Fans, Players disappointed as BDS TBW skills are a no-show at exhibition match

70,000 eager fans, 300 of which were Make-A-Wish Foundation recipients crowded Pico Blvd. and Bayshore lanes to get a glimpse of the bowling exhibition put on by The Bowling Wallendas and Back Door Santa only to be sorely disappointed. The crowd was a motley crew sporting signs and t-shirts that read things like: “Keep Molina out of TNT” “No Molina is the best Molina” and “Kevin Call Me, I’m Late”.

Both teams were off their games last night. Chris Jones could not attend as he was having a delayed “tommy-john” surgery in hopes that he’ll be good to go come the next season. Powderkeg spent the evening cruising Planned Parenthoods hoping to meet “easy chicks”. Heather Krull was the only stand-out on both squads as she battled Adam Gard for hot Fudge Sundaes and bowled her heart out against Kevin “Built in Nickname” Meister so she wouldn’t have to blow him…again. She released this statement:

                                “He has this rule, since he’s the worst on our team if we

                                 bowl worse against him we have to give him a BJ’er. I

                                honestly think that he slipped us all something when we

                                agreed to that bullshit. But rules are rules and we are

                                trying to have a society here.”

Heather did not have to give any blowies, or handies, to team member Meister; who himself struggled all night long.

                                “I’m trying out a new throw. I’ve gone as far as I can with

                                my straight ball. It’s time for something different. I could

                                wrestling boots but they don’t slide.”

One spectator, Little Mikey Sorenson from Fargo, was so un-impressed with Dynamite Chris Parish’s awful accuracy said he was thinking he may just go into the priesthood.

                                “These guys are awful, it’s so fake. Just like when I watched

                                Hollywood Hulk Hogan against The Rock and my dad told

                                me it was scripted. I think these guys are bogus. I’m going to

                                become a priest so I can touch kids…hearts.”

The whole night was a debacle. When the teams were eating pizza they were subjected to boos, thrown tomatoes, and signs reading “I got Cancer for this?!?!” One Make a Wisher died mid-evening from disappointment. That really seemed to get to Hacksaw who openly wept. When league dictator El Presidente said “He’s going to die anyway, why are you crying fool?” Hacksaw could contain himself no longer. Weeks of pent up frustration at the leagues mistreatment were released in one tremendous blow and he felled El Presidente. That was the only big pop of the evening as  the crowd, which by now had dwindled to a measly 54,329 cheered the images broadcast on the jumbo-tron.

At the end of it all both teams were glad it was over.

                                “Hey it was an exhibition match and I think as Dynamite said

                                we left it all on the lanes last week. I’m just glad we were able

                                to raise over $3 billion for Sri Lankan orphans.” Kevin Meister

Aside from the altercation on Lane 14 there was also considerable controversy regarding the three-way tie for second. While the Wallendas bowled on lanes 1 and 2 last week, and were true second placers, league miscreant and shameless self-promoter Tony “Il Padrino” Cortese named his team as “First Second Place Team” because of the introduction of season total pins plus handicap.

When reached by telephone at his un-disclosed hospital, seriously he’s not in drug rehab, Chris Trashman” Jones was livid:

                                “Are you kidding me? I think it’s a well established fact that

                                the Wallendas may have one of, if not the lowest handicap

                                in the league. Padrino is an attention whore. If he can talk his

                                team up then that’s what he does. Meister better not hump

                                one ball return tonight. Cut into TNT’s revenue stream and

                                teach Cortese a lesson.”

Meister didn’t hump any returns despite recording multiple strikes in all three games he bowled. In fact none of the Wallendas did anything resembling overt celebration even as Adam “The Guv” Gard recorded some pretty sweet shots simply bowling from “Downtown”.

 The evening was further hampered when Meister was served no fewer than 13 times with paternity suits. “I guess standing in front of the microwave doesn’t kill my virility” quipped an easy going Meister, who took every process server in stride and also remarked “hey man if they didn’t want to get pregnant they would have sex with Glass Wall.”

Another angry fan attacked Adam Gard with a samurai sword, Gard took the sword broke it over his knee like Sully smashing a pizza box and bowled a strike. Then after the evening proceeded to teach his would be attacker how you really kill someone with a sword. It was a one time lesson.

So another season comes to an end. They’ve got a one week lay-off then their back at it on May 12. There was the possibility of some off-season moves but it appears the grass roots “Keep Molina Out” movement has gained some steam after being heavily featured on “360 with Anderson “premature grey” Cooper. Who knows what the summer season will bring, will TNT be ready for a rematch? Will Turkey Juice finally start bowling to their potential? Will Hacksaw be indicted again? Only time will tell.

Adam is Missing, Obama is in Town, The Most Electrifying Final Takes Place Tonight!!!

The top two teams are in hiding. But where is Adam “The Guv” Gard? After being extended the olive branch by BDS striker and all around gentleman “Hacksaw” Serris the entire Wallendas squad retreated to the aptly named Row the Boat. It’s a pleasure palace of earthly delights. But in the wee hours of the morning Adam left because as his note said “I’ve got some shit to take care of.”

