Bigger than Jesus Sponsors Underprivileged Youths; Just Kidding, "We Use Their Tiny Bodies for Fuel"

BTJ has begun their inevitable march back to the top of the leaderboard. Last week’s 4-0 sweep of Spicy Pot is the perfect lead-in to this week’s re-match with last season’s losers Multiple Scoregasm. Spicy Pot came into the match with an eye to at least take 2 points away from our heroes. Instead all they took was the collective BTJ giant team cock up their puckered browneyes. Team captain Steve had one comment after the final shellacking of his noble squad:

                               “No Comment.”

Strong words from a strong man. But really their loss was as predictable as a southerner’s stupidity. You see in the off-season BTJ has really gone to extremes in their perfection of the art of bowling. They built a brand new state of the art bowling center on the remains of an old Indian burial ground. It sports 52 glorious lanes each showcasing the various peculiarities and idiosyncrasies that can befall a bowling lane; from too oily, to not oily enough.

Paranormal investigators advised the BTJ crew that the land they were building on would be haunted by the ghosts of angry braves and medicine men. In response to their concerns, our own team medicine man and the guy who can punch your fucking throat out Adam “Gard Dawg” Gard said this:

                                 “Before we started building the
                                   foundation we just put down a
                                   bunch of smallpox infested blankets.
                                   That ought to shut them lousy
                                   ghosts up.”

To keep the facilities running at full power 24/7 365 we use the bodies of orphans as fuel. No one will miss them and it helps reduce the overall overpopulation in the world today. We tried going the charitable route, we tried making people less fortunate than us more comfortable. But the minute we faltered in our bowling those unwashed masses turned on us faster than Hogan turned on Macho Man*; so fuck em, we’ll use them to power our greatness in other ways.

A special envoy from the United Nations would probably try to use this portion of the post to complain about our treatment of street people. But when he showed up to investigate our practices we used him as the 1 pin in a BTJ strike-fest. Then we sent his battered remains back to NYC with a note informing them of our withdrawal from their ineffective and ridiculous institution.

Have we gone power mad? Did we let the championship rings bleed poisonous materials into our brains? Are we just plain loco? No, no, and no. Quite frankly we’re just taking our rightful place at the top of the TNT League and the bowling world as a whole. We’ve always been the most show-stopping, electrifying, crowd pleasing, rabble rousing squad of bowlers ever assembled. Now all you punk ass fools know it, and it scares the shit out of you. No other team is sexier, no other team performs every week running on all 8 cylinders, no other team looks this fucking hot in disco pants:

"Sorry ladies, I'm saving myself for awesome"

Meister out.

*If you're siding with Hogan in that feud then you know less about wrestling than you do about bowling. MISS ELIZABETH LIVES!!!!

BTJ Lives Up to Their Name, Rings Delivered Among Controversy

Six rings containing blood diamonds, and more pure gold than an OG has in his teeth were transported to Bayshore Lanes last Thursday. But they almost didn’t get there. El Presidente got wind of the rings and decided he and iL Padrino needed to line their already laden coffers even more. Using intel he gleaned from a TNT mole he sent a squad of Cuban special forces a.k.a. Hombres de Poca Habilidad to assault the route the rings motorcade was taking. Sadly for them they didn’t realize that the rings were being guarded by the newly formed, BTJ Gard. I almost feel bad for anyone tangling with the Adam “Gard Dawg” Gard trained BTJ Gard. No matter who you are, you’re going to lose. One spetnatz exchange officer commented, in a very thick Russian accent “These guys are for real-sies”.

Gunfire erupted on Lincoln boulevard (you wouldn’t have seen it on the news because we hushed that shit up) when the Hombres attacked. A force of 15 Hombres led the ill-fated assault, total expense for the BTJ Gard was the cost of 14 bullets. Two of the Hombres were killed with the same bullet.

It wouldn’t have mattered if they defeated the BTJ Gard anyway. I found out about El Corruptidente’s plans a full two days before hand. His system has obvious flaws in it, namely his VP Ravi Rajan was easily bought with the promise of high-fives and a beer. To say the man’s price is low is an understatement. But BTJ will support Rajan in his bid for the presidency next season because we’ve never owned an elected official before and it would be nice to have one.

So the rings got to us safe and sound. THEY ARE GLORIOUS!!! The superbowl champion NY Giants wept when they got a peek at our massively awesome bling. TNT decided they were going to re-boot Captain Planet after seeing the picture below.

This time however it’ll be called “Bigger Than Jesus is Better Than You Planet” I don’t like the title but I like the direction. EARTH, AIR, FIRE, HEART, RAPE!!!

