. Once it lands in LA it’ll be taken, under S.W.A.T. and S.E.A.L. team guard, directly to Bayshore Lanes. Once there it will be guarded by genetically modified Ligers until such time as I arrive, ritually kill the Ligers, eat their hearts to absorb their abilities, and remove it from the bunker.

What bunker? Did you notice that there is no A/C at Bayshore? That’s kind of my fault. You see I knew a couple years ago that I would need to safehouse the shirt for a mere 2 hours at Bayshore and one of those namby pamby lockers wouldn’t due. So I designed a bunker that sits 280ft below the lanes, but it's existence makes A/C there impossible. Here are some bunker fun facts:

-       80ft below ground it is surrounded on all sides by 65miles of concrete made from human remains and grit.

-       Construction of the bunker caused the collapse of the Greek, Irish, Portugese, and soon France’s economies.

-       The movie Footloose foretold the creation of this bunker.

-       The movie Jack Goes Boating is based on the bunker’s construction

-       Lady Gaga’s song “Born This Way” has nothing to do with the bunker, and I’d like to keep it that way

-       Once the shirt is removed the bunker will be destroyed.

-       1,436 people lost their lives during the construction of the bunker

-       55 of those deaths were due to a cave-in caused by a man named “Jordan”.

-       The bunker can withstand the combined might of the US and Russian nuclear arsenal

-       Everyone who worked on the bunker and survived made a pact to blind themselves and cut out their tongues so they could never pass along it’s secrets.

-       One construction worker wanted to start calling the bunker “Archie” in homage to “All in the Family”, he is dead.

There is also another shirt being unveiled Thursday night. It too has the power to destroy nations but it won’t be as sought after because this shirt will be made from regular cotton fibers; not moon rock, like the Golden Bowler shirt, moon rock spun so tightly it feels like the lightest gossamer. Honestly it's like angels hugging you constantly.

Make sure to stop by the Wallendas on Thursday to see what’s new with them. Don't forget to wear your big boy pants.

*I say six because there are only like 2 bathrooms on Antarctica and I hear they get tons of foot traffic.

Wallendas Lose, wear a stupid shirt, and learn the meaning of shame

Holy shit did we get beat. Back Door Santa should change their names to the clock cleaners cause that’s what they did to us. Seriously we got beat like a wife who didn’t have dinner ready. We sucked more than a whore at the world cup. We were Mark Wahlberg’s lion to Will Ferrell’s tuna in “The Other Guys’. They devoured us. I know what your next question is going to be, “Count, how in the hell do you consider this a good thing?”

Because we learned. Every one of my teammates and I learned something from the debacle that was our Back Door Santa rematch.

Chris “The Trashman from Crooklyn” Jones learned that dudes crying is not cool, it just isn’t. He also learned that he needs more consistency. That throwing the ball well 7 out of 10 frames isn’t going to cut it like it did last season.

I'll pose and act like it doesn't bother me, just like never getting hugs from my parents. PUSSY

Adam “The Guv GardDog” Gard learned that if he wants to be the be the man then he needs to fucking beat the man…WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!* He learned that just because he bowled well last season that this season there is more on the line then him and Swerski averaging 3 two hundred games between them.

Maybe if I look nonchalant no one will think I suck. WRONG!!!

Heather “Doc” Krull learned that she isn’t the best female bowler in the league. In fact she’s like near the bottom. So we’ve finally convinced her to ditch the Major League II Pedro Cerrano act, you know when he went all new-agey, and start killing some live fucking chickens leading up to Thursdays. She flushed all her fucking peyote and hash down the neighbors toilet and is starting this week fresh, no hallucinations.

I'm terrible really, if I were any worse you would think I was a nazi.

Me, what did I learn? I learned it takes more than heart to shape a team into one of the finest teams in history. A team, that in my opinion, is more ragtag than the A-Team ever was. It takes pain, it requires determination, and most of all it demands degradation.** To that end the first real use of the dreaded “I Suck At Bowling” shirt made its appearance. Not one team member wore it in consecutive games. It was as if their fellow league members seeing how fucking pathetic they look and how much they suck at bowling drove them to new heights.

Obviously if you’ve gotten this far you’ve seen those boneheads wearing the shirt. At first they think it’s funny and they get a laugh. Then they realize no one at Bayshore is laughing with them only at them and their demenaor changes, they get angry. Luckily they don’t get all stabby/shooty and instead channel that anger and humiliation into some pretty nice bowling. But they’ve got to…nay they need to do better. That’s why we went to the cemetery at midnight on Friday night. We all trekked to that creepy cemetery on Venice Blvd. on your way downtown, you know the one, and I let them know in no uncertain terms “If you blow this season for me I will have you each shot execution style and throw your body on the side of the road.”

We probably didn’t need to go to the cemetery for me to get that point across but I also wanted to have a séance and see if we could raise ourselves up a zombie. No such luck because someone, me, forgot to bring the necronomicon. Sue me I'm using it to keep a table level.

This week we bowl against Turkey Hunters. They’ve been talking some serious trash at the lanes about how badly they intend to beat us. FUCK. THAT. NOISE. In the words of the Doobie Brothers we’ll be “Taking it to the Streets” but insert "lanes" for "streets" and you get the point. I'll be in their heads worse than Wishing Well by Terrence Trent D'arby, yeah it's stuck in there good now isn't it bitches?

Next week's post will be about how fucking amazing we were.

*If you get the chance, go drinking with Flair. He pays for everything and he is fucking hysterical.

**That’s a little alliteration you fucking pussies