Well Il
Padrino has done it again. His weekly notice to the league has gone out and
once again he snubs the most electrifying, stupefying, self-aggrandizing team
in all of TNT.
He has
ignored the fact that over the last two weeks TBW!!! has been putting a hurt to
TNT. He thinks because his teams bowling shirts are kind of sharp that he doesn’t
need to mention anyone else. WRONG!!! When we offer up another thrashing of a
storied team, he will be unable to ignore us any longer.
In the
same e-mail where he ignores our accomplishments, he announces to the league
that I am under investigation stemming from allegations that I put the hurt to
league sub Carlos Hernandez. He thinks he can try and stymie us with a trumped
up charge of senior abuse, what a crock. I’ve got news for you Cortese, I never touched
Hernandez physically. I broke him with my mental game. I don’t need to touch
another player to hurt them. One look in a bowlers eyes and I get the full
measure of them. Their hopes, dreams, and aspirations. I take that knowledge
and destroy them with it. Like the time I made that kid who looks like Corky
from “Life Goes On” cry because of his lack of lane courtesy. In hindsight I’m
pretty sure that kid was actually disabled and I may be a bad person, but rules
are rules.
Like the camouflaged jaguar poised to pounce on it’s prey,
so were The Bowling Wallendas!!! I would say we were lying in wait like a
trapdoor spider, but I hate spiders so fuck them. Goddamn bottom feeding,
8-legged, creepy-crawlies.
Anyway TBW!!! started the season slow. Week 2 coincided with
team heart Kevin “Yes I’m Drunk” Meister’s birthday.
This guy is deee-runk, egotistical, and the most stylish motherfucker you know
Week 3 was when TBW!!! would make their presence known. TBW!!!
entered into their age-old feud with Big Ern. Side note, I’ve recently learned
that the quandary of the immovable object and the unstoppable force was solved
using physics:
That video has absolutely nothing to do with the price of Swiss
cheese. I just like simplified science. But as for Big Ern; even with a ringer sub,
and Meister bowling well below average, they couldn’t manage more than one
paltry point. They hung their heads in shame, akin to Charlie Brown after one
of his many disappointments. After week 3 TBW!!! was back to even. It was time
to rededicate ourselves to winning.
At the urging of the young and, as of yet, unproven new
captain Chris “Trashman” Jones TBW!!! spent a week at “Nude Nude Nudes” on
Century Blvd. We lavished ourselves with skanky lap dances; Adam “Disco Isn’t
Dead” Gard caught crabs…twice. It was awesome.
We're looking for skanks
Heather “I Don’t Likes the Ghosts” Krull took off after 6
days to go back to the studio and drop some sick rhymes for her new single
“Need a Penny, Leave a Penny”. She
demo’ed it for us and it is fucking sick. It’s like “The Humpty Dance” meets
“The message” meets “The Way We Were”.
Week 4 saw us facing off against the badgers of honey. Now
they were never really a tough team to begin with; and like R.E.M., they’ve
only gotten worse with age. I believe some of the exact words used by Bowling
Monthly Illustrated to describe them were: laughable, non-threatening, and sad
eyes. The only time the night was in question was game 2 after a 6-strike tear
by their anchor. I had given up, Krull had given up, and the stock market was
probably going to open down 800 pts. Jones and I walked away. Adam “I’m Clutch
When I Don’t Suck” Gard came up to us and posed the question:
(Forlornly) Who just got a turkey to win that bullshit game?
This guy.
From then on it was sweep city. We did start from behind in
game 3; but we love coming from behind, it gives us easier “access”.
Tonight sees a return to lanes one and two and a match- up
with the renamed “Wash Your Balls”, clever…nope. Who will be Gurri-less, and
therefore easy prey. The only possible detriment is the shrill ass cries those
bitches be making whenever someone picks up the bowling ball. Also my mind will
be elsewhere because this is happening:
