BEACH PATROL DISCOVERS NEW USE FOR HUMAN SKULL--HINT? IT'S AN ASHTRAY

Last week saw something awesome happen in Los Angeles. No I’m not talking about the BILFs sweep of AWOL and moving themselves into a 4-way tie for 1^st in the TNT League. No the amazing thing happened after the most viewed sporting event in the history of awesome. That awesome thing that happened was the founding members of Beach Patrol , Kevin Meister and Adam Gard, stumbling upon an Al Queda terror cell and doing what they do best…kicking ass.

Using Asian arm movements, taught to him by Adam, Kevin made a guy’s head fall off into the river. Adam punched a guy’s lungs out while drinking a shamrock shake. Kevin started telling another combatant about the time he…HEE-YA! He fucking round housed that motherfucker into 2017.

While it’s been disputed if they were truly Al Queda or possibly just hobos. A new theory has come to light, they were hired assassins; bought and paid for by El Presidente and Il Padrino Cortese.

I’d like to think that theory is true, because it shows everyone how afraid the world is of our might. What our possible attackers didn’t realize is that BILFs are serious motherfuckers. We eat our beef raw, in that we actually will eat beef from a still living cow. Beer and Liquor are the only things flowing through our veins. For snacks we eat tree bark. Fiber is good.

So keep trying iL Padrino. Plot away Presidente. BILFs, much like the storied Goonies, never say die. All we ever say to opposing teams is:

“Where do you want your remains sent?” or Jonesies personal favorite “Here’s a list of local rape crisis centers.”

In a press release to the TNT league Cortese showed his fear by inserting the same match of the week twice. His fear grows daily, and everyone knows that hungry BILFs feed on the fear of their foes. Fear and Arby’s that is. It’s a well-rounded meal of emotion and beef n cheddars.