It was supposed to be a match for the ages. Grandparents would tell their grandkids about it. It would be spoken about in hushed whispers whenever the players passed:
"He/She was one of the bowlers that night."
"Which night? Oh you mean the night..."
"Shhh they'll hear you and have your guts for garters. I was there, I saw it all...it was spectacular"
But no more. Now when people speak of the BDS v TBW match-up they'll tell two tales. One will involve being at the bowling alley in the middle of the day watching three guys bowl and try to be excited and the other will involve being at Bayshore on league night watching TBW and Hacksaw slug it out on what I assume are lanes 8 and 9 (we always get those busted up lanes).
Under advice from legal counsel BDS is skipping Thursday and pre-bowling. Their lawyer wants them to have nothing to do with El Presidente and his witch hunt. Only Hacksaw stands defiant, boldly proclaiming that "I WILL BE THERE THURSDAY, mostly because I've got nothing else going on that night and Friends has been off the air for like years now."
When people ask me why I advised my clients to avoid the hearing, they pepper it with comments like "Oh are you scared of BDS?" To all my detractors I say this:
"HELLS NO FOOLIOS!!!"
I wish I could bowl against those sons a bitches but I gots to be true to my clients. Whether we win or lose against the Back Door crew it always proves to be an epic evening laced with profanity, alcohol, and strike city. But some members of the team could prove troublesome during the hearing. Every one knows I'm talking about Parish. He's a hot head and when El Prez starts grilling those boys about the sponsorship deal he'll blow his lid. He more than anyone has been working this Coors deal for months now and to see TNT try and take it all away, well it's just plain silly. So I'm glad they went into hiding, hopefully a little fast talking at this hearing and that Coors deal with be right back where it's supposed to be, in BDS hands.
Don't think I'm doing this out of altruism either. I'm getting a hefty slice of that deal. Plus winning this hearing will open the door for my own team's sponsorship deal(s). That's right piggies I said deals, plural. We'll be raking in the dough. DOLLAR DOLLAR BILLS YA'LL!!!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
***BREAKING NEWS*** BDS PLAYERS GO INTO HIDING TO AVOID HEARING
Dateline Los Angeles 3-18-2011
It's come to the attention of The Bowling Wallendas that the entire team of Back Door Santa has taken a cue from Wisconsin senators and have gone into hiding to avoid a hearing next Thursday regarding their "allegedly" illegal sponsorship deal.
Team member Dynamite Chris Parish had only this comment "Meister told us not to show up, he watches the most Law & Order so he knows whats what."
In a release to the public team counsel Kevin "I got your torts reform right here" Meister had the following to say:
"Current TNT "rules" are biased against teams like BDS
and TBW. It's come to the point where these guys can't
make a decent living while the fat cats at Bayshore and
the TNT Board get rich of the blood and sweat of hard
working players. This is TNT's secret shame and come
Thursday the world will know about it."
League president El Presidente declined to comment on Meister's press release. He only said:
"We're holding the hearing on Thursday, whether they're
there or not. Now excuse me I have to go boating on
my giant yacht that wasn't paid for with TNT funds."
It's also come to our attention that aside from league VP Shotboy all the board members own gold plated yachts. Gary Busey's brother Todd, Bayshore manager, reportedly wipes his bottom with $100 bills. When will this rampant corruption end? When will the legitimate players of TNT be able to put food on the family table? When will BDS and TBW combine to form a supergroup ala Voltron?
As always we'll keep searching for the truth.
It's come to the attention of The Bowling Wallendas that the entire team of Back Door Santa has taken a cue from Wisconsin senators and have gone into hiding to avoid a hearing next Thursday regarding their "allegedly" illegal sponsorship deal.
Team member Dynamite Chris Parish had only this comment "Meister told us not to show up, he watches the most Law & Order so he knows whats what."
In a release to the public team counsel Kevin "I got your torts reform right here" Meister had the following to say:
"Current TNT "rules" are biased against teams like BDS
and TBW. It's come to the point where these guys can't
make a decent living while the fat cats at Bayshore and
the TNT Board get rich of the blood and sweat of hard
working players. This is TNT's secret shame and come
Thursday the world will know about it."