Week 1 was a blip, we underperformed. I personally just got done with a 4 week bender of ether and absinthe in an old school Chinatown opium den. My head was foggy and the new handicap rule confused me. Everyone knows the on again, off again drama of Week 2.

Week 3 looked to be daunting, but it proved a crucial turning point. We met the mighty Danny Joyer. A new team on the TNT stage who had made some big waves by going 6-2 in two weeks. While BTJ entered week 3 with a measly 4-4 record. We needed something to rev us up and fresh meat was just the thing these 10 pin raping pederasts needed to fire up the BTJ Warp drive and commit some serious lane violations.

We sent Joyer home without any points or their dignity. They did get a lovely parting gift though…ass balm.

BTJ proves their worth and sits with a 8-4 record. How will they maintain this level of awesome-ness?

Maybe you heard about the eclipse this past Sunday? Well using a high school chemistry set and an elementary level understanding of Earth science I built a Solar Power Emission Receptacle Mobile suit or SPERMs for short. Using our sun’s very power and syphoning it off into each member of the team I have found a way for BTJ to dominate the world bowling stage for at least 50 years, and I did it while thinking green. So when you lose to BTJ you’re losing to people who use alternative forms of energy and care about Mother Earth.

Names Changes, Championship Rings, New Season...Yeah we Fuck Shit Up

The Bowling Wallendas begat B.I.L.F.s, who went on to dominate TNT to the brink of insanity with balls out bowling and a ne’er do well attitude. Seeing that they cannot continue along with that infamous name they’ve decided to re-brand like Kobe after the rape. Ladies and gentlemen of the universe I present to you the latest incarnation of the greatest collection of bowlers since Cobra collected the DNA of historical conquerors to create Serpentor…BIGGER THAN JESUS.

Does that name seem pompous? Does it anger you? Do you find yourself wanting to tune in just to see them lose? Well you’ll want to set your DVRs for this Thursday so you don’t miss a second of what will surely be an incredibly infuriating ring ceremony for our glorious former BILFs.

These rings are solid gold, opal, and diamonds. All these materials were taken from conflict countries because as most people know world conflict and local strife don’t affect the BILFs one bit. If we need diamonds, then we fucking get diamonds. If we need gold, then mother fuckers better be digging for gold.

The rings were designed by a nameless jeweler who went blind setting the 16 diamonds into their settings. Because after creating the most beautiful design in the history of ring making he felt he could stand to look at anything else in this miserable world and so stabbed his own eyes out. Sadly, we couldn’t take a chance that he would reveal our ring designs before their unveiling so we had to liquidate him. We cut out his tongue, lobotomized him, and strapped him to a rocket launched from Peru directly into the sun. Some say cutting out his tongue and lobotomy may have been overkill; well those same people probably never took into account aliens intercepting his rocket and discovering the design secrets.

Why go to such lengths when people are going to see these designs Thursday anyway? Knock-offs of course. When we announced the name change of BILFs to BIGGER THAN JESUS to league secretary il Padrino a day later we saw “official” Bigger than Jesus merchandise flood the bowling markets. A simple trace on the DBA (doing business as) for the makers of these products shows that they were manufactured and imported by El Presidente Industries. The guy does business under his own name, that’s how deep his talons are into the TNT hierarchy. We’re not even that mad that the market has been flooded with goods, we’re mad that they look so fucking tacky. Trust us, we’ll let you super fans know when legitimate BIGGER THAN JESUS merch is ready for sale.

Like keep an eye out for the certified and endorsed Heather “Doc” Krull training ball. You’ll probably start seeing print ads in upcoming issues The Economist and The New Republic. Why those mags and not something like Sports Illustrated or ESPN the Magazine? Because Bigger than Jesus is high class and we don’t need any slack-jaws glomming onto our train. The ball and accompanying DVD “Training Time with Heather” clocks in at a cool $50,000 a pop. Too pricey? Well we already have 7,344 pre-orders for that shit motherfuckers. So put your lips around that nipple and suck on it. The packaging is classy as fuck too, it’s Heather holding a ball up with one hand and the other hand pointing at the viewer with the copy reading “You wannabes think you can roll? I’ll teach you how to roll, you g-damned dimwits.” The DVD is a brisk 39 hours of Heather teaching you the ins and outs of bowling in the second position. I’m considered a master bowler and she brought my average above 300 by 23 pins. What’s that? Those numbers don’t add up? Check it with AMF foolios; we’re so good they had to adjust how things are scored to give other teams a chance. Anyway when we showed up to bowl this season I walked into the dankness that is Bayshore and took a whiff. You know what it smelled like? It smelled like a mother fucking 3-peat.