BTJ Lives Up to Their Name, Rings Delivered Among Controversy

Six rings containing blood diamonds, and more pure gold than an OG has in his teeth were transported to Bayshore Lanes last Thursday. But they almost didn’t get there. El Presidente got wind of the rings and decided he and iL Padrino needed to line their already laden coffers even more. Using intel he gleaned from a TNT mole he sent a squad of Cuban special forces a.k.a. Hombres de Poca Habilidad to assault the route the rings motorcade was taking. Sadly for them they didn’t realize that the rings were being guarded by the newly formed, BTJ Gard. I almost feel bad for anyone tangling with the Adam “Gard Dawg” Gard trained BTJ Gard. No matter who you are, you’re going to lose. One spetnatz exchange officer commented, in a very thick Russian accent “These guys are for real-sies”.

Gunfire erupted on Lincoln boulevard (you wouldn’t have seen it on the news because we hushed that shit up) when the Hombres attacked. A force of 15 Hombres led the ill-fated assault, total expense for the BTJ Gard was the cost of 14 bullets. Two of the Hombres were killed with the same bullet.

It wouldn’t have mattered if they defeated the BTJ Gard anyway. I found out about El Corruptidente’s plans a full two days before hand. His system has obvious flaws in it, namely his VP Ravi Rajan was easily bought with the promise of high-fives and a beer. To say the man’s price is low is an understatement. But BTJ will support Rajan in his bid for the presidency next season because we’ve never owned an elected official before and it would be nice to have one.

So the rings got to us safe and sound. THEY ARE GLORIOUS!!! The superbowl champion NY Giants wept when they got a peek at our massively awesome bling. TNT decided they were going to re-boot Captain Planet after seeing the picture below.

This time however it’ll be called “Bigger Than Jesus is Better Than You Planet” I don’t like the title but I like the direction. EARTH, AIR, FIRE, HEART, RAPE!!!

Week 1 was a blip, we underperformed. I personally just got done with a 4 week bender of ether and absinthe in an old school Chinatown opium den. My head was foggy and the new handicap rule confused me. Everyone knows the on again, off again drama of Week 2.

Week 3 looked to be daunting, but it proved a crucial turning point. We met the mighty Danny Joyer. A new team on the TNT stage who had made some big waves by going 6-2 in two weeks. While BTJ entered week 3 with a measly 4-4 record. We needed something to rev us up and fresh meat was just the thing these 10 pin raping pederasts needed to fire up the BTJ Warp drive and commit some serious lane violations.

We sent Joyer home without any points or their dignity. They did get a lovely parting gift though…ass balm.

BTJ proves their worth and sits with a 8-4 record. How will they maintain this level of awesome-ness?

Maybe you heard about the eclipse this past Sunday? Well using a high school chemistry set and an elementary level understanding of Earth science I built a Solar Power Emission Receptacle Mobile suit or SPERMs for short. Using our sun’s very power and syphoning it off into each member of the team I have found a way for BTJ to dominate the world bowling stage for at least 50 years, and I did it while thinking green. So when you lose to BTJ you’re losing to people who use alternative forms of energy and care about Mother Earth.