League president El Presidente declined to comment on Meister's press release. He only said:
"We're holding the hearing on Thursday, whether they're
there or not. Now excuse me I have to go boating on
my giant yacht that wasn't paid for with TNT funds."
It's also come to our attention that aside from league VP Shotboy all the board members own gold plated yachts. Gary Busey's brother Todd, Bayshore manager, reportedly wipes his bottom with $100 bills. When will this rampant corruption end? When will the legitimate players of TNT be able to put food on the family table? When will BDS and TBW combine to form a supergroup ala Voltron?
As always we'll keep searching for the truth.
AIDS isn't funny!!!
AIDS is so un-funny that it's actually kind of funny. Like back in school when I would just wear my long johns and dance around my apartment and using a screechy voice to taunt my roommate. "I'm the HIV, I'm in your blood stream because you had sex with a questionable girl and almost certainly didn't use a condom." See that's really pretty not funny, except he did have sex with questionable women and sometimes he didn't wear condoms. So we laughed and laughed till the point of tears. I know what you're going to ask next, no he didn't have AIDS...he had cancer...he's dead.
Which brings me to my next point. Last night we played "That's How We Roll", have you bowled against them yet? Oh you must...pre-bowl and not show up if you ever have to. What a sorry bunch of sad sacks. Their name shouldn't be THWR, it should be "This is How We Suck Any And All Enjoyment Out Of Bowling" or you can use the acronym C.U.N.T.S. Yeah I know the letters don't match up, it's a good word and incredibly descriptive. Bowling them was about as much fun as having to listen to El Presidente tell you about the time he scored a 308 while delivering a baby.
Here's how it went down:
First off The Wallendas were sad that Brett "Glass Wall" Barkley pre-bowled and so was not in attendance. TBW was looking forward to the full body muscle spasm that is his throw. At no point will any part of his body cross the foul line. I'm pretty sure as a child he did that once in a Father/Son bowling tournament and spent a week chain to a post in the basement while his father poured honey and ants on him to teach him the true meaning of foul. No really his foul line avoidance is pathological.
So no Glass Wall, instead we were treated to the remaining three team members in this order:
Ryan "I'm Not Zach Galafinakis God damnit" McMillan- Ryan seems nice enough right? He sees his kid before games, hugs her shows her around, she's adorable. I'm fairly certain both the kid and wife caught a major beating last night. You do not want to be around Ry-Ry when he's having an off night, or maybe you do. During game 2 (the only game they won by the way) Zac...er...I mean Ryan threw an unimpressive strike ball and garnered himself 4 pins. No biggee I do it all the time. Well apparently he's only been throwing 300 games his entire career because after that throw he grabbed his bag and stomped out of Bayshore. I kid you not. IT...WAS...AWESOME!!! Eventually he picked up that spare.
Todd "I Cheer Only When My Opponents Do Poorly" Schwartz - Which bowler was spotted cursing when Heather "Doc" Krull picked up a fairly difficult spare? If you guessed Hotty Toddy then you would be right. Does he ever smile? He always seems on the verge of tears. Offer a word of encouragement he ignores you.
Anthony "Fuck You Cancer" Esquibel - Now Anthony was a bright spot, he's a good bowler and he played along. Also it turns out when he found out he had cancer he only took one TNT season off and that wasn't even for treatment. It was so he could hunt humans on a island in the pacific. When he got back stateside he removed that cancer with a rusty bread knife and mirror. He then fed the cancer to a hobo, and then killed the hobo. This guy fucking hates hoboes.
I suppose not helping the situation was some ass clown humping the ball return for even the most minimal frames. Although that jackass wasn't helped by the other idiots on his team, upon seeing how angry THWR were getting, encouraging him to increase and not let up the idiocy.
Also not helping were the huge games posted by Chris "Brooklyn Trashman" Jones and Adam "Guv" Gard.
