No that isn’t what all of Back Door Santa’s mother’s were saying about my wang; well it is, but it isn’t what I was referring to in the title. No there was some very big news this week. The Wallendas have officially decided to secede from the good old US of A.
Why you ask? Aren’t you patriots? Well I’ll tell you what kids, we are patriots but we aren’t getting a fair shake. Two weeks ago my car was towed under suspicious circumstances. Once I got it out of impound I was horrified to see that it looked like hobos had been living in it for months. El Presidente himself even posted on his facebook about it:
El Presidente is: Going through Meister’s car looking for all them gold dubloons he keeps thurr. Lol think I’ll piss in the glove.
Well that’s it folks. I tried to bring suit immediately but even Barack Obama, who although I don’t agree with everything he does he has become a close personal friend, was stymied in trying to get congress to push through legislation. It seems El Presidente has finally done it and bought enough lobbying power to control congress. So after a 135 hour meeting with the Wallendas and some late night calls from the UN and the White House we’ve officially decided to secede. Our new country will be called Wallendia and our currency will be Wallendollars. Our territory roughly comprises 20,000 square feet spread over Los Angeles, Santa Monica, and Culver City some of it rented. We also went ahead and registered the seven stars of the Orion constellation and under UN Directive 364 it will now be known as Wallendas’ Belt.
While we’re sorting out the constitution and other details know that the only reason we did this is because now we have an extradition treaty with the US Government and once El Presidente violates a Wallendas Law we can try him under our court system which will be governed by the just and wise Brooklyn Trashman Chris Jones. Who said this about the potential conviction of El Prez:
“Get him in my living room, I mean court room
and I’ll have him sent to prison so fast he won’t
even know he’s being prison raped.”
Some odd announcements you may have missed. Since incorporating as a country China has pegged their currency to the Wallendollar because well it’s trading at 10 euros to 1 Wallendollar. Due to my outrageous hourly legal fee ($50,000/hr and a $900million retainer) not to mention our team endorsement deals (we cleared $975 trillion last month) we’ve become the 3rd largest economy in the world and being the amazing bowlers we are we stand to clear whatever is above a trillion this month. So if you’re looking for something fun to do this summer come to beautiful Wallendia where you are not able to use a hot tub because our countries’ first traitor Heather “Yeah I’m a fucking doctor what of it” Krull got rid of the one and only hot tub in our most glorious nation.
Thanks to last week’s 4-0 drubbing of That’s How We Roll, Adam “I’m on Vacation go fuck yourself” Gard decided to hold his IPO on Monday. What’s the IPO for? Well himself silly. He has personal endorsements, that’s not team endorsements, in excess of $500million a month. $350million of those endorsements are from the people who make Bruce Lee t-shirts and simply want people to see Adam wearing said shirts. It’s kind of like my $60million deal to wear the “Stupid” tees in the “I’m With Stupid” combo. His initial IPO was $6k a share but rose to $35k before lunch. It has not dipped below $30k all week and is expected to split before next Wednesday.
Part of last week’s win would not have been possible without the aid of The Trashman. He saw a problem, Glass Wall, and he fixed it by throwing a discarded mung rag in that doucher’s face. That, and not the fact that G Dubs was high on something other than life, were instrumental in defeating That’s How We Roll.
Ryan “They Call me Hambone, but they should call me Sub of the Year” Adams came up big again for TBW by literally eating the ass of THWR. I think the guy is either a cyborg or a robot called “The Strike Machine 6000”, he is that fucking good. After last Thursday he was put on the Wallendas payroll and now receives a monthly stipend of $200billion. He was heard to say he plans to blow most of it at the spearmint rhino hiring strippers to watch him play Portal 2.
Personally it looks like I found some semblance of a throw and have no problem using it as I finally broke the 160 ceiling this season. I still bowled like shit but it felt nice to help out the team at least a little.
The Doc makes her return tonight after a week off to measure radiowaves or some other bullshit excuse she plans to use.
So watch out Shady Mutha Rollers. We’re dead set on keeping our streak alive and kicking your lazy fucking asses.
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