I hate to be the bearer of bad news sports fans but Wallenda Nation is in crisis. Some say it's the 30 games of bowling a day, even on game day. Some say it's the vigorous heat of Bayshore Lanes. Some say it's the burden of a team that is awesome 26 hours a day 30 days a week 855 days a year. But if any one, and I mean any one, says it's the amount of alcohol we drink I will smash that mother fucker in the face; with my fist, over and over again.
We lost last week. We lost to ham and eggers. We lost to turkey hunters. Our first game we looked strong, like the mighty viking warriors we are. But after that we become addled, geriatric, bed shitters who couldn't find our reading glasses.
Maybe the team is over committing itself. Maybe Heather "Doc" Krull should be trying to release a new double CD every month. Maybe Chris "Trashman" Jones shouldn't be huffing glue and "buying and selling bitches like they was noodles". Maybe Adam "Gard Dogg" Gard shouldn't be roaming the streets every night throat punching every cross-eyed mother fucker he sees. Maybe our team sub Ryan "I'll fucking end you if you use that singer songwriter bit again" Adams shouldn't be speculating in the Asian markets. Hell maybe I shouldn't be practicing law, I never passed the bar and maybe I've won over 4 cases but it takes away from the team.
Thing is faithful Wallendians, those things I mentioned are all maybes. If I want to go with maybes, then perhaps I should also add: Maybe El Presidente better watch his back. Maybe Il Padrino better make league meetings take less time. And maybe, just maybe, the rest of the TNT league should just lay down their fucking bowling balls and cede the season to us. Because the end result of this season is that all the other teams weep and cry during position week as the Wallendas stand on Lane 1 and lord over them that we won this bitch in Week 7.
HOLY FUCK!!! Did he just do that? Did he just say they'll have won the season in Week 7? Let me answer your question with a question. CAN YOU FUCKING READ??? Well if you can then you know the answer is yes, I did call my shot. See some other teams may put more strikes on the board. Some other teams may use a better strategy. Hell, some other teams may even think they're better looking. But none of those teams has bigger cocks than us. We're sporting more meat than Oscar Fucking Meyer. Hell even the strap-on Heather uses to scare hobos is bigger than 97% of TNT.
So don't you worry about a thing. The Bowling Wallendas are going to drive this big rig home before too long and totally destroy the rest of TNT.
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