We all hope he’s there in time, but Meister speculates that Adam may have seen the much heard about “Beach Patrol Signal” which is a silhouette of two naked ladies projected onto the clouds. Why he didn’t tell co-Beach Patroller Kevin Meister is anyone’s guess.

As reported in other blogs Barack Obama will be stopping by the lanes in order to try and bring some transparency to El Presidente’s corrupt regime. Said Obama aboard the Row the Boat last night:

                                “El Presidente’s administration in TNT has shown more corruption

                                than Teapot Dome and the XYZ Affair combined. I mean this guy

                                gives president’s a bad name. He makes Qadaffi look like a level-

                                headed guy.”

Obama went on to bowl a lousy 111, 117, 103. Though he did expense all the beers for the evening, while he polished off his third pin shaped Bud-Light he was heard to mumble:

                                “This bar tab is too big to fail. I'm the Commander-in-Chief

                                  and I declare this bar tab the responsibility of the Fed.”

But bear in mind though the two most dynamic teams ever to play in TNT history are safe from physical harm, being at sea and protected by the Obama supplied Navy S.E.A.L.S. Wallendas class clown Meister was subjected to the following obscene phone call around 3a.m.

Caller- Is this Kevin Fancy Pants Meister?

Kevin- It’s Kevin but all I’ve got on our my Frankenstein jammies.

Caller- That’s hot, I want to lick your ankles?

Kevin- Really? That’s cool.

Caller- (heavy breathing)

Kevin- (heavy breathing)

Caller- Why are you doing that?

Kevin- I thought we were doing the heavy breathing thing.

Caller- I am, you’re supposed to be freaked out.

Kevin- Yeah keep going. I’m grabbing my nipples now.

Caller- What the fuck? Seriously shut up.

Kevin- (heavy breathing)

Caller- Stop it!!!

Kevin- wait wait wait…oh yeah there it is. Thank you for being gentle.

Caller- You’re insane.

Kevin- I love you so much.

BREAKING NEWS - DYNAMITE CHRIS PARISH ARRESTED IN STING OPERATION!!!

Dateline Los Angeles California April 19, 2011

In a stunning turn of events Back Door Santa All-Star and Full-Time Goof Off Dynamite Chris Parish was arrested in West Hollywood in an apparent sting operation. For seven months West Hollywood Police in co-operation with the LAPD and FBI have been monitoring the activities of "The Boing Boing Club" for what they deem impersonations of reggae drag queens. West Hollywood PD released this statement:

                          "These guys will pretend they're drag queens and fleece club goers for
                            hundreds of dollars. It's an abomination on our quiet community."

Dynamite himself claims he wasn't an active participant and was lured to the club by a note:

He went to the club because after getting the note his phone rang and a muffled voice told him to be at the Boing Boing Club with e-mail addresses of people who weren't currently on a Verizon wireless plan. He further went on to state that the only reason he dressed all "rasta" was because he'd heard of the boing boing club and wanted to blend in.

Suspicions have arisen as to who the mysterious E.P. is. Early reports indicate it may be the infamous El Presidente. BDS team members have also accused The Bowling Wallendas because as Parish also noted:

                             "Heather recently found out I know how to read, pretty weird
                              her finding that out and me getting a note all in the same week."

Adam "I wasn't Elected but I'm Still The Guv" Gard rebukes those claims:

                              "If he can read then I'm Linda Ronstadt."

Adam also called up BDS legal counsel and founding member of the Beach Patrol Kevin "I've got a built in nickname" Meister and told him merely "It's time to investigate."

With the championships looming this Thrusday and The Bowling Wallendas facing off against BDS the whole world is waiting and watching to see what happens next. Before yesterday's arrest China was ready to un-peg the yuen from the U.S. Dollar and base their currency solely on the abilities of The Bowling Wallendas, now those plans could be in doubt.

We'll keep you posted.

BDS counsel over-worked, paid in beer. Plus the biggest news to hit TNT since Washington crossed the Delaware!!!

Some people have been saying “When are you going to post something?” It’s been weeks. Well maybe you aren’t familiar with another TNT posters blog, Back Door Santa. If you aren’t you should take a look see and you’ll understand why I haven’t posted. I’VE BEEN BUSY!!! Running point for Back Door Santa’s legal needs is like three full time jobs.

My days have consisted of trial prep, pre-trial motions, more prep, client meetings, and ultimately the trial itself. Am I hopeful for a positive outcome? Of course I am, the plaintiff’s have no case whatsoever. They’re nothing more than cabal of thugs trying to enforce their “non-justice” on Patriotic Americans like good old Hacksaw and yourself.

