Does that name seem pompous? Does it anger you? Do you find yourself wanting to tune in just to see them lose? Well you’ll want to set your DVRs for this Thursday so you don’t miss a second of what will surely be an incredibly infuriating ring ceremony for our glorious former BILFs.
These rings are solid gold, opal, and diamonds. All these materials were taken from conflict countries because as most people know world conflict and local strife don’t affect the BILFs one bit. If we need diamonds, then we fucking get diamonds. If we need gold, then mother fuckers better be digging for gold.
The rings were designed by a nameless jeweler who went blind setting the 16 diamonds into their settings. Because after creating the most beautiful design in the history of ring making he felt he could stand to look at anything else in this miserable world and so stabbed his own eyes out. Sadly, we couldn’t take a chance that he would reveal our ring designs before their unveiling so we had to liquidate him. We cut out his tongue, lobotomized him, and strapped him to a rocket launched from Peru directly into the sun. Some say cutting out his tongue and lobotomy may have been overkill; well those same people probably never took into account aliens intercepting his rocket and discovering the design secrets.
Why go to such lengths when people are going to see these designs Thursday anyway? Knock-offs of course. When we announced the name change of BILFs to BIGGER THAN JESUS to league secretary il Padrino a day later we saw “official” Bigger than Jesus merchandise flood the bowling markets. A simple trace on the DBA (doing business as) for the makers of these products shows that they were manufactured and imported by El Presidente Industries. The guy does business under his own name, that’s how deep his talons are into the TNT hierarchy. We’re not even that mad that the market has been flooded with goods, we’re mad that they look so fucking tacky. Trust us, we’ll let you super fans know when legitimate BIGGER THAN JESUS merch is ready for sale.
Like keep an eye out for the certified and endorsed Heather “Doc” Krull training ball. You’ll probably start seeing print ads in upcoming issues The Economist and The New Republic. Why those mags and not something like Sports Illustrated or ESPN the Magazine? Because Bigger than Jesus is high class and we don’t need any slack-jaws glomming onto our train. The ball and accompanying DVD “Training Time with Heather” clocks in at a cool $50,000 a pop. Too pricey? Well we already have 7,344 pre-orders for that shit motherfuckers. So put your lips around that nipple and suck on it. The packaging is classy as fuck too, it’s Heather holding a ball up with one hand and the other hand pointing at the viewer with the copy reading “You wannabes think you can roll? I’ll teach you how to roll, you g-damned dimwits.” The DVD is a brisk 39 hours of Heather teaching you the ins and outs of bowling in the second position. I’m considered a master bowler and she brought my average above 300 by 23 pins. What’s that? Those numbers don’t add up? Check it with AMF foolios; we’re so good they had to adjust how things are scored to give other teams a chance. Anyway when we showed up to bowl this season I walked into the dankness that is Bayshore and took a whiff. You know what it smelled like? It smelled like a mother fucking 3-peat.
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