The Trashman is fresh off of a stint in rehab for a glue sniffing addiction. Worried that not having the glue in his system his bowling might suffer he instead decided to huff a little paint. Well it worked, his first game was stellar and delivered a knock-out blow that THWR never recovered from. But the paint wore off and he posted okay for him numbers the last two games. He was last spotted outside a hobby shop pacing frantically.
The Guv had a weird night. He got to the alley late because he was busy fighting Triads in San Pedro and his night looked to be an uphill battle. He didn't strike once during the entire first game. When he did finally strike the crowd erupted like I had thrown it. Game 2 was a rebuilding game and game three was made into his bitch.
So that's how it went, TBW are back in the championship hunt. They're upset that BDS has to miss next week and are frantically trying to put together a both teams pre-bowl together game.
Which brings me to my next point. Last night we played "That's How We Roll", have you bowled against them yet? Oh you must...pre-bowl and not show up if you ever have to. What a sorry bunch of sad sacks. Their name shouldn't be THWR, it should be "This is How We Suck Any And All Enjoyment Out Of Bowling" or you can use the acronym C.U.N.T.S. Yeah I know the letters don't match up, it's a good word and incredibly descriptive. Bowling them was about as much fun as having to listen to El Presidente tell you about the time he scored a 308 while delivering a baby.
Here's how it went down:
First off The Wallendas were sad that Brett "Glass Wall" Barkley pre-bowled and so was not in attendance. TBW was looking forward to the full body muscle spasm that is his throw. At no point will any part of his body cross the foul line. I'm pretty sure as a child he did that once in a Father/Son bowling tournament and spent a week chain to a post in the basement while his father poured honey and ants on him to teach him the true meaning of foul. No really his foul line avoidance is pathological.
So no Glass Wall, instead we were treated to the remaining three team members in this order:
Ryan "I'm Not Zach Galafinakis God damnit" McMillan- Ryan seems nice enough right? He sees his kid before games, hugs her shows her around, she's adorable. I'm fairly certain both the kid and wife caught a major beating last night. You do not want to be around Ry-Ry when he's having an off night, or maybe you do. During game 2 (the only game they won by the way) Zac...er...I mean Ryan threw an unimpressive strike ball and garnered himself 4 pins. No biggee I do it all the time. Well apparently he's only been throwing 300 games his entire career because after that throw he grabbed his bag and stomped out of Bayshore. I kid you not. IT...WAS...AWESOME!!! Eventually he picked up that spare.
Todd "I Cheer Only When My Opponents Do Poorly" Schwartz - Which bowler was spotted cursing when Heather "Doc" Krull picked up a fairly difficult spare? If you guessed Hotty Toddy then you would be right. Does he ever smile? He always seems on the verge of tears. Offer a word of encouragement he ignores you.
Anthony "Fuck You Cancer" Esquibel - Now Anthony was a bright spot, he's a good bowler and he played along. Also it turns out when he found out he had cancer he only took one TNT season off and that wasn't even for treatment. It was so he could hunt humans on a island in the pacific. When he got back stateside he removed that cancer with a rusty bread knife and mirror. He then fed the cancer to a hobo, and then killed the hobo. This guy fucking hates hoboes.
I suppose not helping the situation was some ass clown humping the ball return for even the most minimal frames. Although that jackass wasn't helped by the other idiots on his team, upon seeing how angry THWR were getting, encouraging him to increase and not let up the idiocy.
Also not helping were the huge games posted by Chris "Brooklyn Trashman" Jones and Adam "Guv" Gard.
The Trashman is fresh off of a stint in rehab for a glue sniffing addiction. Worried that not having the glue in his system his bowling might suffer he instead decided to huff a little paint. Well it worked, his first game was stellar and delivered a knock-out blow that THWR never recovered from. But the paint wore off and he posted okay for him numbers the last two games. He was last spotted outside a hobby shop pacing frantically.
The Guv had a weird night. He got to the alley late because he was busy fighting Triads in San Pedro and his night looked to be an uphill battle. He didn't strike once during the entire first game. When he did finally strike the crowd erupted like I had thrown it. Game 2 was a rebuilding game and game three was made into his bitch.
So that's how it went, TBW are back in the championship hunt. They're upset that BDS has to miss next week and are frantically trying to put together a both teams pre-bowl together game.
Friday, March 11, 2011
***BREAKING NEWS*** BDS UNDER INVESTIGATION BY LEAGUE OFFICIALS
It breaks my heart to break this news to you folks, but it has come to my attention that Back Door Santa is officially under investigation.
Spurred by allegations of improper sponsorship deals the TNT League Board has decided to mount a massive investigation:
BDS Accepts Coors Deal
BDS recently signed with Coors to be sponsored by the incredibly subpar brewer. However it seems sponsorship deals like these are a major no-no in TNT Bowling.
El Presidente, as a fellow blogger likes to call him, upon seeing the afformentioned article sent a strongly worded letter to the entire league:
Spurred by allegations of improper sponsorship deals the TNT League Board has decided to mount a massive investigation:
BDS Accepts Coors Deal
BDS recently signed with Coors to be sponsored by the incredibly subpar brewer. However it seems sponsorship deals like these are a major no-no in TNT Bowling.
El Presidente, as a fellow blogger likes to call him, upon seeing the afformentioned article sent a strongly worded letter to the entire league:
"...Teams should note that all sponsorship deals are subject
to the approval of the league board before any contracts
are signed...Furthermore, teams caught signing deals with
with sponsors that haven't been approved are at risk of
expulsion from the league."
Only one bowler had the nerve to stand up to El Presidente by merely asking where in the by-laws this rule exists. He received no answer, just a back tracking response from the powers that be.
"As President I can't tell you how to run your team, but
I can say that this rule will be changed and offending
parties will be punished."
This is a crushing blow to the already beleaguered Back Door Santa who are still reeling from being sanctioned three weeks ago for "behavior unbecoming a TNT bowler." There are rumors spreading currently that the squad was placed under Super Secret Probation following a probe into their outlandish behavior and that's why the sponsorship deal was found out so quickly. Most signs point to a jealousy on El Presidente's part as he was hoping to "get a little captain in him" with a rum sponsorship worth tens of cents.
Team Captain and TNT Vice President Shot Boy was quoted as saying "This is complete BS, that glorious masculine, jaguar-like, man-god Kevin "I Wish I Was Him So Much It Fucking Hurts When I Pee" Meister does way more insane stuff. And no one says boo." Sorry abou that Clint, I'm just mad adorable.
As always we'll keep you up to date with any and all developments in this case. On a personal note The Bowling Wallendas stand by our BDS Brethren all the way. Some say it's solidarity, I think it's because we're hoping to score a sweet "Depends" deal real soon.
What you didn't see after the games...
Note the scoreboard, the "A" stands for Adam, but it could also stand for Awful. Because that's how he bowled. In a stunning one on one match-up Adam "Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi"
After league play ended Adam challenged our hero to a little bit of a bowl off. He even spotted perenial 130 average Meister 30 pins. One look at the picture lets you know that Kevin needed those pins not one bit. Adam never once was in dominant control of the game, often relying on cheap "psych outs" to try and quash Meister's never ending deluge of awesomeness.
As Meister left the 5th frame open, Adam was heard to exclaim "There it is!" ala Laurence Fishburne in Searching For Bobby Fischer. He was right; there it indeed was, but not for him sadly. That one mistake was all Meister needed to resolve not to lose that game. He bowled like a whirling dervish, legs flailing about, taunts bouncing off of him like so many bullets off superman. Adam was stunned, agog, and some in the alley say he wept*.
Adam went on to lose the next two games and hurried out of the alley under cover of darkness before a statement could be recorded.
*The last item couldn't be verified by 3 different sources so we must conclude that; while Adam probably did weep like a wee bairn, we cannot in good conscience state it as fact. The Bowling Wallendas subscribe only to the highest principles of reporting and will not print rumor as fact, unlike other bowling blogs we've seen on the net.
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