Week 1 Disaster, Could this be the end of the Wallendas?

I hate to be the bearer of bad news sports fans but Wallenda Nation is in crisis. Some say it's the 30 games of bowling a day, even on game day. Some say it's the vigorous heat of Bayshore Lanes. Some say it's the burden of a team that is awesome 26 hours a day 30 days a week 855 days a year. But if any one, and I mean any one, says it's the amount of alcohol we drink I will smash that mother fucker in the face; with my fist, over and over again.

We lost last week. We lost to ham and eggers. We lost to turkey hunters. Our first game we looked strong, like the mighty viking warriors we are. But after that we become addled, geriatric, bed shitters who couldn't find our reading glasses.

Maybe the team is over committing itself. Maybe Heather "Doc" Krull should be trying to release a new double CD every month. Maybe Chris "Trashman" Jones shouldn't be huffing glue and "buying and selling bitches like they was noodles". Maybe Adam "Gard Dogg" Gard shouldn't be roaming the streets every night throat punching every cross-eyed mother fucker he sees. Maybe our team sub Ryan "I'll fucking end you if you use that singer songwriter bit again" Adams shouldn't be speculating in the Asian markets. Hell maybe I shouldn't be practicing law, I never passed the bar and maybe I've won over 4 cases but it takes away from the team.

Thing is faithful Wallendians, those things I mentioned are all maybes. If I want to go with maybes, then perhaps I should also add: Maybe El Presidente better watch his back. Maybe Il Padrino better make league meetings take less time. And maybe, just maybe, the rest of the TNT league should just lay down their fucking bowling balls and cede the season to us. Because the end result of this season is that all the other teams weep and cry during position week as the Wallendas stand on Lane 1 and lord over them that we won this bitch in Week 7.

HOLY FUCK!!! Did he just do that? Did he just say they'll have won the season in Week 7? Let me answer your question with a question. CAN YOU FUCKING READ??? Well if you can then you know the answer is yes, I did call my shot. See some other teams may put more strikes on the board. Some other teams may use a better strategy. Hell, some other teams may even think they're better looking. But none of those teams has bigger cocks than us. We're sporting more meat than Oscar Fucking Meyer. Hell even the strap-on Heather uses to scare hobos is bigger than 97% of TNT.

So don't you worry about a thing. The Bowling Wallendas are going to drive this big rig home before too long and totally destroy the rest of TNT.

EL PRESIDENTE FOR LIFE??? ZACHFOCS Takes Action!!! Wallendas Under Siege!!! Whitney Cummings New Show Looks Like Shit!!

As a new season dawns on us The Bowling Wallendas will descend from their mountain lair, high atop Mount Fuji, and bring their unique brand of awesome back to TNT. Much like the “mythical” phoenix rising from the ashes to be reborn, the Wallendas feel themselves reborn in a certain fashion. Of course we’re descending from a mountain and not rising from ashes.

Gone is the season plagued by injuries both physical and emotional. Sadly it seems they and their brethren of Back Door Santa will continue to be dogged by the evil forces of El Presidente. In an effort to stem some of the propaganda spewing forth from El Corrupto Daily, Havana’s second best selling daily periodical, Meister along with his cohort in ZACHFOCS Nick “Powderkeg” Lyons have proposed renaming El Presidente CRS-ONE in all future postings.

“Listen the first thing we noticed when we started ZACHFOCS was that people hate difficult anagrams.” Nick Lyons was noted as saying.

“Yeah, I mean you wouldn’t believe how many PR people are on our asses about changing ZACHFOCS. How fucking hard is it to know ZACHFOCS stands for Zealously Adored Champions Heralded For Opposing Corruption & Suspiciousness?” Meister added.

When pushed on the matter Powderkeg went on to explain- “CRS-ONE stands for Corruption Reigns Supreme Over Nearly Everyone. Now I know that’s not true, you know that’s not true. Hell even CRS-ONE himself knows it’s not true. But if you name someone with an anagram that doesn’t mean a damn thing you take away their power. Look at Cher, her name stands for Crusty Ho Enveloped by Rubber. Sure she had a good run for a while but have you heard from her lately?”

“We rest our case. And you clowns in the press ought to know with my trial record of 5 wins no losses and 368 charges dropped before the case even reaches trial; that when I rest my case, I really rest my case.” Meister finished.

Now back to some very disturbing TBW business. On our one week sabbatical we rooted out a traitor in their midst. Shawn Clancy has officially turned coat. That’s right, the guy who kept promising to show up at our games with an official WALLENDAS FAN t-shirt has betrayed us. Yep Mr. Necktie himself, Shawn Clancy, has decided to join the TNT league. A former Wallendas booster, Necktie now finds himself playing for Honey Badgers DGAS. It is a definite slap in the face to TBW’er Chris “Trashman” Jones who taught the young Necktie everything he knows.

“He’s pretty much dead to me.” Jones said before he grabbed Ambrose Burnside and smacked the taste out of his mouth.

“I hope he gets the clap.” Said Adam “Gard Dogg” Gard.

“I hope he gets a girlfriend, and then he gets that girlfriend super pregnant. Like so pregnant there is no way they could do an abortion.” Commented team witch doctor Heather Krull.

“seriously I’ll be destroying my team from the inside. I’m like rot for bowling.” Pled Clancy.

He may be right too. I’ve bowled with the guy and he’s anything but consistent. Either way I wish him the best of luck in the upcoming season. But I would like to echo Heather’s thoughts and hope he totally knocks up some girl with like an unkillable fetus.