I thought after we won the sponsorship battle with El Presidente he would have known he wasn’t dealing with a bunch of rubes. Well it turns out he’s gone completely loco with power and is trying to cut both BDS and TBW off at the knees. Last night The El One was overheard saying: “Those Wallendas think they’re all that and a side of some grade A blow, well just wait till I lay the whammy on them.” I’ve got news for you Senor Presidente, we are all that and a huge giant bag of Grade A Columbian Yay. You want to make the Wallendas pay because I represent your mortal enemies? In the words of Heather “Doc” Krull “That’s fine.”

That is why I am declaring next Thursday April 21, 2011 the first ever “WEAR GLOVES TO COMBAT CORRUPTION DAY!!!” I encourage you to tell your friends and family to wear sanitary leather gloves next week, keep your hands free of corruption.

Okay enough proselytizing, on to new business. The Wallendas needed to finish strong in order to get where they want and should be. Sadly the past few weeks were not the best bowling the Wallendas had to offer. We needed to win 3 or more games the previous 3 weeks leading up to last night. I think we did that once out of those 3 weeks. It wasn’t all my fault, last week was the notorious night of the 30 frame boner as our competition was especially pants splittingly hot.

As we entered last night’s games we held our heads low as we had dropped to 4^th with nary a chance of making it to any type of placing game come position week. Things started as usual, Kevin “Moral Center” Meister was up to his usual tricks of bowling awful but charming the panties off the other team. Heather “Doc “ Krull bowled capably and encouraged Meister’s shenanigans.  Chris “Brooklyn Trashman” Jones and Adam “I wasn’t Elected but I’m the Guv” Gard both amply fulfilled their duties as the “big guns” of TBW. Before we knew what hit us TBW had won 2 games, and we’re well on our way to 4 points. But 4 points without a little help is like going to the donkey show in Tijuana without and singles, it’s just not worth it. We needed other teams to fail, and they did not disappoint.

That’s How We Storm Out of the Bowling Alley when we don’t do very well took only one point from their far inferior competition. Perennial cheaters Pants on the Ground couldn’t get their opponents to look away long enough to change the scores. But the losses that will be most debated are those of BDS.

El Presidente was already crying foul last night when he saw the match up forming for next week on lanes 1 and 2. The possibility of this match up has haunted his dreams for over a year now, the mere thought of seeing two teams so perfectly matched up in both skill and charm has been known to send El Presidente running like a mad man to where the ocean meets the shore. I’ve even heard that when someone floated the idea of this match up to him two weeks ago he crapped his pants, put his thumb in his mouth, and called his mother. That’s right readers, next week brings to TNT the most dynamic, most talked about, most hotly anticipated championship game this league has ever seen.

Next week on lanes 1 and 2 you will see the two teams that define TNT face off for the first time in a championship match.  Back Door Santa vs The Bowling Wallendas, a match up that Rich Eisen said this morning was “Devoid of an underdog.”

Below is a timeline of the events that occurred after the match was announced:

9:15pm- BDS and TBW learn they will face eachother in the finals.

9:16pm- BDS collectively pulls their jaws off the floor and begins dancing. Shotboy jumps to the bar begins masturbating furiously. Three women in the bar leave for planned parenthood shortly thereafter for the morning after pill. There’s a 57% chance that the pill will not work.

9:17pm- The Guv punches waiter Josh “Ambrose Burnside” in the face, just because.

9:18pm- The Trashman asks Don “The Bear” Phillips if he’s getting laid this season, Don answers yes. Trashman replies “That’s a no.” Meister can’t restrain his laughter anymore and walks away missing the rest of the conversation.

9:20pm- Powderkeg picks “Don’t Stop Believing” by journey on the jukebox.

9:21pm- Powderkeg realizes his mistake and instead chooses Miley Cyrus’s seminal classic “Party in the USA”.

9:22pm Hacksaw chews through a bowling pin, realizes that the Wood Mafia have spies everywhere and attempts to call legal counsel.

9:22:30- Kevin Meister sitting two bar stools away is already working on an alibi for Hacksaw, he has called a press conference and is ready to present evidence that the pin was destroyed by an angry beaver released into Bayshore by an already on the ropes El Presidente.

9:25pm- Dynamite gets a tattoo on his back to celebrate the occasion, future generations will use images of this tattoo as the basis of a new religion.

9:30pm- The Doc makes sure Ambrose Burnside is fine, promptly punches him again.

9:40pm- El Presidente is found in the ladies room weeping into the biggest pair of granny panties anyone has ever seen. As the paramedics take him to the UCLA Psyche Ward he is heard mumbling “It’s all over, my anti-justice campaign is done.”

10:00pm- both teams take to the streets, roll several hobos and set fire to 3 conversion vans. Subsequently their mere presence gives 2 cripples the ability to walk and it’s been reported that Los Angeles didn’t suffer a single suicide that night.

8:00am EST- White House Press Secretary Jay Carney calls a press conference to discuss how ticket sales of this “most electrifying of match-ups” will erase the deficit and usher in a new age of American prosperity. It’s also believed that if tapes of the match can be smuggled into Libya, Muammar Qadaffi will most probably end his war against his population.

Where will you be next Thursday?