God’s Favorite Bowling Team?
Move over Jews, God has a new chosen people, B.I.L.F.’s. How else can you explain that over the past four weeks the team has gone 15-1? Was it the re-branding of team formerly known as Wallendas? Was it really a pact made with the devil himself; at a Denny’s, by the 405? We may never know, the recent resurgence of B.I.L.F.’s is a mystery, just like the totemic statues of Rapa Nui or the enduring popularity of Chelsea Handler.
“What’s been happening these past few weeks is better
than the signing of the declaration of independence.
And I’m pretty sure that was kind of a big deal.” Chris Jones
BILFs have been bowling like motherfuckers under the rallying cry of “AMEN HALLELUJAH BILFS FUCK SHIT UP!” And it’s working. Apparently it’s how they close each team prayer. Other teams are driven to extreme fear by BILFs piety and grace. A recent study shows that of the last 4 teams to face off against BILFs- 1 whole team has turned to cannibalism, 2 teams became born again Christians, and the last team committed themselves for a 72hr psychiatric evaluation late last night. With 3 more regular season weeks left, one can only wonder what will happen to the remainder of teams BILFs faces.
“I always thought Jesus had a foot fetish, what with him
washing the feet of his apostles and all. But it turns out
the guy was a major butt freak, because all our prayers
are about uniting as a team and bowling our way through
our opponents collective asses and working our way
through the colon. Mazel tov?” – Adam Gard
Some have claimed that Jesus is in fact not a “butt freak” and that aspect of the prayers is instead the brainchild of team megalomaniac Kevin Meister. They also claim that by perverting the son of God with a rather grotesque ass fetish it proves he is really in league with satan himself. Kevin Meister released this statement earlier in the week.
“Believe what you want. I was asleep on the beach and
when I awoke, there was a bright light in my face and I
heard the most beautiful music. It was angelic. But over
that choir of angels I heard God himself say, “Kevin,
people will say you’re crazy, but you must spread the
word. I am mad about the ass.” Was it God? I don’t
know for sure? But I do know it wasn’t some stank
ass hobo, that would be crazy. And I’m not willing to
risk eternal damnation just because I’m a breast man.”
The debate may rage on but it hasn’t hurt the BILFs bottom line. Revenues from sponsorships have shot up in the last two weeks by 500%. Three major worldwide atheist groups have shuttered their doors and posted only this message on their websites:
“The way BILFs perform on a weekly basis that there
truly is a God in heaven. We’re sorry we wasted
everyone’s time.”
Heather Krull was quoted as saying “We’re not in this for everlasting glory and to praise his name. We’re here to stick our amazing bowling dicks up the asses of our opponents. If Jesus gets his rocks off at the same time then good for him.” Good for him indeed, churches in the last few weeks have had to turn away parishioners because they’ve been standing room only. Pope Benedict stated he is looking into showing game tape of BILFs at Catholic masses instead of the usual sacrament.
How long can this BILFs love fest last? Well according to Team Captain Meister- “Listen, we each just down about 9000 tablets of Cialis, we’re good to go for a little while now.”
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