Bigger than Jesus Sponsors Underprivileged Youths; Just Kidding, "We Use Their Tiny Bodies for Fuel"

BTJ has begun their inevitable march back to the top of the leaderboard. Last week’s 4-0 sweep of Spicy Pot is the perfect lead-in to this week’s re-match with last season’s losers Multiple Scoregasm. Spicy Pot came into the match with an eye to at least take 2 points away from our heroes. Instead all they took was the collective BTJ giant team cock up their puckered browneyes. Team captain Steve had one comment after the final shellacking of his noble squad:

                               “No Comment.”

Strong words from a strong man. But really their loss was as predictable as a southerner’s stupidity. You see in the off-season BTJ has really gone to extremes in their perfection of the art of bowling. They built a brand new state of the art bowling center on the remains of an old Indian burial ground. It sports 52 glorious lanes each showcasing the various peculiarities and idiosyncrasies that can befall a bowling lane; from too oily, to not oily enough.

Paranormal investigators advised the BTJ crew that the land they were building on would be haunted by the ghosts of angry braves and medicine men. In response to their concerns, our own team medicine man and the guy who can punch your fucking throat out Adam “Gard Dawg” Gard said this:

                                 “Before we started building the
                                   foundation we just put down a
                                   bunch of smallpox infested blankets.
                                   That ought to shut them lousy
                                   ghosts up.”

To keep the facilities running at full power 24/7 365 we use the bodies of orphans as fuel. No one will miss them and it helps reduce the overall overpopulation in the world today. We tried going the charitable route, we tried making people less fortunate than us more comfortable. But the minute we faltered in our bowling those unwashed masses turned on us faster than Hogan turned on Macho Man*; so fuck em, we’ll use them to power our greatness in other ways.

A special envoy from the United Nations would probably try to use this portion of the post to complain about our treatment of street people. But when he showed up to investigate our practices we used him as the 1 pin in a BTJ strike-fest. Then we sent his battered remains back to NYC with a note informing them of our withdrawal from their ineffective and ridiculous institution.

Have we gone power mad? Did we let the championship rings bleed poisonous materials into our brains? Are we just plain loco? No, no, and no. Quite frankly we’re just taking our rightful place at the top of the TNT League and the bowling world as a whole. We’ve always been the most show-stopping, electrifying, crowd pleasing, rabble rousing squad of bowlers ever assembled. Now all you punk ass fools know it, and it scares the shit out of you. No other team is sexier, no other team performs every week running on all 8 cylinders, no other team looks this fucking hot in disco pants:

"Sorry ladies, I'm saving myself for awesome"

Meister out.

*If you're siding with Hogan in that feud then you know less about wrestling than you do about bowling. MISS ELIZABETH LIVES!!!!