There’s a saying my office- “If you bring in donuts, Meister
will hide at least one in his desk and lie about it.” Those are truer words
than “All men Are Created Equal.” The donut I am eating right now, and the two
others I’ve stashed in my desk are bringing me no joy this morning though. Last
night was a failure of epic proportions. The abhorrently named Man-On trounced
your heroes 3-1. After last nights debacle, suicide as an answer was on the
table.
Ryan “Stunt Cock” Adams filled in for Chris “Trashman” Jones
who was called away to Chicago for an emergency meeting of tall people. Stunt
performed admirably in game 1. Hell all the BTJ’ers performed well in game 1, I
even thought I’d broken free of my slump. But games 2 and 3 proved to be
complete cock-ups.
Immediately following the loss Reebok announced it was
cancelling its planned line of Bigger Than Jesus sneakers. So although I know
you were all eager to score some Gard Dawgs, Stunt Cocks, Heather Krull’s
signature “I’m a doctor, Bitch! Well a PhD, not a medical Doctor, but it was
still a lot of schooling so suck my nutz” low-tops, Trashman’s Garbage Pickers
High tops, and the Meister Moon Boots; it just wasn’t meant to be. Reebok
claims they don’t want to be in business with a losing brand but I can tell you
right now this deal has been on the rocks since we said we would only utilize
the most deplorable of conditions in manufacturing the shoes. Don’t lose all
hope though, we’re in talks with Keds about their 2013 line.
Early on this season at one of our Handsome Man Seminars(1)1
Dynamite Parish pulled me aside and said
“Watch out, when you’re number one, everyone’s gunning for you.” I laughed it
off, sure BDS ran into trouble in seasons directly following one of their
multiple championship wins; that can’t happen to BTJ. We’re dialed in, we’re
ready to roll. Well I am getting an education right now. I spoke with Parish
again last night to admit I was wrong(2) and to ask for his help. The advice he
gave me has been priceless.
Follow…the…numbers…
Then he threw down a fairly pitiful smoke bomb and tried to
vanish unnoticed. I played along(3) with
the ruse. Follow the numbers, seems like some shallow advice. But then it hit
me like the Kaiser Soze riddle from The Usual
Suspects, this whole season has been one farce after another.
The evidence- The gentle nod El Presidente gave to Todd “Hey
what was your score” Schwartz right before he proposed the increased handicap. The
very miniscule debate that took place over said handicap increase. The fact
that only BDS and BTJ stood against the increase only adds fuel to the flame.
BTJ’s schedule, set up to make us play every team with a
grudge against us, every team that stands a chance of breaking our stride.
Inserting a two time perfect game bowler into an opposing team’s line-up. Twice
having to face the quiet dignity of Carlos “Nails” Hernandez. Two seasons in a
row, missing from the schedule is the biggest ratings getter of the season-
BDS/BTJ. Every time these squads face each other women randomly give birth,
corrupt governments fall, and stock markets rise.
The death threats, the slashed tires. The all too frequent
drug testing of my teammates and I. The burning sensation when I pee. It all adds
up, El Presidente and Il Padrino are
behind this. Even Padrino took himself out of last night’s match-up. The past
two seasons we’ve faced his squad, two times he has been a no-show and a clutch
bowler has taken his place.
So this weekend we’re back at our dojo, and crunching some season statistics
thru the Jesus-tron 9000. The numbers it spit back at us will definitely add up
to another Bigger Than Jesus championship ring.
We’re also reaching out to our aggrieved brothers-in-arms
Backdoor Santa. It’s time to resurrect ZACHFOCS (Zealously Adored Champions
Heralded For Opposing Corruption & Suspiciousness). Avid readers may
remember the BDS/BTJ joint investigative committee that was stymied by a
corrupt regime and made illegal to even speak about. But perhaps now in an
obamacare world we can make a go at ending the cease-less corruption and rakishness
pervasive in the upper echelons of this league. No word yet from BDS on their desire
to re-form this once great dream, but we remain hopeful. The greatest squads on
the planet, suffer the same discrimination and therefore share the same goals.
Meister out
1. About 4 times
during the calendar year Dynamite and I put on Handsome Man seminars. It’s an off shoot from the BTJ Backdoor
Santa Alliance Accords from 2010. To date we’ve helped over 15,000 men realize
their handsome-ness through such programs as “How Handsome is too Handsome?” and “You know you’re
handsome, she knows you’re handsome. There’s nothing wrong with being handsome.”
Look for more info in a future report.
2. A handsome man can
always admit fault, because his looks are perfect everyone can look past the
rest.
3. A handsome man
will never make a fellow handsome man look bad through inaction or obstinate
douchery.
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